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Shark Tank: Dwight Howard Makes His Case

January 25th 2013 23:31
With the Los Angeles Lakers season in disarray and Dwight Howard a free agent at season’s end it is not a foregone conclusion that he will sign with the L.A. One of the teams that would be VERY interested in Howard’s services includes the Dallas Mavericks. This brings Mark Cuban into the discussion. What if Dwight Howard had to present his case to the SHARK TANK, pitching his case to potential investors (Cuban included)?

Dwight Howard appears before the judges, here’s his pitch:
I have led the league in rebounds per game four times, blocks per game twice, and double-doubles three times. I am the youngest player in NBA history to reach 1000, 2000, 3000, 4000, 5000, 6000, and 7000 career rebounds, and the youngest player in NBA history to lead the league in rebounding and blocks. I also became the first NBA player ever to lead the league in total rebounds for five consecutive seasons and am also the first player ever to lead the league in rebounding, blocks, and field goal percentage in the same season. I have won the NBA’s Defensive Player of the Year Award three consecutive seasons.

In exchange for my defense and rebounding, I am seeking a max contract of 4 years, 100 million dollars.

Kevin O'Leary
“I will offer you 20 million for 15 years.” Dwight laughs to the point of almost falling over. “Okay, I just offered you a great deal.” Mark Cuban informs O’Leary of Howard’s current salary. “Whatever, I’m Mr. Wonderful, fuck this guy. I’m out.”

Barbara Corcoran

“I’m still trying to figure out how this would work on QVC, but I’m not seeing it. I’m out.”

Daymond John
“What it sounds like to me is that you are expecting me to have to work for my money.” Looks at Dwight who is confused. “I don’t have time to work for my money and for that reason I’m out.”

Robert Herjavec
“My father was an immigrant so I understand the importance of defense and the underdog role, but I have to say, I know nothing about basketball. I’m out.”

Mark Cuban

“Over the past year people have seen me and the Dallas Mavericks pull back and show restraint.” Dramatic Pause. “The reason is because I’ve been waiting for the right opportunity.” Cuban smiles, then says “I offer 500 million dollars for 5 years.”

Dwight Howard: Ponders for a minute. “Let me think about it.”

Cue Mark Cuban throwing up in his mouth.

David S. Grant is an author of several books, rock columnist, travel writer, and NBA blogger. Follow David on Twitter: @david_s_grant


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