pieceofmymindSorry...No More Visitors.
June 6th 2007 14:47
Do you know what it is like to watch someone die?
I don’t mean instant death; as hard as that is, I believe it is easier than this. I am talking about spending everyday with someone and watching them go through the metamorphosis that ultimately leads them to death. It’s difficult to watch. Going through everyday life with someone close to you, it is not common to reflect on what it would be like if that person were to become disabled and near death – with you as their caretaker. It is so easy to be friends, or to be in love, or to have a relationship with someone; even through the hard times, the normal everyday living part of life is easy. People always say what they would or would not do in a situation where there is a relative who needs care; words are so easy to come by, the action part is where we run into the problem. In caring for a dying relative, you become the thief who has stolen their independence, while you express your love taking care of their every need. You are often insulted, and accused...but your frustration must be put on the backburner because your loved one is not in his or her right mind. Imagine loving someone who is about to die and being verbally abused by that person...it is a nightmare.
In the midst of this terribly painful ordeal, I am learning a lot about people. One thing I have learned is that in life, the ones that you do the most for…that you help out the most, you know, the ones that you always loan money to, or things like that; those are NOT always the ones who are with you in the end. It is the ones that you argued with all the time. The ones that you could hardly get along with, it seems that those are the people who are willing to suck it up and be there for you, while the ones that you took care of “can’t stand to see you like that”. That is the case with my grandmother and my mom. My mom always seemed to be the one that my grandmother just didn’t like. She used to tell my mother that she would never amount to anything, and so on…of course, a lot of that was a result of her drinking problem (I mentioned that in an earlier post), but it hurt my mom just the same. Anyway, push has come to shove, and here my mother is, and here I am with her. The son that my grandmother loves so much has been here but a few times in the last month. It’s really sad because she cried the other day, in one of her moments when it seemed like she was in her right mind. She said that she was upset because her kids don’t call her or come and see her. I know she was talking about him, and I told him. The only thing he says is “I can’t be here like y’all can.” I know that he is just scared; I feel compassion for him, but I still get angry sometimes.
So many people have come through this house over the course of the last month, not to help, just to make an appearance; the fake church people, the relatives that we haven’t seen since I was a child, the friends who never came around, the enemies…everyone is filing in to see my grandmother for the last time. It just dawned on me last night that they aren’t doing this for her; they are doing this for themselves. If she were to get better, and all of a sudden go back to life the way she knew it, all of these visitors would be going on with their lives, not thinking about her as they have for years. But now, now that she is on her death bed, now that she can’t even have a coherent conversation with anyone, now when she is at her lowest point in life, everybody loves granny. No, I don’t think so. They just want a chance to say that they “got a chance to see her” before she died. They just want to tell someone else, “I saw her, and she looks bad.” They just want a chance to feel better because they are so ashamed that they were never around. Well, if they didn’t get the chance before now, it is too late. My family is closing the doors. No more.
I can tell that it won’t be much longer before my grandmother makes her transition. I can talk to her, but no longer in a conversational manner. She says all kinds of different things. This morning, she told me that if I left her in her room, she would be scared. So, of course I sat there, being psycho grand-daughter, constantly watching to make sure she was still breathing…as I am now. She has started to breath really hard and it scared me the other day when she seemed to be gasping for air. Our hospice nurse says that this is not uncommon, and that if we keep up with her morphine doses, she won’t feel it when she starts to stop breathing. So I just gave it to her.
My mom and I are getting so much closer as a result of this. We see each other in passing when she is on her way out to work, and I am on my way in to be with granny. Then we see each other when she is on her way in, and I am on my way out. But we are spending more time together, and now we stop when passing to talk, because we have both gotten used to being tired, so there is no hurry for me to go home and lay down; there is no hurry for my mom to come in from work to relax…actually, there is no such thing for either of us right now. It is weird, because I have a husband to support me through this, and my mom has friends, but both of us feel like we are alone in this – unless we are with each other. She didn’t even go to work yesterday, but I came over anyway. Then I left, and a couple of hours later when the home health aide came over, my mom came by my house. I guess we just need each other now; our relationship will probably never be the same throughout this…and definitely after.
I don’t mean instant death; as hard as that is, I believe it is easier than this. I am talking about spending everyday with someone and watching them go through the metamorphosis that ultimately leads them to death. It’s difficult to watch. Going through everyday life with someone close to you, it is not common to reflect on what it would be like if that person were to become disabled and near death – with you as their caretaker. It is so easy to be friends, or to be in love, or to have a relationship with someone; even through the hard times, the normal everyday living part of life is easy. People always say what they would or would not do in a situation where there is a relative who needs care; words are so easy to come by, the action part is where we run into the problem. In caring for a dying relative, you become the thief who has stolen their independence, while you express your love taking care of their every need. You are often insulted, and accused...but your frustration must be put on the backburner because your loved one is not in his or her right mind. Imagine loving someone who is about to die and being verbally abused by that person...it is a nightmare.
In the midst of this terribly painful ordeal, I am learning a lot about people. One thing I have learned is that in life, the ones that you do the most for…that you help out the most, you know, the ones that you always loan money to, or things like that; those are NOT always the ones who are with you in the end. It is the ones that you argued with all the time. The ones that you could hardly get along with, it seems that those are the people who are willing to suck it up and be there for you, while the ones that you took care of “can’t stand to see you like that”. That is the case with my grandmother and my mom. My mom always seemed to be the one that my grandmother just didn’t like. She used to tell my mother that she would never amount to anything, and so on…of course, a lot of that was a result of her drinking problem (I mentioned that in an earlier post), but it hurt my mom just the same. Anyway, push has come to shove, and here my mother is, and here I am with her. The son that my grandmother loves so much has been here but a few times in the last month. It’s really sad because she cried the other day, in one of her moments when it seemed like she was in her right mind. She said that she was upset because her kids don’t call her or come and see her. I know she was talking about him, and I told him. The only thing he says is “I can’t be here like y’all can.” I know that he is just scared; I feel compassion for him, but I still get angry sometimes.
So many people have come through this house over the course of the last month, not to help, just to make an appearance; the fake church people, the relatives that we haven’t seen since I was a child, the friends who never came around, the enemies…everyone is filing in to see my grandmother for the last time. It just dawned on me last night that they aren’t doing this for her; they are doing this for themselves. If she were to get better, and all of a sudden go back to life the way she knew it, all of these visitors would be going on with their lives, not thinking about her as they have for years. But now, now that she is on her death bed, now that she can’t even have a coherent conversation with anyone, now when she is at her lowest point in life, everybody loves granny. No, I don’t think so. They just want a chance to say that they “got a chance to see her” before she died. They just want to tell someone else, “I saw her, and she looks bad.” They just want a chance to feel better because they are so ashamed that they were never around. Well, if they didn’t get the chance before now, it is too late. My family is closing the doors. No more.
Leave Us Alone!
I can tell that it won’t be much longer before my grandmother makes her transition. I can talk to her, but no longer in a conversational manner. She says all kinds of different things. This morning, she told me that if I left her in her room, she would be scared. So, of course I sat there, being psycho grand-daughter, constantly watching to make sure she was still breathing…as I am now. She has started to breath really hard and it scared me the other day when she seemed to be gasping for air. Our hospice nurse says that this is not uncommon, and that if we keep up with her morphine doses, she won’t feel it when she starts to stop breathing. So I just gave it to her.
My mom and I are getting so much closer as a result of this. We see each other in passing when she is on her way out to work, and I am on my way in to be with granny. Then we see each other when she is on her way in, and I am on my way out. But we are spending more time together, and now we stop when passing to talk, because we have both gotten used to being tired, so there is no hurry for me to go home and lay down; there is no hurry for my mom to come in from work to relax…actually, there is no such thing for either of us right now. It is weird, because I have a husband to support me through this, and my mom has friends, but both of us feel like we are alone in this – unless we are with each other. She didn’t even go to work yesterday, but I came over anyway. Then I left, and a couple of hours later when the home health aide came over, my mom came by my house. I guess we just need each other now; our relationship will probably never be the same throughout this…and definitely after.
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Comment by Dianna G
I Wish This Was 42
Fictional Worlds
I lost Daddy to cancer over a year ago... I watched him dying, and it was horrible. I'm happy you can spend time with her still. Remember, even though it's heart breaking now... You can hurt now but it will hurt so much more, not right when she dies, but at her funeral. When you really say goodbye.
I totally get that-I know that my mother wasn't any use. Daddy was always the real parent, always there for me, but he was there for my mom, too. She never went to see him.
Whatever anyone tells you, *don't* think about the good times-that'll only make it more noticable that these aren't the good times. Thinking about the good times will just put the situation into sharp relief, and I don't think that's exactly productive.
I won't say 'sorry' because the word means nothing. Just know that I feel for you. Good luck.
~Dianna
Comment by pieceofmymind
Matters Of The Heart: Talking About The Tough Times
Different Day, Same Ol' BS
thank you so much for your kind words. I am anticipating having a rough time at her funeral. I keep wondering how I will be. Guess I don't have much longer to wait. The clock keeps ticking...and it is louder than ever.
Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
You are doing something very special and very wonderful and something which you'll cherish for the rest of your life which will be the richer for it.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
katyzzz
Comment by pieceofmymind
Matters Of The Heart: Talking About The Tough Times
Different Day, Same Ol' BS