something profound
February 22nd 2007 06:00
Someone said something about me on saturday night, and at the time it didn't really bother me because, well, I was so drugfucked, but now that I think about it the comment has really struck a chord.
The last 3 months should have been fantastic. I went into it with the best intentions, and the ability to make a really great holiday out of the period. I had a wonderful girlfriend, a secure and well paying job, a great place to stay, and great plans for the holidays. My girlfriend was going home for a week, but coming to stay with me for... well, as long as she wanted following that. I was going to have a quiet holiday, saving money from my (long and hard) working days, and would spend new years in Bali, which would be fantastic.
Well, even the best laid plans go astray. Basically, now I am at the end of the holidays. I lost my girlfriend (early on), I almost lost my job, I have several times been late with rent, I have absolutely no money saved, and I didn't get to go anywhere outside this stupid fucking town.
Now... alot of this can be blamed on my drug use, I suppose. However, I think the drugs are just an extension of the real culprit behind the disaster that has been the last 3 months: My fucking stupidity.
To be fair to me, it started out innocently enough. My mum got sick, and I sort of stepped up my drug use to compensate for being very emotionally unbalanced. It worked, for a while.
Now, if you can't tell, I am still pretty torn up about the ex-girlfriend. Sure, it's been 2 months, and I should be over it. However, when you have to live your life basically in isolation from your closest friends, it's hard to deal with issues. I really hate dealing with issues. Every time I would start to think about my mum or the girlfriend situation, I would fuck myself up so that I could delay having to face my demons. Well, time hasn't made it any easier. I'm still trying to deal with them.
How do the drugs and the ex relate? Well... She isn't into drugs, at least not nearly to the extent I was. I was getting fucked up more than anybody in their right mind should, and I took her for granted. In hindsight... I treated her really badly, and that's part of the reason I'm still dwelling on this 2 months later, because I didn't realize I was doing it.
I really, really liked this girl. I still really like her, but I have no illusions concerning the future of our relationship. I blew it, and she's obviously moved on a whole lot better than I have. She has a new boyfriend now, who she is very happy with, and even though I want him to fuck off and die.... I hope they are happy together, and he makes her feel amazing and treats her the way I should have.
What REALLY kills me is that I didn't realize I was making my choice. In hindsight.... it's all so fucking obvious. All the indications were there, I was just too blind to see them. Too blind... or too drugfucked. The thing is... had I known the decision had to be made... I would have chosen her. Hell, if she came up to me now and said I want you back, but you have to quit drugs, I think I would. No, I know I would.
However, that isn't going to happen. So, Alice, even though I hope you never read this because, well, you'd never be able to look at me the same way or be around me without some degree of awkwardness.... I kind of hope you do read this. Just so you know that I would have chosen you, and that I never stopped caring about you, and I probably never will.
Oh, the comment that got me thinking? My ex and I were at a nightclub, very fucked up (we still go out, and that really probably isn't smart on my part but I can't help tyring to spend time with he) and a mutual accquaintance said that all he cared about in life was music and drugs. My ex said "wow, that's just the same as Mark". Now, thinking about it, that's just a gross misunderstanding of, well, me. But I agreed with her when she said it, because at least that way I didn't have to explain all this.
Fin.
A quick note: This is basically a summary of the worst period in my life to date, and this is really the only place I can think of to vent. None of my friends really know what's been going on, and I don't think they ever really will. My family... is going through hard times, so no venting there. That leaves internet randoms.... and that's ok. Now that I have all this shit off my chest, I can get back to the funny... hopefully.
Until then... don't spit into the wind, kiddies.
The last 3 months should have been fantastic. I went into it with the best intentions, and the ability to make a really great holiday out of the period. I had a wonderful girlfriend, a secure and well paying job, a great place to stay, and great plans for the holidays. My girlfriend was going home for a week, but coming to stay with me for... well, as long as she wanted following that. I was going to have a quiet holiday, saving money from my (long and hard) working days, and would spend new years in Bali, which would be fantastic.
Well, even the best laid plans go astray. Basically, now I am at the end of the holidays. I lost my girlfriend (early on), I almost lost my job, I have several times been late with rent, I have absolutely no money saved, and I didn't get to go anywhere outside this stupid fucking town.
Now... alot of this can be blamed on my drug use, I suppose. However, I think the drugs are just an extension of the real culprit behind the disaster that has been the last 3 months: My fucking stupidity.
To be fair to me, it started out innocently enough. My mum got sick, and I sort of stepped up my drug use to compensate for being very emotionally unbalanced. It worked, for a while.
Now, if you can't tell, I am still pretty torn up about the ex-girlfriend. Sure, it's been 2 months, and I should be over it. However, when you have to live your life basically in isolation from your closest friends, it's hard to deal with issues. I really hate dealing with issues. Every time I would start to think about my mum or the girlfriend situation, I would fuck myself up so that I could delay having to face my demons. Well, time hasn't made it any easier. I'm still trying to deal with them.
How do the drugs and the ex relate? Well... She isn't into drugs, at least not nearly to the extent I was. I was getting fucked up more than anybody in their right mind should, and I took her for granted. In hindsight... I treated her really badly, and that's part of the reason I'm still dwelling on this 2 months later, because I didn't realize I was doing it.
I really, really liked this girl. I still really like her, but I have no illusions concerning the future of our relationship. I blew it, and she's obviously moved on a whole lot better than I have. She has a new boyfriend now, who she is very happy with, and even though I want him to fuck off and die.... I hope they are happy together, and he makes her feel amazing and treats her the way I should have.
What REALLY kills me is that I didn't realize I was making my choice. In hindsight.... it's all so fucking obvious. All the indications were there, I was just too blind to see them. Too blind... or too drugfucked. The thing is... had I known the decision had to be made... I would have chosen her. Hell, if she came up to me now and said I want you back, but you have to quit drugs, I think I would. No, I know I would.
However, that isn't going to happen. So, Alice, even though I hope you never read this because, well, you'd never be able to look at me the same way or be around me without some degree of awkwardness.... I kind of hope you do read this. Just so you know that I would have chosen you, and that I never stopped caring about you, and I probably never will.
Oh, the comment that got me thinking? My ex and I were at a nightclub, very fucked up (we still go out, and that really probably isn't smart on my part but I can't help tyring to spend time with he) and a mutual accquaintance said that all he cared about in life was music and drugs. My ex said "wow, that's just the same as Mark". Now, thinking about it, that's just a gross misunderstanding of, well, me. But I agreed with her when she said it, because at least that way I didn't have to explain all this.
Fin.
A quick note: This is basically a summary of the worst period in my life to date, and this is really the only place I can think of to vent. None of my friends really know what's been going on, and I don't think they ever really will. My family... is going through hard times, so no venting there. That leaves internet randoms.... and that's ok. Now that I have all this shit off my chest, I can get back to the funny... hopefully.
Until then... don't spit into the wind, kiddies.
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Comment by Ash
Australian Traveller
Flashes of memories
peace
ash
oh and this is a great place to vent...no repercussions here...you will find a great deal of people who use these spaces to get rid of their daily "stuff"
Comment by Wendi
W
Comment by Sandra
WebLife
Underground Stuff
It is a heavy load indeed!
But stop whacking yourself over the head, you're ok, we're only human, start actually loving yourself, kill the negativity inside you that makes you think you're worth nothing...that's abolute bollocks...the proof is you are here trying to share your experience with others...
"any kind of literature ever written, even the most censored ridden and tidious ones, is an act of generosity..."
Shit happens for sure (i.e: girlfriend issue) and we make unwise choices (i.e: taking drugs to NOT feel the pain and confusion) but what you ARE doing that's right is realize it all (3 months is quite a short time to process all this when you're drugfucked...took me years to sort out myself!!!!)
You're just moving on!
In another 3 months your life will be even better than it has ever been, it's just the rollercoster of Life.
Don't forget that after you stopped all kind of drugs it will take a whille for your brain to be able to produce Serotonin by itself again (you can quicken the process by doing loads of sport)
So if you feel down just throw yourself into something physical for bit...
For the girl...plenty fish in the sea!
Just enjoy your Life, Downs can be Godsent in disguise sometimes...
XXXX