Sleep
October 20th 2008 11:28
Its funny to be afraid of sleep.
Im not though...Im not afraid of it. I want it so very much. That long soothing sleep, which heals and lets you wake without webs sticking in your eyes...
I can hear them mumuring. I keep telling myself, its just the wind, its just the wind, and she is fierce, tonight. But I can still hear rumblings....Soon it'll drive me to check every electrical appliance in the house, to make sure its safely switched off. That no noise emits from it.
Im wacked. really, I can barely see straight...What kind of person begs to get wasted, downs some wine and some weed, then tries madly to undo it? Tea, to antioxidise....
I dont ever remember being good friends with sleep. I remember having companionable lengths with it, where we would lie against one another hour upon hour, comfortably. No need to rise, awaking refreshed and ready to tackle my own personal tasks. Always a wondrous place, where I could create my own scape, wander and heal myself as I chose.
Now I must force her, trick her to come. Lay there in wait to snatch at her, beg her to stay near. Succeeding only, in making her tease me until first light, when she sinks me under, doomed to wander fuddled throughout the day as I am ruled by the need to dream...
Dreaming with my eyes wide open, yet they refuse to come as I shutter them down...
So. The modern human. Watch Tv. I have re runs of Married with Children. It seems so old. And here is where you say, "My god, I really am old" If I have children, they will fall over shrieking in disbelief that we ever watched such crap. Yet here they are, with their geeky hairstyles, bright clothes and lengthy punchline pauses. Kelly and Bud and Al and Peg.
In the early scenes of 'True Lies' (you know the one, with Arnie) Arnie's sidekick says something about Arnie's daughter - "MTV is her parents"
The Bundy's were mine. People talk about The Crosby's or The Brady's - No, for me it was the Bundy's. I always wanted to have red hair like Peg, and wear skin tight clothes like Kelly and Peg both (mini skirts with Lamb, skin tight pants while mutton) the jeering wolf whistles of the crowd taught me to objectify women, and to judge based purely on physical attractiveness, was not just right, it was Goddamned law! I had a crush on Bud and wanted to give him all he ever wanted in a woman - I wanted to have an affiar with Jefferson behind Marcy's back. I adored Al, and wished I could revive his love of women and life.
And right down to a line I just recently gleaned - Bud and Kelly at the 'Alpha' meeting for Smart people. "We need to get back at these people the Bundy way"
I mean, I always knew I was white trash. It just escaped my attention and thorough analysis that the environment I scoff about shaping the rest of the sheep has effectively shaped me too. In the absence of strong parental figures, who else did I have to turn to, really? Kelly taught me its ok to go drinking with crowds of boys - just so long as you root all of them. Got to uphold your reputation. And leading up to the one big score where you choose a guy dumb enough not to hit you and smart enough not to starve you and let him impregnant you and then you're set for life.
Murmuring...I can hear the murmuring. Getting louder. Like my heads going to split in two, brain leaking from my fucking eye sockets. Ugh.
How horrid that I - who constantly examines my influences for cause and effect like rhythyms - could have possibly overlooked this one small marker? Earlier this evening I realized I used to know this show so well I could tell which episode it was from the opening sequence. The music. The characters and how they were displayed.
Oh. I wish I could sleep. I wish it were there waiting for me when I lay down, to snatch me up, and rock me deep, and let me wake alive and clear and healed...With no pain in my head and no murmuring....Instead of a sleep jagged with hot teeth that sink in and refuse to let go, making me sweat sweat sweat at the chains the bonds holding me tight....Digging in their claws. More water, more water, always more water as I replace my worth in sweat again and again.
I always wished for long nights - I always said they were far too short. I had no idea they could be this long.
The next best thing, the next best thing...Is to turn off the lights, let the TV flicker (like the old days, the old days) and let the family play out across the screen...Laying comforted, in almost sleep, watching the bricks by which your youth was made...
Im not though...Im not afraid of it. I want it so very much. That long soothing sleep, which heals and lets you wake without webs sticking in your eyes...
I can hear them mumuring. I keep telling myself, its just the wind, its just the wind, and she is fierce, tonight. But I can still hear rumblings....Soon it'll drive me to check every electrical appliance in the house, to make sure its safely switched off. That no noise emits from it.
Im wacked. really, I can barely see straight...What kind of person begs to get wasted, downs some wine and some weed, then tries madly to undo it? Tea, to antioxidise....
I dont ever remember being good friends with sleep. I remember having companionable lengths with it, where we would lie against one another hour upon hour, comfortably. No need to rise, awaking refreshed and ready to tackle my own personal tasks. Always a wondrous place, where I could create my own scape, wander and heal myself as I chose.
Now I must force her, trick her to come. Lay there in wait to snatch at her, beg her to stay near. Succeeding only, in making her tease me until first light, when she sinks me under, doomed to wander fuddled throughout the day as I am ruled by the need to dream...
Dreaming with my eyes wide open, yet they refuse to come as I shutter them down...
So. The modern human. Watch Tv. I have re runs of Married with Children. It seems so old. And here is where you say, "My god, I really am old" If I have children, they will fall over shrieking in disbelief that we ever watched such crap. Yet here they are, with their geeky hairstyles, bright clothes and lengthy punchline pauses. Kelly and Bud and Al and Peg.
In the early scenes of 'True Lies' (you know the one, with Arnie) Arnie's sidekick says something about Arnie's daughter - "MTV is her parents"
The Bundy's were mine. People talk about The Crosby's or The Brady's - No, for me it was the Bundy's. I always wanted to have red hair like Peg, and wear skin tight clothes like Kelly and Peg both (mini skirts with Lamb, skin tight pants while mutton) the jeering wolf whistles of the crowd taught me to objectify women, and to judge based purely on physical attractiveness, was not just right, it was Goddamned law! I had a crush on Bud and wanted to give him all he ever wanted in a woman - I wanted to have an affiar with Jefferson behind Marcy's back. I adored Al, and wished I could revive his love of women and life.
And right down to a line I just recently gleaned - Bud and Kelly at the 'Alpha' meeting for Smart people. "We need to get back at these people the Bundy way"
"Needless, Pointless, Violence."
I mean, I always knew I was white trash. It just escaped my attention and thorough analysis that the environment I scoff about shaping the rest of the sheep has effectively shaped me too. In the absence of strong parental figures, who else did I have to turn to, really? Kelly taught me its ok to go drinking with crowds of boys - just so long as you root all of them. Got to uphold your reputation. And leading up to the one big score where you choose a guy dumb enough not to hit you and smart enough not to starve you and let him impregnant you and then you're set for life.
Murmuring...I can hear the murmuring. Getting louder. Like my heads going to split in two, brain leaking from my fucking eye sockets. Ugh.
How horrid that I - who constantly examines my influences for cause and effect like rhythyms - could have possibly overlooked this one small marker? Earlier this evening I realized I used to know this show so well I could tell which episode it was from the opening sequence. The music. The characters and how they were displayed.
Oh. I wish I could sleep. I wish it were there waiting for me when I lay down, to snatch me up, and rock me deep, and let me wake alive and clear and healed...With no pain in my head and no murmuring....Instead of a sleep jagged with hot teeth that sink in and refuse to let go, making me sweat sweat sweat at the chains the bonds holding me tight....Digging in their claws. More water, more water, always more water as I replace my worth in sweat again and again.
I always wished for long nights - I always said they were far too short. I had no idea they could be this long.
The next best thing, the next best thing...Is to turn off the lights, let the TV flicker (like the old days, the old days) and let the family play out across the screen...Laying comforted, in almost sleep, watching the bricks by which your youth was made...
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Comment by Lily
Ars Poetica
like the old days, the old days, gave me a shiver i swear .. quite poetic... long gone the lullaby
~lily
Comment by Arnathi
DarkSuggestion
Nice to have a visitor on my random train of thought. Thankyou.