Side Effects
Sex means nothing to me!! Did you read and hear that clearly, sex in its rawest and most animalistic form, basically means nothing to me. Now, with that being said, understand how I am defining such an act and the entire events that come with having sex. I am not saying I am against it, nor have I never enjoyed a rambunctious romp in the sack before, but performing the act unemotionally or recklessly having sexual intercourse for the purpose of fulfilling a superficial want in my opinion in this place in time, is worthless when its over when trying to satisfy a need. You see to me, I am a person that lives and dies on his words. I know many feel or think I write theses things just to become popular or to make some sort of point, and I respect them for that and cant blame a person at all for thinking such a thing if they don’t know me. But to me like I have always said, my words are a translation from the thoughts in my mind that I use as a road map to keep me focused when or if I may stray in a perfectly flawed way or in a world that guides my state of mind. I wasn’t always like this mind you, and have grown throughout my life to come up with these conclusions, and basically speak on them in an unconditional way to share with you, the mirror and to answer those voices I silently hear in my head screaming to be let out loudly in text. Now, if I select to perform the intimate act with someone, I have certain things that make the involvement much more than just routine, and those things to me, signify the importance of the union or bond in and out of the bed. Sex to me is a lot like talking, and if you have had a phone call with me, emailed me or spoken with me in person, you know how much I hate talking. I enjoy communicating or conversing, but hate talking because talking holds no meaning and is actually forgotten after the words have been released. You see if you really think about it, the odds are totally not in your favor if you just have sex with anyone or someone you have no respect for and visa versa. When personally performing sex, I hate, I mean absolutely hate using condoms. I just feel restricted, reminded of the shield that is between me and the person(s) I am with and totally displaced from reality and its true meaning if I am wearing one. I’m bit old school, and actually prefer going “yogi bare” than just wrapping my member up in some sort of lamb skin from a poor lamb Lil Bo Peep didn’t want that didn’t make it to the grocery store in the meat section. Now in saying that, I also understand that in this day and age, diseases run rampant, and the chance of catching A.I.D’s or some form of STD is high. I have been blessed I guess you can say to have never in my life, contracted any disease or infection from having sex. But really think about why you may be using a condom when having sex. I mean if it is for birth control, I can understand that. But if it is because you don’t know that person and you want to be safe, well you need to read on and re-think how bad your itch needs to be scratched. Think about if a condom made by and in some third world country with someone making minimum wage that you don’t know, really cares less if you live or die, or if it breaks or has holes in it or something. What, can you sue them or fill out a complaint form to remove herpes if you get or catch it? Also, look at what can come with just having random sex; the condom can break, and if it does, you can get pregnant, a disease you keep around longer than luggage, fearful for months if you contracted anything foreign or worse, domestic and more in waiting for your test results to come back. The person can also become attached on many levels and that can actually alter you from your ultimate destination if you actually have one. To me, nothing good comes from just having meaningless sex, and I know we all have certain needs, but dam, are you really willing to pay that price for something you think you may need and actually find out when its over is only a meaningless want? Think about it. Now even though having cosmetic sex to me is pointless in this day and age, also know that in my hey day, I did the freaky Mc Nasty many of times with no regards to feelings, safety or responsibility. I am the first to step off of my soap box and speak the truth, so don’t think I am trying to condemn sex and those performing it. Hell, I did it with whomever, where ever and how ever, and only came to this conclusion when I became a man at peace with myself, which I hope is tomorrow after I have fun one more time (smile, just kidding). But seriously yes, I wasn’t a full out dog that humped anything moving, and I did have standards and requirements to the females that attracted my lustful vision and uplifted my hormones and third leg. But basically back then all you had to have for me is a faint heartbeat and a face, and I was all over you like cheap suit off the rack at some rundown broken shopping mall. But if we research the examples and definitions of sex nowadays defined by Mr. Clinton and others, sexual intercourse and penetration is the only way sex is really defined. Excuse my broken English or slang, but orally hiding the salami, yodeling in the valley, eating at the taco stand and or having a cucumber roll with extra mayonnaise and wasabi at the Sushi, oops, Susie bar, is not considered sex any more. I even seen a show when I was watching television once that anal sex to some, is not considered sex or intercourse any more, which blew my mind because when I was in my early teenage years, sex was the farthest thing on my mind. Believe it or not, I can actually go months upon months now without having sex, and no, I am not a person that masturbates, on some religious mission, trying to break a celibacy record or anything like that. I just have other things in my life that occupies me in ways that if you want to define it as such, are just as fulfilling or satisfying. Besides, being a man, there is nothing more terrifying than a woman scorn, and though I am still removing burn marks off of some of my old jackets, I have learned my lesson, and learned it well. Which brings us to the other spectrum within the same circumference I am talking about with a twist in the section of intimacy in this theory you are now reading, making love. Making love to me, and not just physically exploring with a person mind you, is all of that and then some. Just like I said earlier that I hate talking because it is like sex to me, making love is communicating and conversing on a higher level than your imagination can take you. You see people in my opinion mistake making love with just being prim and proper which is fine and also good. But they don’t take it beyond the definition we all have been conditioned to believe. In the process of making and staying in love, you can perform it any, every, some or nowhere, and it is not where you are at, but where it is at within you when feeling and knowing the difference. When making love, passionately or not, you can make love without touching, in the bedroom or in public, in the kitchen while timing an egg or in the shower when you are rushing to beat morning traffic on your way to work or to drop off the kids at school. You can hold your love one tight, hold them loose, go slow or fast in performing whatever act, fuck, grind, act like fido and go doggie style or whatever. You can let go of your inhibitions and go buck wild in whatever act you perform, because you know deep down it still falls under the category of love because it is far beyond just a physical connection based on cosmetic and a transparent lust. You can bring in toys, talk dirty and nasty, dream about using farm animals, and other people if needed or fantasized about. Use kitchen appliances, exclusively use and abuse each other in a healthy way, role play and more, because in the beginning, during and in the end of the act, you are with the person you respect, admire and more importantly, believe in. You trust them on some level beyond the norm with your life not just restricted with an extra large Trojan, and that can not be measured by numbers or the act it’s self. That to me, is the pinnacle and foundation of any relationship because is maintains everything that can stimulate all of me now, my imagination tomorrow and my memories of yesterday when I discovered it. But is being in love and falling in love the same? Maybe we can trick or justify ourselves into falling in love for one night or a lustful moment, and in the process, situate our heart and mind on the same playing field to accept what we would not normal receive when we are deeply in search of it. Think about that because it’s just a question I wanted to put out there and a seg-way into the purpose of this theory I hold close to my heart.
As I am writing this theory, I am playing and replaying this Moodsetter music disc I am putting together that I haven’t titled yet, but keep playing this one song by the great DJ Jazzy Jeff. Yeah, that Jazzy Jeff that used to be with my man Will Smith, and he does these little side projects that are not heavily promoted, but seriously groove like no other. The track I am hooked on is called, “My Soul Aint For Sale”, and the neo-soul artist Raheem DeVaughn is the lead vocalist. Anyway, as I am putting together this music cd, I am thinking about the quirks I have and how many times I have actually sold my soul for cheap. I know, I am going into left field again, but hold on and ride this thing out with me, it will come around, I promise. You see everyone that remotely knows me knows I am a music and movie junkie, and in saying that, one of my biggest quirks came out in the process that I am about to display. I mean everyone has quirks, and it could be the smallest thing to set you off that many don’t seem to understand when they irk you. I know people that have broken up with people because they left the toilet seat up all of the time, or didn’t screw the toothpaste cap on or were slobs and more. I’m not saying that was the particular reason, but it definitely sparked the flames that eventually, burnt the house down. My thing revolves around moments and the importance of them that makes other moments less than they should be because I sometimes get stuck on the quirks that bother the hell outta me when others say they are stupid or way too sensitive. Example; a while back I was seriously involved with a woman that I was trying to ease into my life. We had been together for a while and she actually did it to me on many levels that made this relationship somewhat serious. She had the look, the smarts, the right age for me, skin color, the soccer mom slut tendencies and the intellect I felt could keep me being me when I was learning to become a better me. So as we were laying in the bed watching a movie I absolutely love called, “Rock Star” starring Mark (Marky Mark) Walberg and Jennifer Anniston this one evening, this song came on during the movie that I adore. I never really knew who sung it, and it was one of those things that I never wanted to know because it is so special to me. Anyway, while laying there half naked after doin the do, watching my man Mark do his thing on stage on the flat screen, the song came on and I looked over to her and said, “I love this dam song, its one of the reasons I love this movie so much, because of the music and the way this song makes me feel”. She said this is a good song and yeah I like it to, it’s a classic. I said really, that’s cool, we have another thing in common, and let’s listen to the song together. Just about that time while totally getting lost in the lyrics of the song, she looked at me and said, “yeah, I lost my virginity to this song in the back off a guys pick up truck when I was drunk out of my mind, and grooved to the music while he was fucking me. So yeah, I know this song, why do you like it?” Okay and for the record, that was a bit too much info for me, and all of a sudden, the movie got blurry, my mind start wandering and that song lost a little bit of shine to it to me. You see one of my quirks is to be the standard in all I do. I am not saying I need to be the best, but you can dam well bet that is my goal in doing whatever it is I associate myself with and put my mind to. A song that I had loved and kept a mystery to cherish each time I heard it, was and is now mentally associated with a woman I am laying next to, getting banged in the back of a rusted out Ford F150, and more than likely, will be that way for a very long time. Needless to say, I start looking at her at that moment like the person that ran over my dog, shot my mother, stole from me and tried to sell back what she stole from me and ate my last snickers candy bar, all at the same time. Now I’m not sure that was the reason I broke up with her, but can tell you that in telling me that, it didn’t help her cause in convincing me we should stay together. But is that her fault, the song, the timing and more? Was it wrong for her to tell me the truth? She didn’t know how that would affect me, and I am pretty sure if she did, she might not have ruined my high in saying so. But I take it as a sign. A signal to signify or test my commitment to her, the past, my joy and the many things associated in our paths to join. Maybe it was a test to see if I could get over it, or allow it to get over me. Regardless, the song is still one of my favorites, but I laugh and shake my head now whenever I hear it or go threw my movie collection and see that movie looking right back at me.
So on a brighter note, this theory goes as a shout out to one of my friends in my crew, and to you that may have encountered such a situation. You know just like the cliché and movie, there is a thin line between love and hate, and if it is in either pencil or pen, it can move if you don’t notice it every once in a while. As a man, it has been instilled in us to provide, be strong and more, while in the woman, to nurture, support and guide. A friend of mine just recently found out his wife was having extra marital affairs with someone that basically did nothing wrong. The man, and I do say “the man” she was caught cheating with, didn’t know she was involved in a committed way, or married for that matter, so in every way, he was in the dark so to speak on the situation. The thing is, my friend works hard to provide for his family, maybe too hard for some, and is away often, so his wife was alone, or should I say lonely in her mind, a lot. They have a lavish home, the cars, been married for over a decade, and have settled into a quality of life and have become accustomed to a certain level of living. Now he is not a bad guy and she is not a bad woman, but somewhere in between saying “I do” at the alter and “stop” when she felt the need to explore and he to another business deal, they lost something. She had what me and many of my friends have that we call, “A Spot”, where it is a condo or apartment that looks like someone stays there, but in all actual, no one does unless they are there to do whatever. That’s where she would meet the guy, and he had no idea of the double life my friends’ wife was living or leading. Now yeah I support my man and will always have his back, but in this situation I can not blame anyone. The once loud sounds and lines of communication broke down in silence some where, and before you knew it, they weren’t talking to each other, merely at each other in a demanding way for no reason. In my theory, “Meeting with my ex”, I vividly described why I have never been married, and how trying to juggle the balance between career and relationship, is close to impossible in my opinion. I mean don’t get me wrong, people do it, do it everyday and do it well, but to maintain that magical spark that brought you two down the isle, requires much more attention that it took from the beginning to maintain it, excel within it and elevate it to a place where the relationship is more or larger than either one of the two people involved in it. I remember having a conversation with the world famous Andre Young (Dr. Dre) at a video shoot when the D.O.C. was on top, and him telling me the traps and obstacles in becoming an overnight success that took many many years to happen. Master P. also spoke to me on this on many occasions when he got started in the bay area, and how before he knew it, he was caught up in things he didn’t even know were possible. The people, the time it takes from you, the temptations and more, can easily take you away from the very thing that brought those things to you. That’s why the majority of great artist, entertainers and business people have consultants or strong management teams to shield them and keep them on grounded and on course. Right now Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Brittany Spears are the prime examples. Even Michael Vick or Pacman Jones has fallen victims to this, and the cycle is unforgiving once you get involved in it. They forgot why they are popular, and for a brief moment, let it become larger than they were and or they thought they were above the laws of life. You see with stardom comes a price you don’t factor in, and when you are in it, you are just being you, and something else to those around you. That’s why I selected to work in the back ground for many years, and silently assist people to stay out of the line of fire, so to speak. But Dr. Dre said it best when he said, “AD, for every dollar you make, there are a hundred people trying to take it and earn that same dollar from you that you made from someone else”. That has never held more true when I started my firm and seen the angles and ways a person can become in debt for a lifetime from making a momentary move in the wrong direction. You see Lindsay Lohan didn’t have the proper friends around her when she recently got caught for the gazillionth time with drugs, a suspended license and speeding. If she had people around her that really cared about her, they would have been driving because they knew what she could lose if she got caught, and they would have helped her help herself. With Lindsay soon to be in jail, those friends that were with her, wont have that meal ticket any more, because all they were thinking about was something the couldn’t understand. They’re not in the news, they’re not gong to lose out on movie deals, they’re not going to get the endorsements or lose them, Lindsay is, and by them not caring about what got them where they were at, they lost it. I mean yeah, the media loves this shit because they are the same people that brought her up, and there is no more satisfaction when you are absorbed or processed with power than to watch what you made quickly, be destroyed slowly and you still make a profit. That’s why I say there are gold diggers and there are gold plated playthings and mates. I would rather be with a gold digger instead of a gold plated playmate, because a gold digger is smart and needs to live a certain way, not just survive any way like a gold plated playmate. A gold digger will not carelessly spend money today, because she needs to have money and ways to make more money tomorrow. A gold digger is motivated; a gold plated playmate has motives. A gold digger invest in things, a gold plated playmates waste and spends any thing. A gold plated playmate, will carelessly run through your savings, test your limits, will not motivate the bread winner to make more, and will abandon you when it’s gone. A gold digger will make sure her golden goose is happy, fit, and productive and won’t bring upon any un-due stress, so it can continue spitting out golden eggs to maintain the lifestyle she needs, not just wants. Take this scenario for example, selecting roles in Hollywood , can make or break an actor or actress in a heartbeat. Remember, in almost every facet in life, there are a million people making a few things for a select few and a few people making a million off of everyone. People like Al Pacino, Robert De Niro, Meryl Streep and Glen Close, Tom Hanks, Robert Duval, Denzel, Clint, Morgan Freeman, Johnnie Deep, George Clooney and others on that high scale, have made a living, a great living on selecting the right roles in the right movies. Its about quality, not just the quantity, remember that. When the movie Spiderman was first being presented to the movie executives and studios, the beautiful daughter of Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn, Kate Hudson was being touted as the next big starlet after making a string of hits on the silver screen. She had just finished “Almost Famous”, “How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days” and more, and was extremely marketable and perfect for the role due to timing, looks, and more. But when presented with the script of Spiderman, she felt the movie wasn’t a good fit for her, not going to sell in the theaters and she would rather film the movie, Alex & Emma with Luke Wilson that she was now seeing on the side at that time when she was married. Now Like had a influence on Kate emotionally and sexually obviously because of his involvement with her, and because of that lustful connection, she passed on Spiderman to film the romantic comedy that she actually more than likely didn’t read in a business manner. Instead of using her love for acting, she was being used by her lust for an actor. Kirsten Dunst was doing good movies at the time, but in smaller roles and was not even on the list of fine actresses to compliment Toby Maguire in this movie being billed as the next big thing in Hollyweird. After reading for the role again and again, then convincing the directors that she would be a great fit for less money, Kirsten got the role. Now, think about the last time you heard of Kate Hudson in a great movie besides getting divorced from Mr. Chris Robinson from the Black Crows and being on Entertainment Tonight, and where did Kirsten’s career go after Peter Parker hit the screen? My point is this, selections and choices are never guaranteed, but what is cemented in life is the quality of ones work and all that comes with it. Besides Kate Hudson losing her marriage, she broke up with the Hollywood playboy Luke Wilson, had to re-think her professional strategies, basically learn a hard lesson which hopefully turns out good and involved children and others. All of that over some sex and the title of this theory I call, The Side Effects aka What Comes With It.
That brings me back to sex and making love. Right now in my life, if I am talking to someone, scratch that, communicating or conversing with someone, it is for a reason. If I am sleeping with someone, it is to go somewhere beyond the bedroom, not just anywhere with just anyone where I have no clue or plan where I am going. If it works out or not, I would like to look back on my choice as a good one, not a bad selection based on me thinking with the wrong head. In the worse case scenario, in the aftermath if the relationship goes either north or south, I would at least like to look into the mirror and be happy with the selection I made for the moment, the present and the future. Now it more than likely will never be a 100% guarantee I will be happy with the outcome if it prospers or fails because I am a perfectionist, but on some level, I would like to say to myself, not anyone else, but to myself, that was a good choice ADGere and I made it with no regrets for the correct reasons for my life, not just the right ones at the moment. You hear of people all of the time saying that they wish that they were rich, were popular, had this or that and more things on a realistic but rare level, but not understanding what comes with that or the things a person must endure to achieve them. The target that comes on ones back when they are in high places or dead center in the spotlight is so dam bright, that those trying to hide in the back that are actually in control and pulling the strings to make what ever is happening happen, need to shelter themselves so they won’t get blinded by the bullshit. Many women want larger breast, but don’t take in account the back problems that are associated with the extra weight. It’s like ordering a meal at a restaurant. Ordering the main entrée and not really ordering what comes with the meal is an after thought. Many restaurants like Ruth Chris Steakhouse, serves excellent side dishes, but it is the steak they want you to concentrate on, not the mac and cheese or the au gratin potatoes. Those things, the things that comes with the entrée is what I am writing about today. Think about when we even hear about medicine to mask a problem or fix a sickness, it not only helps you get over the illness, but what comes with it is the side effects that can or more than likely will have you visiting the doctor again. The things that is also associated with fixing something that in most cases don’t over shadow the initial problem, can be the problem if you don’t get to the root of it. That’s why many that want to love in my opinion, can’t love anyone else because they don’t love themselves first. If your car is damaged or needs fixing, it can be done, but the side effect is the amount it will cost and the time effected in waiting for this procedure to take place and happen. For example, girls and females wanting the bad boy or the thugged out character, forget what comes with that, i.e. The Side Effects. I think tattoos are cool and great, but I don’t have one. I don’t have one because to me, I am not the flashy type of guy; I’m a subtle aggressive type man that needs to be versatile. That’s one of the many reasons I never sold drugs, because of the side effects that comes with it. Yeah the money is off tha hook, but sleeping with one eye open, constantly looking over your shoulder for the police or another dealer wanting to take over your territory, was too much for me. It just seemed easier to do it legally, for the long term and actually formulate a plan that I can pass on to my children if they cared to follow in dear ole dads footsteps one day. I have always said that I enjoy beautiful women, will one day marry one and more, but can’t stand what comes with it, and I am a very secure man. Looks are just looks to me, just like money is just money, and the visual justifications I have seen people give in to, makes no sense to me. I once dated a very well known actress and model for three years exclusively and after I broke up with her, many said I was crazy because she was so beautiful. Now I said to them, what does that have to do with how she treated me, made me feel and more? In all reality, it isn’t even her I should praise, it’s her parents for creating her, and the world I should curse or the star struck fools that allowed her to lose respect for the gift of life, men, the ability to earn and more that I should blame. But why should I blame them, she absorb the things, believed them, carried them over in her life and used those moment to get where she is at. I mean who am I to try and change the world or the way someone thinks? The last person that tried to save the world was crucified on the cross, and I am no way near the man he was and is. Just because she might have had lips that look as if they could suck a golf ball through a straw, breast the size of basketballs, about five foot ten with legs that went to the sky, should that nullify everything else that really matters to me? What if she couldn’t cook, a nasty and dirty slob, farted loudly in public, laughed too loud to get attention and could not hold a conversation if it was in a basket tied around her arm, should I stay with her forever because she simply, looked good? Now people will be people and people will do their best to get what they want, can’t knock the hustle. But if you remember that all of the water, I mean not a little bit, but in gathering up all of the water in the world, you can not sink a ship that is sailing on top of it because it is designed to float. Now the only way to sink a ship with a fraction of the water I mentioned or the amount of water half of the size of the ship, a way to sink it and infiltrate its purpose is if it gets inside of it. Meaning, it doesn’t matter how tempting, how much or the abundance of attention a person is getting, what matters is when they start absorbing, living or feeding off of the attention to validate what they are naturally trying to represent. Now ironically, when placing a wall up to protect what you have obtained, is risky. So make sure you can nourish it with what you have inside if you do that, because that wall does two things. You see I wear my heart on my sleeve and have been hurt many times on purpose and on accident. The thing is, when you are the one being hurt, it really doesn’t seem to matter at the time if it was meant or not meant to happen, and all that matters is that you want it go away. Now while being in pain, you may not be in your right frame of mind and do things you would not normally do. If you do that or go down that path, you are now traveling further away from the thing that can help you, time, and heading towards another disaster waiting to happen, i.e. Lindsay Lohan. But yes, I have placed walls up to keep or protect myself in the past, but what it also did without me knowing at the time was keep a lot of opportunities and good things out as well. I remember a woman I was conversing with a while back once asking me to read her mind and tell her what I think she is saying to me at the time. My response was, “I will not assume anything nor will I insult your intelligence by trying or meagerly attempting to read your mind. I don’t have that gift. What I will do is converse with you, not talk or send you what I am all about, but communicate with you and let you marinate your thoughts at a comfort level that will bring upon a better grin and not place you in a position to lose, but win over yourself via me. You will without a doubt after fully hearing and understand where I am coming from, not have to assume what I am saying but know exactly what I am meaning when you really feel me, not just touch on who you think I may be!” Needless to say she was taken back a bit by my straight to the point verbiage, and wondered either what has a previous woman done to me to bring upon such a response, or what will I do the next one that understands the journey I have traveled to speak in such a manner. I’m not really sure she would think either one really, but I have grown beyond the surface I think. I would like to believe that throughout my years or in the different stages of my life, I have grown to know the differences that mean something to me and something else to someone else. I know me, and though I live and grow everyday, know the path I am traveling, would like to travel and one day document for others to reflect upon to see if they wish to follow in my foot steps. If they do it or not is not of my concern or why I wish to do it. But just knowing I did it for someone or thing greater than myself, is the best reward for me and what I represent. That may or may not be true, but what it is, is what it is, and that is what I feel. That’s why I say that sex means nothing to me. Money doesn’t mean anything and the many things I have given away; I now wish I had held onto to see if what I once thought was trash is now treasured like time. I also have no regrets on my carelessness, though I pay more attention to things that seem less important. And yeah, I still have my quirks, have my issues and more, but I am also selecting my choices more wisely. Its not the cosmetics that stimulate me now, it is the things behind the make up that are the ingredients in my personal make up that form a stimulating result. So select your moments wisely is my word to you today, and do it with thoughts on each spectrum and everything in between. Include passion in your choices, so that which ever way it may fall, it lands where you want it to be or needed not to be. Think about why you are doing things, for whom, how long and where you hope it lands you when you return to earth. Think about the heavens, the hell and this life in between that may determine where you end up. Think about that extra dollar you are desperate to make, that business deal you can’t turn down, that one last drink before last call, that booty call that can easily turn into a doctors visit and what you are doing and why. Think about is it worth examining the only life you have to live, how you wish to live it, with whom and can you live with that choice, even if it kills. Think about if you talk, converse or stay silent and why, and is this worth that when that is or may be this, testing or waiting for you to decide which one you want or need it to be. And don’t forget about what comes with those choices and selections, because that my friends are The Side Effects. The things we often overlook when looking at the big picture and not the many little things That Comes With It to make it what it is when it is all imagined, said and done –
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As I am writing this theory, I am playing and replaying this Moodsetter music disc I am putting together that I haven’t titled yet, but keep playing this one song by the great DJ Jazzy Jeff. Yeah, that Jazzy Jeff that used to be with my man Will Smith, and he does these little side projects that are not heavily promoted, but seriously groove like no other. The track I am hooked on is called, “My Soul Aint For Sale”, and the neo-soul artist Raheem DeVaughn is the lead vocalist. Anyway, as I am putting together this music cd, I am thinking about the quirks I have and how many times I have actually sold my soul for cheap. I know, I am going into left field again, but hold on and ride this thing out with me, it will come around, I promise. You see everyone that remotely knows me knows I am a music and movie junkie, and in saying that, one of my biggest quirks came out in the process that I am about to display. I mean everyone has quirks, and it could be the smallest thing to set you off that many don’t seem to understand when they irk you. I know people that have broken up with people because they left the toilet seat up all of the time, or didn’t screw the toothpaste cap on or were slobs and more. I’m not saying that was the particular reason, but it definitely sparked the flames that eventually, burnt the house down. My thing revolves around moments and the importance of them that makes other moments less than they should be because I sometimes get stuck on the quirks that bother the hell outta me when others say they are stupid or way too sensitive. Example; a while back I was seriously involved with a woman that I was trying to ease into my life. We had been together for a while and she actually did it to me on many levels that made this relationship somewhat serious. She had the look, the smarts, the right age for me, skin color, the soccer mom slut tendencies and the intellect I felt could keep me being me when I was learning to become a better me. So as we were laying in the bed watching a movie I absolutely love called, “Rock Star” starring Mark (Marky Mark) Walberg and Jennifer Anniston this one evening, this song came on during the movie that I adore. I never really knew who sung it, and it was one of those things that I never wanted to know because it is so special to me. Anyway, while laying there half naked after doin the do, watching my man Mark do his thing on stage on the flat screen, the song came on and I looked over to her and said, “I love this dam song, its one of the reasons I love this movie so much, because of the music and the way this song makes me feel”. She said this is a good song and yeah I like it to, it’s a classic. I said really, that’s cool, we have another thing in common, and let’s listen to the song together. Just about that time while totally getting lost in the lyrics of the song, she looked at me and said, “yeah, I lost my virginity to this song in the back off a guys pick up truck when I was drunk out of my mind, and grooved to the music while he was fucking me. So yeah, I know this song, why do you like it?” Okay and for the record, that was a bit too much info for me, and all of a sudden, the movie got blurry, my mind start wandering and that song lost a little bit of shine to it to me. You see one of my quirks is to be the standard in all I do. I am not saying I need to be the best, but you can dam well bet that is my goal in doing whatever it is I associate myself with and put my mind to. A song that I had loved and kept a mystery to cherish each time I heard it, was and is now mentally associated with a woman I am laying next to, getting banged in the back of a rusted out Ford F150, and more than likely, will be that way for a very long time. Needless to say, I start looking at her at that moment like the person that ran over my dog, shot my mother, stole from me and tried to sell back what she stole from me and ate my last snickers candy bar, all at the same time. Now I’m not sure that was the reason I broke up with her, but can tell you that in telling me that, it didn’t help her cause in convincing me we should stay together. But is that her fault, the song, the timing and more? Was it wrong for her to tell me the truth? She didn’t know how that would affect me, and I am pretty sure if she did, she might not have ruined my high in saying so. But I take it as a sign. A signal to signify or test my commitment to her, the past, my joy and the many things associated in our paths to join. Maybe it was a test to see if I could get over it, or allow it to get over me. Regardless, the song is still one of my favorites, but I laugh and shake my head now whenever I hear it or go threw my movie collection and see that movie looking right back at me.
So on a brighter note, this theory goes as a shout out to one of my friends in my crew, and to you that may have encountered such a situation. You know just like the cliché and movie, there is a thin line between love and hate, and if it is in either pencil or pen, it can move if you don’t notice it every once in a while. As a man, it has been instilled in us to provide, be strong and more, while in the woman, to nurture, support and guide. A friend of mine just recently found out his wife was having extra marital affairs with someone that basically did nothing wrong. The man, and I do say “the man” she was caught cheating with, didn’t know she was involved in a committed way, or married for that matter, so in every way, he was in the dark so to speak on the situation. The thing is, my friend works hard to provide for his family, maybe too hard for some, and is away often, so his wife was alone, or should I say lonely in her mind, a lot. They have a lavish home, the cars, been married for over a decade, and have settled into a quality of life and have become accustomed to a certain level of living. Now he is not a bad guy and she is not a bad woman, but somewhere in between saying “I do” at the alter and “stop” when she felt the need to explore and he to another business deal, they lost something. She had what me and many of my friends have that we call, “A Spot”, where it is a condo or apartment that looks like someone stays there, but in all actual, no one does unless they are there to do whatever. That’s where she would meet the guy, and he had no idea of the double life my friends’ wife was living or leading. Now yeah I support my man and will always have his back, but in this situation I can not blame anyone. The once loud sounds and lines of communication broke down in silence some where, and before you knew it, they weren’t talking to each other, merely at each other in a demanding way for no reason. In my theory, “Meeting with my ex”, I vividly described why I have never been married, and how trying to juggle the balance between career and relationship, is close to impossible in my opinion. I mean don’t get me wrong, people do it, do it everyday and do it well, but to maintain that magical spark that brought you two down the isle, requires much more attention that it took from the beginning to maintain it, excel within it and elevate it to a place where the relationship is more or larger than either one of the two people involved in it. I remember having a conversation with the world famous Andre Young (Dr. Dre) at a video shoot when the D.O.C. was on top, and him telling me the traps and obstacles in becoming an overnight success that took many many years to happen. Master P. also spoke to me on this on many occasions when he got started in the bay area, and how before he knew it, he was caught up in things he didn’t even know were possible. The people, the time it takes from you, the temptations and more, can easily take you away from the very thing that brought those things to you. That’s why the majority of great artist, entertainers and business people have consultants or strong management teams to shield them and keep them on grounded and on course. Right now Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Brittany Spears are the prime examples. Even Michael Vick or Pacman Jones has fallen victims to this, and the cycle is unforgiving once you get involved in it. They forgot why they are popular, and for a brief moment, let it become larger than they were and or they thought they were above the laws of life. You see with stardom comes a price you don’t factor in, and when you are in it, you are just being you, and something else to those around you. That’s why I selected to work in the back ground for many years, and silently assist people to stay out of the line of fire, so to speak. But Dr. Dre said it best when he said, “AD, for every dollar you make, there are a hundred people trying to take it and earn that same dollar from you that you made from someone else”. That has never held more true when I started my firm and seen the angles and ways a person can become in debt for a lifetime from making a momentary move in the wrong direction. You see Lindsay Lohan didn’t have the proper friends around her when she recently got caught for the gazillionth time with drugs, a suspended license and speeding. If she had people around her that really cared about her, they would have been driving because they knew what she could lose if she got caught, and they would have helped her help herself. With Lindsay soon to be in jail, those friends that were with her, wont have that meal ticket any more, because all they were thinking about was something the couldn’t understand. They’re not in the news, they’re not gong to lose out on movie deals, they’re not going to get the endorsements or lose them, Lindsay is, and by them not caring about what got them where they were at, they lost it. I mean yeah, the media loves this shit because they are the same people that brought her up, and there is no more satisfaction when you are absorbed or processed with power than to watch what you made quickly, be destroyed slowly and you still make a profit. That’s why I say there are gold diggers and there are gold plated playthings and mates. I would rather be with a gold digger instead of a gold plated playmate, because a gold digger is smart and needs to live a certain way, not just survive any way like a gold plated playmate. A gold digger will not carelessly spend money today, because she needs to have money and ways to make more money tomorrow. A gold digger is motivated; a gold plated playmate has motives. A gold digger invest in things, a gold plated playmates waste and spends any thing. A gold plated playmate, will carelessly run through your savings, test your limits, will not motivate the bread winner to make more, and will abandon you when it’s gone. A gold digger will make sure her golden goose is happy, fit, and productive and won’t bring upon any un-due stress, so it can continue spitting out golden eggs to maintain the lifestyle she needs, not just wants. Take this scenario for example, selecting roles in Hollywood , can make or break an actor or actress in a heartbeat. Remember, in almost every facet in life, there are a million people making a few things for a select few and a few people making a million off of everyone. People like Al Pacino, Robert De Niro, Meryl Streep and Glen Close, Tom Hanks, Robert Duval, Denzel, Clint, Morgan Freeman, Johnnie Deep, George Clooney and others on that high scale, have made a living, a great living on selecting the right roles in the right movies. Its about quality, not just the quantity, remember that. When the movie Spiderman was first being presented to the movie executives and studios, the beautiful daughter of Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn, Kate Hudson was being touted as the next big starlet after making a string of hits on the silver screen. She had just finished “Almost Famous”, “How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days” and more, and was extremely marketable and perfect for the role due to timing, looks, and more. But when presented with the script of Spiderman, she felt the movie wasn’t a good fit for her, not going to sell in the theaters and she would rather film the movie, Alex & Emma with Luke Wilson that she was now seeing on the side at that time when she was married. Now Like had a influence on Kate emotionally and sexually obviously because of his involvement with her, and because of that lustful connection, she passed on Spiderman to film the romantic comedy that she actually more than likely didn’t read in a business manner. Instead of using her love for acting, she was being used by her lust for an actor. Kirsten Dunst was doing good movies at the time, but in smaller roles and was not even on the list of fine actresses to compliment Toby Maguire in this movie being billed as the next big thing in Hollyweird. After reading for the role again and again, then convincing the directors that she would be a great fit for less money, Kirsten got the role. Now, think about the last time you heard of Kate Hudson in a great movie besides getting divorced from Mr. Chris Robinson from the Black Crows and being on Entertainment Tonight, and where did Kirsten’s career go after Peter Parker hit the screen? My point is this, selections and choices are never guaranteed, but what is cemented in life is the quality of ones work and all that comes with it. Besides Kate Hudson losing her marriage, she broke up with the Hollywood playboy Luke Wilson, had to re-think her professional strategies, basically learn a hard lesson which hopefully turns out good and involved children and others. All of that over some sex and the title of this theory I call, The Side Effects aka What Comes With It.
That brings me back to sex and making love. Right now in my life, if I am talking to someone, scratch that, communicating or conversing with someone, it is for a reason. If I am sleeping with someone, it is to go somewhere beyond the bedroom, not just anywhere with just anyone where I have no clue or plan where I am going. If it works out or not, I would like to look back on my choice as a good one, not a bad selection based on me thinking with the wrong head. In the worse case scenario, in the aftermath if the relationship goes either north or south, I would at least like to look into the mirror and be happy with the selection I made for the moment, the present and the future. Now it more than likely will never be a 100% guarantee I will be happy with the outcome if it prospers or fails because I am a perfectionist, but on some level, I would like to say to myself, not anyone else, but to myself, that was a good choice ADGere and I made it with no regrets for the correct reasons for my life, not just the right ones at the moment. You hear of people all of the time saying that they wish that they were rich, were popular, had this or that and more things on a realistic but rare level, but not understanding what comes with that or the things a person must endure to achieve them. The target that comes on ones back when they are in high places or dead center in the spotlight is so dam bright, that those trying to hide in the back that are actually in control and pulling the strings to make what ever is happening happen, need to shelter themselves so they won’t get blinded by the bullshit. Many women want larger breast, but don’t take in account the back problems that are associated with the extra weight. It’s like ordering a meal at a restaurant. Ordering the main entrée and not really ordering what comes with the meal is an after thought. Many restaurants like Ruth Chris Steakhouse, serves excellent side dishes, but it is the steak they want you to concentrate on, not the mac and cheese or the au gratin potatoes. Those things, the things that comes with the entrée is what I am writing about today. Think about when we even hear about medicine to mask a problem or fix a sickness, it not only helps you get over the illness, but what comes with it is the side effects that can or more than likely will have you visiting the doctor again. The things that is also associated with fixing something that in most cases don’t over shadow the initial problem, can be the problem if you don’t get to the root of it. That’s why many that want to love in my opinion, can’t love anyone else because they don’t love themselves first. If your car is damaged or needs fixing, it can be done, but the side effect is the amount it will cost and the time effected in waiting for this procedure to take place and happen. For example, girls and females wanting the bad boy or the thugged out character, forget what comes with that, i.e. The Side Effects. I think tattoos are cool and great, but I don’t have one. I don’t have one because to me, I am not the flashy type of guy; I’m a subtle aggressive type man that needs to be versatile. That’s one of the many reasons I never sold drugs, because of the side effects that comes with it. Yeah the money is off tha hook, but sleeping with one eye open, constantly looking over your shoulder for the police or another dealer wanting to take over your territory, was too much for me. It just seemed easier to do it legally, for the long term and actually formulate a plan that I can pass on to my children if they cared to follow in dear ole dads footsteps one day. I have always said that I enjoy beautiful women, will one day marry one and more, but can’t stand what comes with it, and I am a very secure man. Looks are just looks to me, just like money is just money, and the visual justifications I have seen people give in to, makes no sense to me. I once dated a very well known actress and model for three years exclusively and after I broke up with her, many said I was crazy because she was so beautiful. Now I said to them, what does that have to do with how she treated me, made me feel and more? In all reality, it isn’t even her I should praise, it’s her parents for creating her, and the world I should curse or the star struck fools that allowed her to lose respect for the gift of life, men, the ability to earn and more that I should blame. But why should I blame them, she absorb the things, believed them, carried them over in her life and used those moment to get where she is at. I mean who am I to try and change the world or the way someone thinks? The last person that tried to save the world was crucified on the cross, and I am no way near the man he was and is. Just because she might have had lips that look as if they could suck a golf ball through a straw, breast the size of basketballs, about five foot ten with legs that went to the sky, should that nullify everything else that really matters to me? What if she couldn’t cook, a nasty and dirty slob, farted loudly in public, laughed too loud to get attention and could not hold a conversation if it was in a basket tied around her arm, should I stay with her forever because she simply, looked good? Now people will be people and people will do their best to get what they want, can’t knock the hustle. But if you remember that all of the water, I mean not a little bit, but in gathering up all of the water in the world, you can not sink a ship that is sailing on top of it because it is designed to float. Now the only way to sink a ship with a fraction of the water I mentioned or the amount of water half of the size of the ship, a way to sink it and infiltrate its purpose is if it gets inside of it. Meaning, it doesn’t matter how tempting, how much or the abundance of attention a person is getting, what matters is when they start absorbing, living or feeding off of the attention to validate what they are naturally trying to represent. Now ironically, when placing a wall up to protect what you have obtained, is risky. So make sure you can nourish it with what you have inside if you do that, because that wall does two things. You see I wear my heart on my sleeve and have been hurt many times on purpose and on accident. The thing is, when you are the one being hurt, it really doesn’t seem to matter at the time if it was meant or not meant to happen, and all that matters is that you want it go away. Now while being in pain, you may not be in your right frame of mind and do things you would not normally do. If you do that or go down that path, you are now traveling further away from the thing that can help you, time, and heading towards another disaster waiting to happen, i.e. Lindsay Lohan. But yes, I have placed walls up to keep or protect myself in the past, but what it also did without me knowing at the time was keep a lot of opportunities and good things out as well. I remember a woman I was conversing with a while back once asking me to read her mind and tell her what I think she is saying to me at the time. My response was, “I will not assume anything nor will I insult your intelligence by trying or meagerly attempting to read your mind. I don’t have that gift. What I will do is converse with you, not talk or send you what I am all about, but communicate with you and let you marinate your thoughts at a comfort level that will bring upon a better grin and not place you in a position to lose, but win over yourself via me. You will without a doubt after fully hearing and understand where I am coming from, not have to assume what I am saying but know exactly what I am meaning when you really feel me, not just touch on who you think I may be!” Needless to say she was taken back a bit by my straight to the point verbiage, and wondered either what has a previous woman done to me to bring upon such a response, or what will I do the next one that understands the journey I have traveled to speak in such a manner. I’m not really sure she would think either one really, but I have grown beyond the surface I think. I would like to believe that throughout my years or in the different stages of my life, I have grown to know the differences that mean something to me and something else to someone else. I know me, and though I live and grow everyday, know the path I am traveling, would like to travel and one day document for others to reflect upon to see if they wish to follow in my foot steps. If they do it or not is not of my concern or why I wish to do it. But just knowing I did it for someone or thing greater than myself, is the best reward for me and what I represent. That may or may not be true, but what it is, is what it is, and that is what I feel. That’s why I say that sex means nothing to me. Money doesn’t mean anything and the many things I have given away; I now wish I had held onto to see if what I once thought was trash is now treasured like time. I also have no regrets on my carelessness, though I pay more attention to things that seem less important. And yeah, I still have my quirks, have my issues and more, but I am also selecting my choices more wisely. Its not the cosmetics that stimulate me now, it is the things behind the make up that are the ingredients in my personal make up that form a stimulating result. So select your moments wisely is my word to you today, and do it with thoughts on each spectrum and everything in between. Include passion in your choices, so that which ever way it may fall, it lands where you want it to be or needed not to be. Think about why you are doing things, for whom, how long and where you hope it lands you when you return to earth. Think about the heavens, the hell and this life in between that may determine where you end up. Think about that extra dollar you are desperate to make, that business deal you can’t turn down, that one last drink before last call, that booty call that can easily turn into a doctors visit and what you are doing and why. Think about is it worth examining the only life you have to live, how you wish to live it, with whom and can you live with that choice, even if it kills. Think about if you talk, converse or stay silent and why, and is this worth that when that is or may be this, testing or waiting for you to decide which one you want or need it to be. And don’t forget about what comes with those choices and selections, because that my friends are The Side Effects. The things we often overlook when looking at the big picture and not the many little things That Comes With It to make it what it is when it is all imagined, said and done –
To read more of writings go to
www.theoriesofthought.com
