pieceofmymindSharing My Grief With The World
June 29th 2007 02:49
It has been 19 days since my grandmother passed away, and if I wasn’t keeping track of the days, I would swear it has been a lifetime since then. Everything in my life seems to be going in slow motion, but the rest of the world is moving along as if nothing has happened. Thank God for mental stability, because if I didn’t have any, I would be somewhere standing in the middle of the street hollering at the world: “Hey, could you stop going on with your life as if nothing happened? MY GRANDMOTHER DIED!!!!!!!”
The world, the same world that befriends you when you are on top and kicks you when you are down…this same world doesn’t give a care when you lose someone who is close to you. Where is the love? Your job gives you three days for bereavement, three days…that’s not even long enough to fully begin the grieving process. Friends and distant, well, very distant family members come around to offer their condolences, and while that is very much appreciated, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t tired of hearing that same old line: “I’m so sorry to hear about your grandmother.” If you ever have a friend or anyone you care about that loses someone close, my advice to you is to say nothing; just show up with your arms wide open, and be the shoulder to cry on, and the friend they can rely on. Take them food, make sure they eat, make sure they have everything they need, and only stay as long as you are needed; you will know when it is time to go – the family might need your help, but they need space too. Losing someone will take you on an emotional roller coaster ride that will lead you to neglect yourself; you need someone there to help you get through it. More importantly, please don’t tell them everything will be alright because it doesn’t feel like it, and sometimes, that minimizes the grief…this is the last thing I want to hear – I am so tired of hearing that, and anyone else who has gone through it, or is going through it now, can probably relate all too well.
Grief is like a bad drug. It can turn a strong-minded, stubborn, driven young woman into a weak-minded, depressed soul. It can make relationships stronger, or destroy them. It can change your life. This is what is happening to me. The loss of my grandmother has revealed to me the strength that she contributed to our family. Even if she was doing nothing but sitting at home, I knew that she was there; I found strength in that. I found strength in the way that no matter what we talked about, she always managed to make it so that I was never, ever wrong. I could be in error, but she was always on my side; she was that person who was able to put aside the need to correct me because she was determined to protect me and be there for me. Now that she is gone, I realize that these things made such a big difference in my life.
Oh God, if I could just stop experiencing the pain all over again; I was there, I was there, but no matter what, when I think about it, it is like realizing that she is gone all over again. I thought I had already experienced the worst pain I could ever experience. I’ve been told many times by older adults; whenever I said that…they would always tell me “Keep living.” They were so right. Life has so many twists and turns; one minute, I am thinking about the fact that we haven’t taken my grandmother out to eat in a while…then the next minute, I am writing her obituary and helping to plan her memorial service. I am a spiritual person, and I come from a spiritual family. My grandmother was one that you could always find reading her Bible every night before bed. I take comfort in the fact that as we held her hands when she took her last breath, as we told her that it was okay for her to go, as we told her that we loved her…we ushered her right into the arms of the God that she loved and served for so many years. I know she is in Heaven watching out for me, and if she could, she would probably tell me I was wrong this time; I know she doesn’t want me to be sad and cry. At this time, all I can say is, as I have said so many times since her passing…sorry Granny.
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