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So the Australian MTV Video Music Awards or whatever it was called happened this weekend. Other than stating that it happened, I’m not going to comment on it any further, as it might prove to be a bit difficult as I didn’t watch it. I did see the video montage of what happened through out the night that they screened during the credits of the production, and I only saw this because they aired the repeat on FOX8 and it ran overtime and I was waiting for Futurama to come on Sunday night.
That’s right, I was didn’t give a second thought to watching an episode of a cancelled cartoon that I would have no doubt seen at least 17 times before, but I didn’t give the MTV Australia Music Video whatever awards a chance. At least I was certain I was going to enjoy Futurama, and with that MTV nonsense I could have given them ninety non-refundable minutes of my life and only walked away from the whole debacle knowing if Khole Kardashian is known for any other reason other than that her sister is famous for having a big ass and a sex tape. And quite frankly, I think I already know the answer. Speaking of inexplixably famous people and their sisters, what’s the deal with Mary-Kate Olsen?
Seeing as how yesterday I spent a fair bit of the day on public transport, and I don’t have a mobile phone that can access the internet or make julienne fries, or an mp3 player that I can watch movies that also transforms into a chess opponent, I bought trashy magazines to read. So in this particular trash magazine’s standard article about crazy crap that celebrities do to stay thin, it mentions that caffeine increases your metabolic rate slightly, and that’s probably why you always see famous people drinking coffee. My theory is that for some reason people seem to think you hold some sort of social esteem if you are seen rushing around with a coffee in your hand, particularly if you’re also wearing ridiculously big sunglasses and talking on a cell phone. It’s like the fur coat of Generation Y. Which once again brings me to Mary-Kate Olsen.
So get this: the article first claims that Mary-Kate is camera shy, to the point that the only time people manage to get photos of her is when she’s getting coffee. But think about this: maybe the only photos that exist of Mary-Kate Olsen capture her getting coffee because that’s about all she does.
Here’s the thing about the Olsen twins. According to the findings of my research on the pair, and by this I mean I looked them up on the Internet Movie Database and then quickly correlated this information with bits from Wikipedia, apart from whatever minor acting gigs it is they do, they run a production company called Dualstar, which was started up when the girls were ten, and which they gained full ownership of when they turned 18. However, just because they own the whole damn shop doesn’t mean they have all that much to do with running the till. After all, they were somehow an active part of it from the age of ten. I don’t know about you, but at that age I was fine tuning my culinary skills by making bakery treats out of mud, and thought that it was totally worth spending what little money I had on Spice Girls Collectors Cards because they were definitely going to increase in value once I had the whole set, so I obviously didn’t have much business sense.
But maybe I’m not giving the girls enough credit. Maybe it’s not that the Olsen twins don’t do much more than sit around and drink coffee. Maybe what’s actually going on is the Olsen twins do so much, so fast, in a ninja-stealth kind of manner, their career moves are not visible to the naked eye. Testament to this is the fact that about four years about when I was working at a CD store I received a box of stock that contained not one, not two, but THREE volumes of a greatest hits CD collection released by the Olsen twins. I didn’t know they even had any hits… I didn’t even know that they sang. Well not to the extent that it would warrant them putting together THREE greatest hits albums. Just to put it in perspective, not even the old guys like Bob Dylan and Bruce Springsteen have released massive multi-volume hits collections to this scale.
Even more amazing than the fact that these Olsen twin albums existed, is the fact that we sold all three of them… to separate parties. The Olsen girls must be thanking God, or whatever spiritual body celebrity coffee drinkers worship, for dumb parents that don’t talk to their kids that just walk into retail outlets on their birthdays and say to the girl behind the counter “My kid’s five today, what would he/she want”? And the dumb parents thank me for being an honest face whose just trying to make sure that their kid has a happy birthday and isn’t actually a sales person. And I thank God, or the coffee, or whatever it is that gives the Olsen twins the power to produce such awful products that are somehow profitable to all concerned without even trying. The system rocks \m/
So it seems that some pictures of Miley Cyrus that look like they were taken for adultmatchmaker.com were leaked onto the internet. I will now take the time to answer some FAQ’s concerning this affair.
1. Who is Miley Cyrus?
As far as I know, she’s some random that got her own show on the Disney Channel off the back of the fact that her dad had one hit song in the nineties. My dad caught a 60 kilo fish once, I wonder what Disney would give me for that… a five minute cooking show spot every once and a while perhaps.
2. If she’s Miley Cyrus, then who is Hannah Montana?
I’m lead to believe that Hannah Montana is the character she plays on the show. I also heard somewhere along the line that she’s not Hannah Montana all the time, just when she’s wearing that blonde-toned zebra stripe wig. By that logic, I could also be Hannah Montana, because I have seen that exact same wig on sale at Toys R Us.
3. What’s the big deal about these photos?
Well for starters Cyrus is like 15 or something. But other than that, they’re not all that shocking, even in comparison with photos of fat naked people you’d get in spam emails. The one I saw was just her pulling down her singlet to reveal her bra. I’m not going to post the pictures, one of because of copyright and all that, and two because if you really want to see them you can find them yourself, and then have to live with the fact that you actually made a point of searching for the pictures in question.
4. Isn’t it unfair to chastise her for doing regular stupid teenage girl stuff?
The truth is, if you look at the large percentage of the profiles kept by girls the same age on Myspace, you will see crap loads of pictures in the same vein. It doesn’t justify Cyrus’ actions, nor do her photos justify all the other Myspace style “taken from a high angle face down but looking up at the camera pull my top down so you can see my lacy bra” shots that are all over the place. How do I know about all this? I have a sister about her age, and I know what those girls get up to. Not because my sister is one of those girls, or because she is “in” with those girls, but because they are whoring themselves out on their personal pages, which can easily be found through the linking of friends of friends online.
But the point I’m trying to make is that my sister doesn’t do that sort of crap, and neither do her friends. Nor do my other sister and her friends. And I don’t even have a Myspace, or the patience to be friends with webcam whore types. So if Miley Cyrus doesn’t want to miss out on the apparent teenage right of passage that is being an online prostitute, I’m sure there are 207 other girls waiting in the wings to wear that wig that can keep it in their pants. Hilary Duff held out alright, up until I saw that footage of her from her new movie where she sticks a scorpion down her pants while John Cusack watches with this “what the shit that’s Hilary Duff sticking a scorpion down her pants” kind of look on his face.
5. Why can’t the Disney girls keep it in their pants?
This isn’t the first time this has happened to Cyrus, or a high profile Disney girl for that matter. Remember all this happened with that chick from High School Musical, except it was worse because I think she was actually full on in the nude, and everyone thought that she was going to loose her contract, and then some claimed that she did it intentionally to get out of said contract. But then everyone got over it and she still works for them and they’re still making those movies even though some of those kids would be old enough to be graduating with law degrees. And then there’s Lindsay Lohan… I don’t think that I could blog anything about her that hasn’t already been blogged before.
What gets me about all these girls is when these pictures catch up with them that all use that same “personal use only, no one was ever meant to see them” defence. Here’s the thing; if you’re in the public eye, and you take naked or suggestive photos of yourself, they’re going to end up on the internet. Everyone is going to see them. There’s to doubt about it. A decade ago I would have said that if you’re shooting for stardom, you should avoid these same risky activities, but these days, sex scandals don’t ruin a person’s career, they serve as the platform for it. I guess the trick is to find a balance that suits your career goals in the nude photos of yourself floating about the place. For example, you wouldn’t distribute naked pictures you took of yourself with your mobile phone when you’re famous solely for being the clean cut choir-girl type leading lady in a series of Disney movies. Oh wait…
And last but not least…
6. Why should I care about any of this?
You shouldn’t, but if you’ve made it this far, you obviously do. I just rocked your world.
So I haven’t written a blog entry in a fair while. I figured I was entitled to an unpaid vacation seeing as how I’m not getting paid even when I am contributing to the celebrity trash superhighway. I know when you have an Orble blog you can set up one of those accounts so that you can actually bring in some money for being just another lame wad with a computer and nothing better to do who can string a sentence together, but as of yet I haven’t been bothered to get all of that up and running, because I doubt the twelve cents a week I could potentially be earning would even cover the printing costs of the statements my bank would have to send to me as a result of these vast amounts of wealth accumulating in my account. Besides, if this sort of thing is what I want to do with my life i.e. writing on the internet I should be getting accustomed to the standard salary package i.e. nothing. However, I’m not concerned about how I’ll make ends meet, because apparently I have other bankable qualities. (Note: According to my spell check ‘bankable’ is actually a word. Here I was thinking it only existed in the E! Entertainment Network’s dictionary, next to “cougar tale” and long before “starlicious”.)
I don’t normally mention the boring stuff that happens to me in my day to day life in my writings, as they’re not interesting because I’m not a celebrity. Besides I’m far too busy talking about the boring stuff that happens to celebrities in their day to day life, that for some reason isn’t boring and is actually rather interesting purely because they are celebrities, in the hope that my blog will become some well known that I too will be a celebrity, and then the boring stuff that happens to me becomes interesting, and then I can write about it on my blog, which is about celebrities. And if that plan fails, I can just sell my ass on the internet.
You see, I have several ventures going on about the place, including this blog, all for the sake of earning myself a PAID position working somewhere within the entertainment industry i.e. probably not an internet columnist. I am currently midway through a live production training course in which I am part of a group making a music video for a band trying to make a name for them selves. Despite this fact I’m not going to mention them by name, as I’m trying to remain anonymous through-out my pop culture assault, even though I stupidly registered the account for this blog under my full name, not realising it would be displayed on screen, and I don’t know how to change it.
But what’s in a name? Take for example, the name Kim Kardashian… everyone hears it and thinks to themselves “I know that name… but I don’t know why”. Seriously, why is she famous? How is it possible she is famous? It doesn’t click in the average trash consumer’s head who she is when they hear the name, or even when they see her face. It’s not until they go for the wide shot of her ass that you hear people say “Ah yes!It’s Kim Kardashian, who is famous for having a big ass and a sex tape!”
Just to make sure that Kim Kardashian really does do nothing, I looked up her “Filmography” on the Internet Movie Database. Turns out she was the chick in that Fall Out Boy film clip. You know the one, with the monkeys in it, and the supposedly hot member of the band has to kiss a chick on camera and the monkey tells him that he’s doing it wrong and then demonstrates the proper technique, which is ironic because that guy looks like an ape anyway. But yeah, that chick is Kim Kardashian, and I didn’t even realise, even though I’ve literally seen that clip 57 times. I suspect this was because there was no decent ass shot and hence she was unrecognisable.
Anyway, in the realm of my music video and the group of people which I am working with is that one of the guys allegedly made a comment to one of the other people in the team about how he could make a lot of money if he had an ass like mine, or something along those lines. As of yet I haven’t been offended by this comment, one because this guy is an idiot, and two because I’m still trying to figure out what he meant by it, because to me it sounds like he wants me to be the donor in a butt transplant operation rather than take on the role of my pimp. But if the allegations are true, then I’m destined to go places, as a girl can really make a name for herself when she possesses such assets… ha.
To prove my point I did a little experiment that has absolutely no scientific relevance using a famous online tool, the Google search. First, I searched the words “Pop Rocks”, as in the exploding candy treat which inspired the theme for my blog. It came up with 1 260 000 results, and I couldn’t find my blog within the first ten pages of this collection, even though I use these words on a regular basis. So I narrowed it down a bit, and searched “Pop Rock Factory”, which is the exact name of my site. This search came back with 641 000 results, and I still couldn’t find my blog in the first ten pages.
Then I searched “Kim Kardashian”. I got 8 800 000 results. Then to narrow it down once again, I searched “Kim Kardashian’s ass”. 1 950 000 results. That’s 700 000 more than “Pop Rocks”, a product that first went onto the market in 1975, five years before Ms Kardashian was even born, let alone getting her ass out there. So what I have determined from this intense and credible study is that not only is Kim Kardashian more famous than me, her ass alone is more of a celebrity than I am. Kim Kardashian’s ass may be more famous than her face, but it is also more famous than my face, and most probably yours too. More famous than you’ll ever imagine.
But at the end of the day, I too have a rocking ass (alledgedy). Ahh… money in the bank.
Have you ever noticed that if you’re famous for long enough, you somehow earn the right to speak about subjects that you don’t actually know anything about, that deal with fields that you aren’t actually familiar with?
Take for example, medicine. Someone, somewhere, must have worked out an equation that determines a ratio of how many years you have been famous to how many years you would have spent at an educational institution earning the actual certifications to become a doctor and decided that the effort put into both career paths is about the same and therefore you should come out on the other end with equal rights in the medical field. Vicodin prescriptions for all
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There seems to have been a theme of life imitating art happening this week in my world. You know, my world where I can’t distinguish the difference between poorly scripted drama productions and reality. I’m honestly not being petty here. I’m just genuinely worried that people reading this think that I believe everything I see, hear or read is for real. In the same way that my friend’s elderly grandmother talks about how wonderful a person Victor from “Days of our Lives” is… or is on “The Young and the Restless”? Come to think of it, he might be in both of them. You know who I’m talking about, the guy with the moustache, looks like Magnum P.I.?
The point I’m trying to make is, when it comes to the world of entertainment, nothing is real, and I know that. It’s impossible to find truth in so called entertainment “reporting”, even if you see the same story in five of those hard-hitting magazines they sell at the grocery store check-out with the gum and twin Caramello Bears, as a bulletin report when you sign into your messenger service, or on one of those entertainment “news” shows, and the other “news” show on the same channel that directly follows it which leaves you wondering why that particular network went to the effort to make those two shows when one has nothing unique to offer from the other apart from a different host, possibly only in the beginning stages of anorexia, and therefore not worthy of being seen on the first show that airs that people will actually sit through. Oh, I’m talking about the E! Entertainment network, by the way
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Yeah… Gossip Girl is really stupid.
I have to admit, I don't actually watch the show, but I do watch FOX8, the cable network it airs on. As the result of intense surveying of the network, by which I mean I was unemployed and sitting on my ass for a fair while, I have determined that there's only one type of program Fox does well, and that's cartoons
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So, the Oscar’s happened. I was going to write about it the day after it happened, but I was too freaking tired because I stayed up to all hours watching the freaking Oscars. But hey, a blogger took home Best Original Screenplay, so I will persevere. Until I reach that level of success I’ll just have to keep myself amused with my collection of things that look like Oscars.
Multi-award winner...
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So, this year's Oscars are upon us, and trash TV has gone into over drive in order to feed the false idol frenzy, with each individual program airing exclusive insider specials and stories that you won’t see anywhere else, especially not on the show that airs immediately after the one you just endured on that same network that seems awfully similar to the one that proceeded it, regarding the event.
However, if you by some bizarre chance decide to actually take time out of your day to sit down and pay attention to these shows, perhaps because you want to see biographical showcases detailing the lifetime achievements of the nominees, or maybe because you want to know more about how the writer's strike came to an end and how this whole debacle affected the awards, you should have known better. Entertainment television isn't usually all that concerned with entertainment in this sense. If you were looking for this kind of credible information that actually serves a purpose, you'd have to... in fact I don't even know where you would source it from. The way I do things is I take in everything from all different sources, and then use my own personal discretion to filter out the crap. (Disclaimer: Do not try this at home, I am a trained professional)
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Despite this year’s Grammy awards were first broadcast about a week ago, I am only watching them for the first time now on this lazy Sunday evening. To say that I am really paying all that much attention would be an outright lie. Ordinarily I am all about the worship of false celebrity, but I don’t care about the Grammy’s right now for the same reason that I didn’t care about them when they were live a week ago. The reason for that is…I simply don’t care.
So while they are approaching the twenty minute mark of their Broadway style interpretive dance salute to the Beatles (I think that I what’s going on, it’s hard to see when you’ve got your back turned to the television) I thought I’d take a moment to comment on something that I do care about, and that something is fashion victims. Hell, if the opinions of the ugly guy from N*SYNC and some hag from Melrose Place matter, I don’t see any reason why mine shouldn’t be taken as gospel
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Well they are. And I can say that because I'm a woman... or something. One thing you will come to realise about me is that if there's a group of people I don't care about pissing off, it's feminists. Hopefully if by some bizarre occurence a feminist does read the title of my post, they won't get past the first word, as they'll be all stirred up about the fact that I spelt "women" wrong... you know, without a "Y"...
Enough negative energy. In the spirit of spelling easy words wrong
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