Social Anxiety
July 30th 2011 11:33
I bet few people know that I have that. Social Anxiety. Pretty Severely. I have always had trouble knowing about people's personal boundaries, including my own. That's why I can share so much of my life. Nothing in my world is private or off limits, except this. My secret: My way to cope with my love of people and my intense fear of screwing up relationships, was to be in charge.
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I am told it is my upbringing and post traumatic stress. I never felt like I belonged anywhere. I struggled to find a way to fit in. We were the kids who smelled a bit funny in school; dressed funny in handed down, hand me downs; dirty hair and stained clothes; whose parents never graduated high school and held 'menial' type jobs; and we never had name brands of anything. None of that would be a really huge deal if we hadn't been sent to a large expensive parochial high school. That's where it really started.
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I was made fun of at school and at home not just for my appearance, but for my 'overtalking'. Everytime I was with people I was continually told to 'be quiet'. I was always told to stop talking. Some of you might wonder if my family would be upset for me posting that, but they still joke about it almost every time we meet. How I never shut up, say embarrassing things, don't know my 'limits', can't stay out of an argument, etc. I would try and try, but no matter what I did I was told that I said things to be embarrassed about or I made someone angry. I don't know how much it really happenned, but judging from the reactions I get from people, it still is. I spent years hating myself for that. I still do.
-
I learned to cope. As I said, my way to cope with my love of people and my fear of screwing up, was to be in charge. If I was in charge, if I was needed then maybe I could 'get away' with screwing up verbally occasionally. If I was a hard worker, I would be needed and have a way to fit in. If I could find something to do that would allow me to limit contact, but still be social, hardworking and needed; it would be perfect.
-
In every group I entered I followed that pattern. 4H -started our own club with some friends, in churches-I taught children (in a basement for 8 yrs), His Oasis -I did children, then I found food. Food or children both work perfectly. Children don't know those 'personal boundaries' either. They judge you by your heart. They seem to almost instinctively know, most of the time, if you are being mean in something you say or if you are trying to be honest. They seem to know if you mean well or harm and if you build relationships with them they give you the benefit of the doubt.
-
Working in food also worked. It gave me a place to hide. A handy retreat when around adults. I can control the amount of contact by controlling the kitchen environment and only leaving when i feel comfortable and only having 'time' to talk to a few people with whom I feel safe, for the most part. I can gradually meet 1 or 2 new people at each 'meal' and carefully try to learn people's boundaries. And good food makes people happy.
-
My 'safetey' behaviors lead me to a few very large social hurdles. First of all, I still inevitably say the wrong thing to the wrong person and have an issue that I need to apologize for or a potential friend lost, or both. Secondly, I do it so well that people think it is really me. I enjoy it. I love serving the food. But it is mostly my way of not having to be in the group or think of things to say that aren't offensive. Find something you do well and enjoy, and hide in it.
-
The following are always running through my mind in every human interaction, I have to be careful of:
1.not correcting people in conversations (my own fear of looking stupid and having no one correct me, then getting ridiculed for it later or being embarrassed, I spend hours later anxiously going over things in my head and wondering if i did this),
-
2. my habit of overhearing an 'argument' and having to intervene and 'stick my nose where it didn't belong' etc. (arguments almost always led to violence when I grew up, so a mediator at the start could sometimes head it off -arguing triggers that ptsd and I have to stop it)
-
3.my constant talking of only myself-(my fear that if you tell me something about yourself and I will either tell someone else in some conversation and be gossipping, or that I will make a bad response and hurt someone, or that I will forget what they say because I am so darn anxious and then later they will be hurt and think I didn't care or wasn't listening. it's also why i can't remember names. my mind is busy being scared and going over all the 'rules' of human interaction.)
-
4.my 'taking over' what someone is doing- (my fear of not fitting in means I have to be useful and demonstrate an ability to do things that need to be done so people will want me around)
-
5.my need to 'teach' (controlled conversation. the topic is studied. i am in charge. I lead and steer the conversation.)
-
6. my need to know the Bible so well (trying to follow all the rules, know what I believe, not make a mistake and not be called stupid or be misled)
-
7.my need to 'overhear' every conversation in the room at once and constantly go from one to the other in the middle of my present conversation. (hypervigilance for safety, then distracted by ADD, can't win)
-
8. my need to feel that I have to solve every problem that comes up or 'rescue' any person in distress or difficult circumstances. (so many people knew my childhood wasn't good, but they never did or said anything. there were a few who would befriend me and take me to do things with their family, Just an encouraging word helped; but abusers and pedophiles found me more often than not. I won't leave people in danger like I was left.)
-
IN EVERY CONVERSATION I have all of this running through my head. The closer a friendship becomes, the greater the fallout when i screw up. I have lost many, many friends. Angered many more. Alienated quite a few. That was almost never my intent, very rarely do I want to intentionally offend someone, but my anxiety has been counteproductive, As I am busy trying to keep track of everything; the one thing that gets out ahead of me is my tongue. Not always, but often enough.
-
The closer and more needed I became at Grace, the more anxious I became. The projects and tasks were easy. I am very intellingent and able to do 10 things at once quite easily, as long as one of them is not a conversation. But then they began to really encourage me to do more and more. And to lead more. And to teach more. Such an honor. But I am so new they just haven't seen me screw up yet. It was inevitable, as the group of people I would have to 'keep track of' in my head to avoid offending was getting larger and larger. On top of that, I wasn't sure if I had their beliefs 'down' well enough to avoid saying the 'wrong' thing. I studied their 'Prime Directive" as I like to call The Book of Disciplines, which outlines what Methodists believe and how they run their churches, but I didn't have it memorized. MORE ANXIETY
-
I also didn't know if I believed some of the things as they did, the main one being whether or not women should teach or lead at all. For 44 years it was drilled home to me that I needed to be quiet in that particular part of the church: no teaching the Word to adults, especially men; and absolutely never preach or be in a position of leadership in anything but women's groups. I was taught that since the 7th grade in school as well, not just on Sundays. It was drilled home in our catechism classes. It was reinforced in every non-denominational church I have attended since being saved. Was I stupid? Was I duped? I explained it Biblically to hundreds of people over the years, will God judge me for misleading them. MORE ANXIETY
-
Just about 6 weeks ago, at Mountain of Praise; I broke. Literally. I was unable to see everything and take care of everything and keep peace in everything and the thing I missed was in my own family. Major crises all in a row. First Tiim arriving, then Heather, then Tim leaving, then Heather leaving, then argument with a son, discomfort with Heather at church, all during the last month of instense work and planning for MOP. Then that weekend a major argument between husband and adult child. MORE ANXIETY and chaos, anger, and confusion. I literally felt my brain break. It's kind of like your first serious heart break, where your heart literally hurts and you can barely function for days. Only it was my brain that was unable to process anything any longer. Nothing made sense. Everything was fearful. Out of my control. Scary.
-
I tried to function as normal, but i couldn't. If I went anywhere I would get home and fear for hours and go over and over everything I did and said and what I might have missed or who I might have hurt or what I forgot to do or shouldn't have done. I was paralyzed. I went back to therapy. Again.
-
I keep repeating the cycle. I can't break free from my fear. This therapist is not 'just a counselor'. Counseling is wonderful and VERY helpful for situations to be resolved or habits to be broken, but a deep seated part of my personality, the part that developed when I was very young and learning how the world works, was wired incorrectly. It's like walking backwards in a forwards world. Try it once and see how badly you stick out. I don't remember learning it any more than I remember learning how to walk or even ride a bike. I was too young. But I still remember well how to do both of those things. It was social settings where I was taught backwards. I still don't know how to live in a forwards world.
-
Forgive me failing all of you for so many years. I am working with my specialist now to try to 'retrain'. She has done this for many, many years and is making progress with my broken brain. It is a very slow process to fix 46 years of faulty wiring, bad switches, blown fuses, overloaded circuits, etc.(I love electricity-very predictable) If there were drugs I could take, even if I puked 40 days and 40 nights from 'chemo', I would do it. But this is the only brain I have, it's not a tumor. It's me.
-
I can go out in public, but I avoid people I know. Especially now that you all know what is 'wrong' with me. I go where I am least likely to run into many people whom I would have to 'face' later and could accidentally hurt or offend. I am trapped in my brain. I feel overwhelming guilt for 'abandoning' my church, that is why I am baring my heart, soul and literally, my mind to you. I am scared to death of screwing up in a kitchen and now, teaching in the 'forbidden' place.
Again, I apologize. It is seriously not on purpose.
-
I am told it is my upbringing and post traumatic stress. I never felt like I belonged anywhere. I struggled to find a way to fit in. We were the kids who smelled a bit funny in school; dressed funny in handed down, hand me downs; dirty hair and stained clothes; whose parents never graduated high school and held 'menial' type jobs; and we never had name brands of anything. None of that would be a really huge deal if we hadn't been sent to a large expensive parochial high school. That's where it really started.
-
I was made fun of at school and at home not just for my appearance, but for my 'overtalking'. Everytime I was with people I was continually told to 'be quiet'. I was always told to stop talking. Some of you might wonder if my family would be upset for me posting that, but they still joke about it almost every time we meet. How I never shut up, say embarrassing things, don't know my 'limits', can't stay out of an argument, etc. I would try and try, but no matter what I did I was told that I said things to be embarrassed about or I made someone angry. I don't know how much it really happenned, but judging from the reactions I get from people, it still is. I spent years hating myself for that. I still do.
-
I learned to cope. As I said, my way to cope with my love of people and my fear of screwing up, was to be in charge. If I was in charge, if I was needed then maybe I could 'get away' with screwing up verbally occasionally. If I was a hard worker, I would be needed and have a way to fit in. If I could find something to do that would allow me to limit contact, but still be social, hardworking and needed; it would be perfect.
-
In every group I entered I followed that pattern. 4H -started our own club with some friends, in churches-I taught children (in a basement for 8 yrs), His Oasis -I did children, then I found food. Food or children both work perfectly. Children don't know those 'personal boundaries' either. They judge you by your heart. They seem to almost instinctively know, most of the time, if you are being mean in something you say or if you are trying to be honest. They seem to know if you mean well or harm and if you build relationships with them they give you the benefit of the doubt.
-
Working in food also worked. It gave me a place to hide. A handy retreat when around adults. I can control the amount of contact by controlling the kitchen environment and only leaving when i feel comfortable and only having 'time' to talk to a few people with whom I feel safe, for the most part. I can gradually meet 1 or 2 new people at each 'meal' and carefully try to learn people's boundaries. And good food makes people happy.
-
My 'safetey' behaviors lead me to a few very large social hurdles. First of all, I still inevitably say the wrong thing to the wrong person and have an issue that I need to apologize for or a potential friend lost, or both. Secondly, I do it so well that people think it is really me. I enjoy it. I love serving the food. But it is mostly my way of not having to be in the group or think of things to say that aren't offensive. Find something you do well and enjoy, and hide in it.
-
The following are always running through my mind in every human interaction, I have to be careful of:
1.not correcting people in conversations (my own fear of looking stupid and having no one correct me, then getting ridiculed for it later or being embarrassed, I spend hours later anxiously going over things in my head and wondering if i did this),
-
2. my habit of overhearing an 'argument' and having to intervene and 'stick my nose where it didn't belong' etc. (arguments almost always led to violence when I grew up, so a mediator at the start could sometimes head it off -arguing triggers that ptsd and I have to stop it)
-
3.my constant talking of only myself-(my fear that if you tell me something about yourself and I will either tell someone else in some conversation and be gossipping, or that I will make a bad response and hurt someone, or that I will forget what they say because I am so darn anxious and then later they will be hurt and think I didn't care or wasn't listening. it's also why i can't remember names. my mind is busy being scared and going over all the 'rules' of human interaction.)
-
4.my 'taking over' what someone is doing- (my fear of not fitting in means I have to be useful and demonstrate an ability to do things that need to be done so people will want me around)
-
5.my need to 'teach' (controlled conversation. the topic is studied. i am in charge. I lead and steer the conversation.)
-
6. my need to know the Bible so well (trying to follow all the rules, know what I believe, not make a mistake and not be called stupid or be misled)
-
7.my need to 'overhear' every conversation in the room at once and constantly go from one to the other in the middle of my present conversation. (hypervigilance for safety, then distracted by ADD, can't win)
-
8. my need to feel that I have to solve every problem that comes up or 'rescue' any person in distress or difficult circumstances. (so many people knew my childhood wasn't good, but they never did or said anything. there were a few who would befriend me and take me to do things with their family, Just an encouraging word helped; but abusers and pedophiles found me more often than not. I won't leave people in danger like I was left.)
-
IN EVERY CONVERSATION I have all of this running through my head. The closer a friendship becomes, the greater the fallout when i screw up. I have lost many, many friends. Angered many more. Alienated quite a few. That was almost never my intent, very rarely do I want to intentionally offend someone, but my anxiety has been counteproductive, As I am busy trying to keep track of everything; the one thing that gets out ahead of me is my tongue. Not always, but often enough.
-
The closer and more needed I became at Grace, the more anxious I became. The projects and tasks were easy. I am very intellingent and able to do 10 things at once quite easily, as long as one of them is not a conversation. But then they began to really encourage me to do more and more. And to lead more. And to teach more. Such an honor. But I am so new they just haven't seen me screw up yet. It was inevitable, as the group of people I would have to 'keep track of' in my head to avoid offending was getting larger and larger. On top of that, I wasn't sure if I had their beliefs 'down' well enough to avoid saying the 'wrong' thing. I studied their 'Prime Directive" as I like to call The Book of Disciplines, which outlines what Methodists believe and how they run their churches, but I didn't have it memorized. MORE ANXIETY
-
I also didn't know if I believed some of the things as they did, the main one being whether or not women should teach or lead at all. For 44 years it was drilled home to me that I needed to be quiet in that particular part of the church: no teaching the Word to adults, especially men; and absolutely never preach or be in a position of leadership in anything but women's groups. I was taught that since the 7th grade in school as well, not just on Sundays. It was drilled home in our catechism classes. It was reinforced in every non-denominational church I have attended since being saved. Was I stupid? Was I duped? I explained it Biblically to hundreds of people over the years, will God judge me for misleading them. MORE ANXIETY
-
Just about 6 weeks ago, at Mountain of Praise; I broke. Literally. I was unable to see everything and take care of everything and keep peace in everything and the thing I missed was in my own family. Major crises all in a row. First Tiim arriving, then Heather, then Tim leaving, then Heather leaving, then argument with a son, discomfort with Heather at church, all during the last month of instense work and planning for MOP. Then that weekend a major argument between husband and adult child. MORE ANXIETY and chaos, anger, and confusion. I literally felt my brain break. It's kind of like your first serious heart break, where your heart literally hurts and you can barely function for days. Only it was my brain that was unable to process anything any longer. Nothing made sense. Everything was fearful. Out of my control. Scary.
-
I tried to function as normal, but i couldn't. If I went anywhere I would get home and fear for hours and go over and over everything I did and said and what I might have missed or who I might have hurt or what I forgot to do or shouldn't have done. I was paralyzed. I went back to therapy. Again.
-
I keep repeating the cycle. I can't break free from my fear. This therapist is not 'just a counselor'. Counseling is wonderful and VERY helpful for situations to be resolved or habits to be broken, but a deep seated part of my personality, the part that developed when I was very young and learning how the world works, was wired incorrectly. It's like walking backwards in a forwards world. Try it once and see how badly you stick out. I don't remember learning it any more than I remember learning how to walk or even ride a bike. I was too young. But I still remember well how to do both of those things. It was social settings where I was taught backwards. I still don't know how to live in a forwards world.
-
Forgive me failing all of you for so many years. I am working with my specialist now to try to 'retrain'. She has done this for many, many years and is making progress with my broken brain. It is a very slow process to fix 46 years of faulty wiring, bad switches, blown fuses, overloaded circuits, etc.(I love electricity-very predictable) If there were drugs I could take, even if I puked 40 days and 40 nights from 'chemo', I would do it. But this is the only brain I have, it's not a tumor. It's me.
-
I can go out in public, but I avoid people I know. Especially now that you all know what is 'wrong' with me. I go where I am least likely to run into many people whom I would have to 'face' later and could accidentally hurt or offend. I am trapped in my brain. I feel overwhelming guilt for 'abandoning' my church, that is why I am baring my heart, soul and literally, my mind to you. I am scared to death of screwing up in a kitchen and now, teaching in the 'forbidden' place.
Again, I apologize. It is seriously not on purpose.
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