Shock and Awe, crap!
February 17th 2012 19:23
This has been a week of just what the title says. I am not sure if I told you all this but I am also going through a divorce along with trying to lose weight and keep it off with out using any stimulants or whatever. Let me tell you life at it’s very best can still be stressful and complicated. But then again it is only as stressful and complicated as we make it. I have not been very successful in either this week and I still have 2 full days before it is over. I am wonder just what else I can do.
The week started off like most weeks, on Monday! I worked, exercised, watched what I ate and did pretty good. Also on Monday I dealt with my wife and that was somewhat o.k. but tension between us is pretty thick. We talked and we laughed and things was going good. Tuesday was Valentines Day and even though my wife and I are separated I could not let the day go by without giving her something. So I got her a little pot plant and a hand written note. Nothing mushy just letting her know I was thinking about her. I then left town to go visit family. Wife and I talked on the phone and I did think about her often. One of the reason we are separated is due to me not sharing feelings, letting things build up inside. Not taking responsibility for my past actions. I’ll be truthful here I had a couple of little flings on the computer as many people do but I did not ever meet the ladies, I never had any intentions of meeting her. For me it was nothing more than role playing. I never thought about it hurting her the way it did. Well, I haven’t even thought about doing it since. I was stupid in my actions, selfish and acted without thought one. I apologized, admitted the errors of my way and have spent several years trying to live it down. Anyway, while I was out of town I did some searching in myself and realized if I wanted to save my marriage, if that was a possibility, I would need to open up and let her know what was bugging me. I invited her out after I got back, we went to dinner. Then went riding around later. We talked, well I talked. She did what she does best and she twisted around what I was trying to say in a manner that said I was blaming her for all that is wrong with us. Well, that isn’t what I was doing. I was telling her that the things that caused pain for me. The biggest one was the fact she refuses to let go of what I did several years ago. So no matter how much apologizing, how much I show her that I am not doing things that could hurt her my event, my indiscretion, my act of selfish stupidity from the past is still held over my head like an executioners axe. I know I screwed up, I know I hurt her but it appears that she is holding on to that hurt as a weapon. Ready to strike at the first sign of trouble. My problems are shoved to the rear and hers are put front and center. So I shut down. I stop talking about what bugged me about her.
I guess you are wondering what this has to do with weight loss. Oh just, EVERYTHING! Like many I used food as shield. When things got really lousy I dove head first into an eating frenzy. Well, (slapping myself on the back) I haven’t done a lot of frenzy eating this time, some but not like I use to. Food is a great stress fighter. However, for me and probably for you too it also induces stress. Afterwards I feel a lot of guilt, remorse and whatever else you can imagine about eating all the crap. So I got that going on with the marriage thing. Then I got my job and all of it’s quirks. Money matters are creeping into the situation. So needless to say, life for me right this very minute is less than desirable. Now please do not get me wrong I am not thinking about doing a swan dive or anything like that. But I am entitled to say things like that because right now it is less than desirable.
About the only I know for sure and certain is, I am the only person I can count on and at times that is scary. But it is the truth. I control to a point what goes on in my life. I can either hole up like a hermit and become that recluse that every town has or I can keep creeping forward because I know that the current situation is temporary. What happens between my wife and I is uncertain at this time. The hand writing is on the wall as they say but until the fat lady sings there is no way of knowing what the exact outcome will be. I know that I am going to fight the food battle for the rest of my life and I am also going to have stressful situations throughout my life so I better make damn sure they can co-exist.
I look back and I can see what kind of jerk I have been in both marriage and my general life. By my not talking I see that as a way to avoid conflict. That is not always the best strategy. Sometimes you need to get it out, deal with it so it can die a peaceful death. On the other hand, if I look at my wife’s actions. Holding on to the past can be detrimental to everyone around. I know I hurt her, I know that she may never forgive me and I am damn certain she will never forget but I was raised to forgive someone regardless as to what they did. Even for murder. I will not and cannot forgive a child molester. I can choose not deal with them and in the end God will prevail, he always does. I once heard a comic, a reglious one say that God is a spoiled little kid who will reek havoc if he doesn’t get his way. I don’t necessarily agree with that. I think God just sits back and says, “You can pay me now or you can pay me later.” Either way God is going to get his piece of thunder of that I am certain on.
Well it has been real and it has been fun but it hasn’t been real fun. I am sorry if I bored you to tears for that was not my intention. I use this opportunity to get thoughts and crap off my chest. It is a pretty sweet deal. I get to talk and it does not matter to me if this is read, I still get to talk. One day I hope that someone will leave a message after one of my writings and tell me what they truly think. I welcome that day were someone has the balls to say what most are already thinking. Well, I got to go and I hope everyone reading this has a great day and a better journey. See ya.
J.A.G.
The week started off like most weeks, on Monday! I worked, exercised, watched what I ate and did pretty good. Also on Monday I dealt with my wife and that was somewhat o.k. but tension between us is pretty thick. We talked and we laughed and things was going good. Tuesday was Valentines Day and even though my wife and I are separated I could not let the day go by without giving her something. So I got her a little pot plant and a hand written note. Nothing mushy just letting her know I was thinking about her. I then left town to go visit family. Wife and I talked on the phone and I did think about her often. One of the reason we are separated is due to me not sharing feelings, letting things build up inside. Not taking responsibility for my past actions. I’ll be truthful here I had a couple of little flings on the computer as many people do but I did not ever meet the ladies, I never had any intentions of meeting her. For me it was nothing more than role playing. I never thought about it hurting her the way it did. Well, I haven’t even thought about doing it since. I was stupid in my actions, selfish and acted without thought one. I apologized, admitted the errors of my way and have spent several years trying to live it down. Anyway, while I was out of town I did some searching in myself and realized if I wanted to save my marriage, if that was a possibility, I would need to open up and let her know what was bugging me. I invited her out after I got back, we went to dinner. Then went riding around later. We talked, well I talked. She did what she does best and she twisted around what I was trying to say in a manner that said I was blaming her for all that is wrong with us. Well, that isn’t what I was doing. I was telling her that the things that caused pain for me. The biggest one was the fact she refuses to let go of what I did several years ago. So no matter how much apologizing, how much I show her that I am not doing things that could hurt her my event, my indiscretion, my act of selfish stupidity from the past is still held over my head like an executioners axe. I know I screwed up, I know I hurt her but it appears that she is holding on to that hurt as a weapon. Ready to strike at the first sign of trouble. My problems are shoved to the rear and hers are put front and center. So I shut down. I stop talking about what bugged me about her.
I guess you are wondering what this has to do with weight loss. Oh just, EVERYTHING! Like many I used food as shield. When things got really lousy I dove head first into an eating frenzy. Well, (slapping myself on the back) I haven’t done a lot of frenzy eating this time, some but not like I use to. Food is a great stress fighter. However, for me and probably for you too it also induces stress. Afterwards I feel a lot of guilt, remorse and whatever else you can imagine about eating all the crap. So I got that going on with the marriage thing. Then I got my job and all of it’s quirks. Money matters are creeping into the situation. So needless to say, life for me right this very minute is less than desirable. Now please do not get me wrong I am not thinking about doing a swan dive or anything like that. But I am entitled to say things like that because right now it is less than desirable.
About the only I know for sure and certain is, I am the only person I can count on and at times that is scary. But it is the truth. I control to a point what goes on in my life. I can either hole up like a hermit and become that recluse that every town has or I can keep creeping forward because I know that the current situation is temporary. What happens between my wife and I is uncertain at this time. The hand writing is on the wall as they say but until the fat lady sings there is no way of knowing what the exact outcome will be. I know that I am going to fight the food battle for the rest of my life and I am also going to have stressful situations throughout my life so I better make damn sure they can co-exist.
I look back and I can see what kind of jerk I have been in both marriage and my general life. By my not talking I see that as a way to avoid conflict. That is not always the best strategy. Sometimes you need to get it out, deal with it so it can die a peaceful death. On the other hand, if I look at my wife’s actions. Holding on to the past can be detrimental to everyone around. I know I hurt her, I know that she may never forgive me and I am damn certain she will never forget but I was raised to forgive someone regardless as to what they did. Even for murder. I will not and cannot forgive a child molester. I can choose not deal with them and in the end God will prevail, he always does. I once heard a comic, a reglious one say that God is a spoiled little kid who will reek havoc if he doesn’t get his way. I don’t necessarily agree with that. I think God just sits back and says, “You can pay me now or you can pay me later.” Either way God is going to get his piece of thunder of that I am certain on.
Well it has been real and it has been fun but it hasn’t been real fun. I am sorry if I bored you to tears for that was not my intention. I use this opportunity to get thoughts and crap off my chest. It is a pretty sweet deal. I get to talk and it does not matter to me if this is read, I still get to talk. One day I hope that someone will leave a message after one of my writings and tell me what they truly think. I welcome that day were someone has the balls to say what most are already thinking. Well, I got to go and I hope everyone reading this has a great day and a better journey. See ya.
J.A.G.
| 19 |
| Vote |
subscribe to this blog
