Sometimes it is the root of basic information that we need and overlook. Too often in society we, the collective socierty, changes the meaning and intent of a word and future generations are left with the new definition while the original meanings are left to obscurity and Webster.
The courage that you show in not offing yourself is tremendous. As we have all heard, the mantra of suicide phobic society, "you are only taking the easy way out". The people who life you have touched, continue to touch and will touch are glad that you are as resoundingly strong as you are. The life that you describe, besides being almost incomprehensible, has got to be a level of torture that is prohibited by most societies. May you true sprit find the strength that it needs to set you free of the pain so that you may get your true rewards in life.
Comment by softball*god*
on [def-uh-nish-uhns] from the funny farm