Scared Shit-less
May 6th 2006 04:24
Scared Shit-less: Down and Dirty in India
Here's a little story that must be told....
"...On a hot, sunny afternoon, I was prompted to go to the toilet, as happens now and then. Staying on the outskirts of Naggar, a small town in Himmachal Pradesh. Tthe owners of the guest house didn't have a formal toilet as such, but rather pointed to their orchard with expectant looks when I quizzed them on facilities.
Wandering through the orchard with my pale of water, skipping along gaily, I felt like a boy in a nursery rhyme, and was glad of the effect. I spotted a good corner behind some bushes and bundles of sticks to be used for firewood.
I was in desperate need of relief, but just as I had squatted and let the first one go a (gulp!) big, black dog from the neighbouring property began barking fiercely and staggering towards me.
I froze.
He stopped about 10 metres away, and stood with puffed chest, haunches and hind legs stiff and erect in a posture of theatrical aggression. I let out a sigh of relief at his decision to cease the advance, and took the pale and myself (now also quite pale) to a more exposed area to my left.
I eyed the creature cautiously. He looked ready to pounce at any moment, and the tension in my bowels coupled with the tension in the air was almost too much to bear!
A second evacuation plopped to the ground, and the feint rustle in the leaves seemed to evoke a cruel curiosity in the animal. His ears pricked and his head turned slightly to one side. He held an icy stare, and I am sure I saw the corner of his mouth curl in a snide smile (if you want to really get intimate with fear, try having your genitals exposed to a smiling rabid dog).
I wasn't sure I was going to make it.
A warm mist rose from beneath me, and in a moment of insanity my instinctual fear left me, and I looked dreamily into the biomorphological twists and turns of the steam, seeing faces and animals in a moment of digression. Pretty animals...such pretty faces and animals....animals? a dog is an animal... Oh shit! The dog!
Snapping back to it, I flashed a quick glance into his eyes. It was a bad move, as my glance seemed to him to confirm my utter terror (the 'ancient horror' as a friend of mine so eloquently put it), and he took two steps closer.
There was not time, I was nowhere near finishing, and this imminent beast was about to swallow me whole!
All of a sudden my mind leapt forward to possible scenarios, trying to avoid and block out the worst case. Being in India, an unaccustomned white man in a beautiful apple orchard facing the snow tipped Himalayas, relieving myself, and being attcked by a dog seemed so surreal as to be comical. I thought of myself simultaneously literally and metaphorically shitting myself as I ran tooth and nail through the orchard, stunned villagers looking on in disbelief as I flailed pathetically at the dog with one hand, while trying to pull my trousers over disgrace with the other. The villagers keeling over in explosive laughter, chests heaving spasmodically, unable to help the crazy foreigner in his unfortunate mauling.
What a way to go. It can't end like this, surely, I have dreams, I have a destiny I screamed from within."
I don't want to go into what happened next. It's a bit messy. Let's just say somehow I got out of there safely.
Here's a little story that must be told....
"...On a hot, sunny afternoon, I was prompted to go to the toilet, as happens now and then. Staying on the outskirts of Naggar, a small town in Himmachal Pradesh. Tthe owners of the guest house didn't have a formal toilet as such, but rather pointed to their orchard with expectant looks when I quizzed them on facilities.
I was in desperate need of relief, but just as I had squatted and let the first one go a (gulp!) big, black dog from the neighbouring property began barking fiercely and staggering towards me.
I froze.
He stopped about 10 metres away, and stood with puffed chest, haunches and hind legs stiff and erect in a posture of theatrical aggression. I let out a sigh of relief at his decision to cease the advance, and took the pale and myself (now also quite pale) to a more exposed area to my left.
I eyed the creature cautiously. He looked ready to pounce at any moment, and the tension in my bowels coupled with the tension in the air was almost too much to bear!
A second evacuation plopped to the ground, and the feint rustle in the leaves seemed to evoke a cruel curiosity in the animal. His ears pricked and his head turned slightly to one side. He held an icy stare, and I am sure I saw the corner of his mouth curl in a snide smile (if you want to really get intimate with fear, try having your genitals exposed to a smiling rabid dog).
I wasn't sure I was going to make it.
A warm mist rose from beneath me, and in a moment of insanity my instinctual fear left me, and I looked dreamily into the biomorphological twists and turns of the steam, seeing faces and animals in a moment of digression. Pretty animals...such pretty faces and animals....animals? a dog is an animal... Oh shit! The dog!
There was not time, I was nowhere near finishing, and this imminent beast was about to swallow me whole!
All of a sudden my mind leapt forward to possible scenarios, trying to avoid and block out the worst case. Being in India, an unaccustomned white man in a beautiful apple orchard facing the snow tipped Himalayas, relieving myself, and being attcked by a dog seemed so surreal as to be comical. I thought of myself simultaneously literally and metaphorically shitting myself as I ran tooth and nail through the orchard, stunned villagers looking on in disbelief as I flailed pathetically at the dog with one hand, while trying to pull my trousers over disgrace with the other. The villagers keeling over in explosive laughter, chests heaving spasmodically, unable to help the crazy foreigner in his unfortunate mauling.
What a way to go. It can't end like this, surely, I have dreams, I have a destiny I screamed from within."
I don't want to go into what happened next. It's a bit messy. Let's just say somehow I got out of there safely.
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