pieceofmymindSay Hello To My Little Friend: Mr. Grief
June 27th 2007 10:02
Somewhere inside of me, I believe I could have taken care of my grandmother for the rest of my life and been fine with that. Selfish, yes, I know, but I miss her; it seems that dealing with losing her is more difficult than it was for me to drag myself out of bed every morning at 5:30. I have been reflecting on all the days that I just sat there with her at her house, in her bedroom… and the times that I was concerned about what to do if she passed away while I was there alone; when she actually did make the transition, it was nothing like I thought it might be. Honestly, I think I watch entirely too much television and too many movies because I kept getting a visual that was like a movie scene; you know how movies tend to dramatize the ending moments in someone’s life. Well, it was nothing like that. Actually, it was more like one of those moments where it happens, and you are left standing there like “That’s it?” One moment, she was breathing really fast, almost gasping for air; then in the next moment she started breathing really slow, and then she just stopped breathing. No last words, no gasping, no dramatic gestures. In the final moments, she opened her eyes once and looked right at me, and then she closed them, and just stopped breathing. When she took her last breath, a tear did come out of her left eye; I often wonder if she was crying or if she had dry eye. Is it possible that she was sad to go? The thought of her being sad to go makes me sad. I can’t imagine how that must feel – to have to leave your loved ones when you don’t want to; one day, I may have to feel that way…you too.
I am learning that grieving is a process that doesn’t end overnight. For someone like me, who is used to being more in control of emotional things, it is so much more difficult than I thought it would be. I probably put too much pressure on myself because I am trying to push myself along like “Hey, get it together” when I know I need to just let it happen. I keep praying and praying but yesterday I had to fess up with God that I just don’t know what to do. I really don’t. I have never in my life lost someone so close to me…how in the world do you say goodbye to someone that you love so very much?
When I look back over my life, there is not one moment that I remember that didn’t involve my grandmother. If she wasn’t there, she had something to do with it, and if she didn’t have anything to do with it, I was telling her about it. I lived with her almost my entire life, when you count the times that my mother left her husband and went back home. That was when I was younger. Then, as an adult, when my first marriage ended, I had to move back to my hometown, back in with my grandmother for two years until I got myself together…that was in 2000. I remember sleeping in bed with her and my grandfather as a little girl, I remember how they would get up every morning around 4:30 and have coffee, I remember how the house would always smell so good because she cooked a big pot of greens and ham hocks with cornbread almost every single day…I remember so many things. She bought me my first car, she used to come and take me to the grocery store when I didn’t have one – which was really funny because we would be going along in the grocery store and both of us would have carts. We had so many conversations, and she always told me so many stories about her life, I have memories to cherish forever, but it is hard to have happy memories right now without being sad.
More recent memories of the time we spent together in the last month of her life make me sad. I can’t help but remember seeing her turn into this person who was about to die. Not eating, not drinking, not even in her right mind, but still trying to be independent…I know where I get it from now. I just close my eyes, and I can see her, hear her voice, and if I think hard enough, I swear I can almost smell her; then the tears come. I was there, holding her hand when she took her last breath. I felt her begin to get cold almost instantly. I saw the funeral home workers come into her home, wrap her up in her bed sheets, put her body in a hearse and take her away. I was there for all of that, but even still, it is like I keep realizing that she is gone all over again, and every time, it swooshes over me and I feel like I have to sit down before I faint. She is gone, and she is not coming back.
We had a lot of conversations recently before she died. I told her I was thinking about moving out to Portland, Oregon. She told me that she didn’t want me to go because it would be too much; strangely, I think she was right. She also told me and my mother that she didn’t want us to be crying and stuff when she was gone. I try to honor that request as much as possible, but my heart won’t let me sometimes. Even though I was there with her in her last days, I am telling you, I could think of a million things to tell her right now. You never really know how much you love someone until they are gone. Death is so very final. If you are reading this, please, don’t let those moments when you could be creating memories with your loved ones pass you by. Your heart will ache all the more if you don’t say and do those things that you know you should do before it is too late. Tomorrow is not promised; please don’t take that for granted. Take it from someone with an aching heart who tried to be the best grand-daughter she could be; don’t waste time. Even if you have to come out of your comfort zone, trust me, it will be well worth it. Sacrifice yourself for the ones you love.
I am learning that grieving is a process that doesn’t end overnight. For someone like me, who is used to being more in control of emotional things, it is so much more difficult than I thought it would be. I probably put too much pressure on myself because I am trying to push myself along like “Hey, get it together” when I know I need to just let it happen. I keep praying and praying but yesterday I had to fess up with God that I just don’t know what to do. I really don’t. I have never in my life lost someone so close to me…how in the world do you say goodbye to someone that you love so very much?
Missing You Granny...
When I look back over my life, there is not one moment that I remember that didn’t involve my grandmother. If she wasn’t there, she had something to do with it, and if she didn’t have anything to do with it, I was telling her about it. I lived with her almost my entire life, when you count the times that my mother left her husband and went back home. That was when I was younger. Then, as an adult, when my first marriage ended, I had to move back to my hometown, back in with my grandmother for two years until I got myself together…that was in 2000. I remember sleeping in bed with her and my grandfather as a little girl, I remember how they would get up every morning around 4:30 and have coffee, I remember how the house would always smell so good because she cooked a big pot of greens and ham hocks with cornbread almost every single day…I remember so many things. She bought me my first car, she used to come and take me to the grocery store when I didn’t have one – which was really funny because we would be going along in the grocery store and both of us would have carts. We had so many conversations, and she always told me so many stories about her life, I have memories to cherish forever, but it is hard to have happy memories right now without being sad.
More recent memories of the time we spent together in the last month of her life make me sad. I can’t help but remember seeing her turn into this person who was about to die. Not eating, not drinking, not even in her right mind, but still trying to be independent…I know where I get it from now. I just close my eyes, and I can see her, hear her voice, and if I think hard enough, I swear I can almost smell her; then the tears come. I was there, holding her hand when she took her last breath. I felt her begin to get cold almost instantly. I saw the funeral home workers come into her home, wrap her up in her bed sheets, put her body in a hearse and take her away. I was there for all of that, but even still, it is like I keep realizing that she is gone all over again, and every time, it swooshes over me and I feel like I have to sit down before I faint. She is gone, and she is not coming back.
We had a lot of conversations recently before she died. I told her I was thinking about moving out to Portland, Oregon. She told me that she didn’t want me to go because it would be too much; strangely, I think she was right. She also told me and my mother that she didn’t want us to be crying and stuff when she was gone. I try to honor that request as much as possible, but my heart won’t let me sometimes. Even though I was there with her in her last days, I am telling you, I could think of a million things to tell her right now. You never really know how much you love someone until they are gone. Death is so very final. If you are reading this, please, don’t let those moments when you could be creating memories with your loved ones pass you by. Your heart will ache all the more if you don’t say and do those things that you know you should do before it is too late. Tomorrow is not promised; please don’t take that for granted. Take it from someone with an aching heart who tried to be the best grand-daughter she could be; don’t waste time. Even if you have to come out of your comfort zone, trust me, it will be well worth it. Sacrifice yourself for the ones you love.
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Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
My mother always told me, be good to me while I'm alive, don't worry about me when I'm dead.
It is my belief that when we realise it's time to go most accept that quite peacefully so don't be afraid.
What you learned from your grandmother is everlasting, it will never die. Just be at peace and give yourself time.
We are all born and immediately begin to die, it is inevitable, with some it happens quickly for most they have a long time so your grandmother was well blessed and especially well blessed having you as a granddaughter.
This is a wonderful lesson you have taught us all and a wonderful outflowing of love.
Nothing could be more uplifting.
Your symbolic rose is very beautiful in its simplicity and pure white vase.
I can say no more, I wish I could, may God be with you.
katyzzz
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
Coffee Quip
Your single rose is a poignant headstone. May I add a friendship flower?
Raven
Comment by pieceofmymind
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