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... It's been a mere 2 years or so since my last post. I figured I'd see if anyone was actually out there still actually reading or getting this emailed to them and surprise the FUCK out of them - so... SURPRISE. Here's an article I wrote about Avatar when I saw it a month or so ago.
So yeah - Avatar. It was ok. with something that has had as much money spent on it as this film has, of course there is going to be a shitload of hyperbole out there about it. So I'll save the ranting about the hackneyed plot, the hamfisted attmepts to introduce 'deep' themes (for example one of the lines runs something along the lines of 'you find some people sitting on something you want, so you just declare war on them' HOW INSIGHTFUL.) anyway, after seeing the film i was underwhelmed.
Ok, so it looks great. In fact, this is the first film EVER to cause me to feel something close to respect for CG. The reason for this is not because of the technological wizardry, but more because it seems the geeks that do this are FINALLY starting to learn that 'realistic' doesnt actually mean making the bird do a triple-summy with a 3/4gainer and having sunlight glinting flawlessly off every single individually-moving feather, instead of just doing a dive. 'Real' birds just fucking point their beaks at the ground and dive.
Get it???
The guys that did Avatar seem to be close to seeing that important point. Anyway, I was underwhelmed by the film for a few reasons. Some of which are (aside from being a rip-off of Fern Gully):
- It really is a missed opportunity to finally have a film that incorporates CG into a decent plot, and not just masturbate about technology. If James Cameron had've spent 1% of the CG budget on some decent writing talent, this likely would have been one of the best films ever.
- 'unobtanium' is not only a totally shithouse name for the plot device, but its a really dumbass device. the biotech the iraqis, sorry i mean space-elves, had that enabled them to link into everything on the planet seems to me to be a WAY more valuable resource than some mineral.
- The Iraqis - sorry, i mean mean nightelves, sorry i mean furry-porn, sorry i mean Na'Vi (or whatever) are just dull. There is no reason to like them. Theyre TOO noble, TOO good - they have no flaws. there is nothing to empathise with.
- the hamfisted way cameron jams white middle-class guilt about iraq and the topic-du-jour, the environment, down our throats. why cant we just have a fun movie, without your simplistic, poorly written agenda foisted upon us? With every passing year I long for the 80s more, when films could just be about some dude who gets embroiled in some 1000-year old chinese wizards attempt to take over the world and kicks his ancient ass, without stopping to ponder in cringeworthy moronic dialogue about the condition of man.
- while the CG was the first CG ive ever thought worthwhile and really well done, the actual concept art was lackluster. whats that - oh a flying lizard/dinosaur thing with FOUR wings! wow, way to push the envelope there. the ONLY creature that was an interesting concept were those little 'spinning top' flying lizards. pretty much every other piece of art as a concept was as hackneyed as the shithouse plot.
The movie was enjoyable. I was glad i saw it in 3D. I would not and never will see it on small screens. Though an interesting thing i felt was that James Cameron has put a bit of a message out there to actors, in general. What I got from this is the sense that the days of mega-star actors are coming to a close. When we can animate our actors so convincingly life-like, we just need voice talent. Sure, people love celebrity, but I really feel the direction taken here with regards to the genuinely life-like facial expressions and movements and speech mannerisms will be looked back upon in later years as an early point in the fading importance of 'superstar' actors.
Basically, Avatar is a $300 million high-quality computer-game cutscene. I look forward to the day when someone manages to use this fairly impressive tech to make an actually engaging, fun, and possibly even touching film.
--- update: someone has actually made this film, and it's called District 9. If you hide under rocks like me and haven't seen is - go see District 9 - its Avatar, but good.
... It's been a mere 2 years or so since my last post. I figured I'd see if anyone was actually out there still actually reading or getting this emailed to them and surprise the FUCK out of them - so... SURPRISE. Here's an article I wrote about Avatar when I saw it a month or so ago.
So yeah - Avatar. It was ok. with something that has had as much money spent on it as this film has, of course there is going to be a shitload of hyperbole out there about it. So I'll save the ranting about the hackneyed plot, the hamfisted attmepts to introduce 'deep' themes (for example one of the lines runs something along the lines of 'you find some people sitting on something you want, so you just declare war on them' HOW INSIGHTFUL.) anyway, after seeing the film i was underwhelmed.
Ok, so it looks great. In fact, this is the first film EVER to cause me to feel something close to respect for CG. The reason for this is not because of the technological wizardry, but more because it seems the geeks that do this are FINALLY starting to learn that 'realistic' doesnt actually mean making the bird do a triple-summy with a 3/4gainer and having sunlight glinting flawlessly off every single individually-moving feather, instead of just doing a dive. 'Real' birds just fucking point their beaks at the ground and dive.
Get it???
The guys that did Avatar seem to be close to seeing that important point. Anyway, I was underwhelmed by the film for a few reasons. Some of which are (aside from being a rip-off of Fern Gully):
- It really is a missed opportunity to finally have a film that incorporates CG into a decent plot, and not just masturbate about technology. If James Cameron had've spent 1% of the CG budget on some decent writing talent, this likely would have been one of the best films ever.
- 'unobtanium' is not only a totally shithouse name for the plot device, but its a really dumbass device. the biotech the iraqis, sorry i mean space-elves, had that enabled them to link into everything on the planet seems to me to be a WAY more valuable resource than some mineral.
- The Iraqis - sorry, i mean mean nightelves, sorry i mean furry-porn, sorry i mean Na'Vi (or whatever) are just dull. There is no reason to like them. Theyre TOO noble, TOO good - they have no flaws. there is nothing to empathise with.
- the hamfisted way cameron jams white middle-class guilt about iraq and the topic-du-jour, the environment, down our throats. why cant we just have a fun movie, without your simplistic, poorly written agenda foisted upon us? With every passing year I long for the 80s more, when films could just be about some dude who gets embroiled in some 1000-year old chinese wizards attempt to take over the world and kicks his ancient ass, without stopping to ponder in cringeworthy moronic dialogue about the condition of man.
- while the CG was the first CG ive ever thought worthwhile and really well done, the actual concept art was lackluster. whats that - oh a flying lizard/dinosaur thing with FOUR wings! wow, way to push the envelope there. the ONLY creature that was an interesting concept were those little 'spinning top' flying lizards. pretty much every other piece of art as a concept was as hackneyed as the shithouse plot.
The movie was enjoyable. I was glad i saw it in 3D. I would not and never will see it on small screens. Though an interesting thing i felt was that James Cameron has put a bit of a message out there to actors, in general. What I got from this is the sense that the days of mega-star actors are coming to a close. When we can animate our actors so convincingly life-like, we just need voice talent. Sure, people love celebrity, but I really feel the direction taken here with regards to the genuinely life-like facial expressions and movements and speech mannerisms will be looked back upon in later years as an early point in the fading importance of 'superstar' actors.
Basically, Avatar is a $300 million high-quality computer-game cutscene. I look forward to the day when someone manages to use this fairly impressive tech to make an actually engaging, fun, and possibly even touching film.
--- update: someone has actually made this film, and it's called District 9. If you hide under rocks like me and haven't seen is - go see District 9 - its Avatar, but good.
"Ninja Scroll" is an anime. That is, it is an animated film, drawn in the distinctive japanese 'Manga' style. It also rules.
It is about a dude called Jubei Kibagami. He is a ronin. He wanders around kicking all kinds of ass, when he stumbles into the plot of this film. Basically, there is a shadowy group of people undertaking a plot to take over the government. This group is led by someone who goes by the name of 'The Shogun of the Dark'. The Shogun has in his employ a metric shitload of ninja, as well as 8 supervillains - the 'Eight Devils of Kimone'. Each of these 'Eight Devils' has magic powers. However, these magic powers aren't quite enough to save them from being shit all over by Jubei.
Jubei fucking rules.
Anyway these are the eight devils:
Tessai: A fucking huge dude, whose body is covered in a stone skin, has enormous strength and this horrible glaive-like weapon that is, at last calculation, responsible for about 63% of the gore in this film. Jubei first comes across him when he stumbles into the freak's hut to ask for directions. Unfortunately for Tessai, he was just about to slip some unwanted stony cock into this chick when Jubei butted in (for those sick fucks out there who get off on this, this bit is the seemingly mandatory in anime demon-porn bit.) Understandably, Tessai gets the shits and tries to fuck Jubei up.
Needless to say, Jubei ruins his shit.
The chick turns out to be a major character, having been captured after her entire team of ninja buddies, the Koga Ninja Team (a fucking cool name) get wiped out to a man by Tessai. Her name is Kagero, and she has an astonishing array for bizarre and conviently useful powers, as will be shown later.
Benisato. She is this chick who can control snakes. She even hides one in her vaj. She almost hypnotises and kills Jubei, but he is awoken from her spell at the last moment by this irritating old guy who chucks a ninja star into Jubei's arm at the last moment. Anyway, she dies.
Interestingly, the old guy is also a major character, and the ninja star he hit Jubei with was coated witha deadly poison. Gee, thanks old guy. Why don't you stick your dick in my mother, while you're at it? His name is Dakuan and he is a government spy who is trying to find out who the Shogun is, so he can stop the insurrection. He coerces Jubei into helping him, by offering him gold, and oh, yeah, the antidote for that deadly poison he hit Jubei with.
Next, Jubei beats the shit out of Mujuro. Mujuro is a blind swordsman. Well, ths isn't Jubei's finest moment, as he not only stoops to beating up on an invalid, he gets a girl to help him do it. Either way, at this point of the film it's Jubei 3, bad guys 0 (well, actually, it's kinda more like Jubei 2, bad guys -1, as Benisato got killed by one of the others for failing twice in one day. way to team kill, douchebag).
Next we have Mushizo. Mushizo can control wasps, and also has a hive in his back. No, not a skin condition, an actual wasp hive situated inside his back. He gets owned when Jubei cuts his leg off and makes him fall into some water. The water understandably makes the wasps currently chilling near his left kidney kinda pissed and they bust free of their waterlogged prison, killing him in the process. It turns out during this fight that Kagero has this mysterious power to make petals fly out from her armpits, which has the affect of making pesky Giant Killer Wasp Swarms That Are Controlled By Sinister Bad Guys become anaethesitised. Phew, that was lucky!
Moving on, I can't remember exactly the order of Jubei's next victims, but he also kills this insane bitch called Zakuro who can make shit blow up. I'm pretty sure she blows up. Irony's a bitch. He also kills this ultimate ninja called Shijima. Shijima manages to give Kagero some finger action before he bites it, so I guess he did ok. He still dies though. Last of the ordinary devils, Jubei kills Yurimaru. Yurimaru is a faggot who wants to be Jake in an amateur production of Brokeback with Gema, the leader of the Devils. As I said, he's literally a fag and as such deserves to face the wrath of god for his blasphemy.
Ok, so Jubei kills all the Devils, then he has this huge fight with about 38,000 ninjas who were stowing all this gold on board this massive ship. Apparently, the gold is to fund the Shogun's army. Who gives a fuck, because Jubei goes to work on all these ninjas and kill so many I couldn't even count (I tried. Four times). Strangely, at the start of the fight, the baddies just give him motivation by killing Kagero, who he had oddly developed feelings for, even though she's seen more demon cock than my bastard next-door-neighbour's mother, and I don't think even Jubei can compete with demon cock. She'd have to be utterly cavernous. Regardless, this gives him the total fucking shits and he goes beserk.
To reiterate, Jubei Fucking Rules.
So he kills the ninja and gets on the boat. Oh, by the way, Kagero managed to live long enough for the fight to end, so they could do the death dialogue, where she tells him that the old man informed her that her kiss is the antidote to Jubei's poison. See, the thing is, Kagero has this weird affliction where anyone who kisses or fucks her dies from poison. Should I have mentioned this sooner? Yeah well, whatever, they kiss and Jubei is cured. He gets on the boat, and antagonises the insane blowing-up-stuff chick to self-detonate, which sets the wooden boat on fire and melts all the gold in the hold. This is where Jubei fights the last Devil:
Gema. Gema was Jubei's arch-nemesis before he signed up to be the leader of the devils. Gema tried fuck with Jubei, so Jubei cut off his head, and killed an entire clan. An entire clan.
Jubei Fucking Rules.
Anyway, unfortunately for Jubei, Gema learned this useful little trick that allows him to regenerate his body, even his severed head. Jubei and he have a fucking brutal fight which involes Jubei taking Gema down for the first time, by headbutting Gema's head repeatedly until he drives it THROUGH THE FLOOR and smooshes it all up, in an attack known forevermore as the 'Jubei'. It is my fervent wish to one day Jubei someone. Just as Jubei is making his escape from the burning, sinking hold of the ship, Gema leaps up out of the inexplicale golden river that is flowing along the bottom of the ship and grabs Jubei's foot. Jubei cuts off his hand and sends Gema, coated in gold, to the bottom of the deep, deep lake.
Regenerate that one off, motherfucker.
So Jubei saves the day, manages to get the easy chick and kills a fuckload of guys doing it, in incredibly gory ways. It was while watching this for the first time that I and a friend coined the term 'Manga Blood'. 'Manga Blood' is when there is such an obscene amount of blood that it becomes hilarious. Like in that scene in 'Kill Bill I' where Lucy Liu cuts that dudes head off, and there is a veritable geyser of blood - that's Manga Blood.
This movie, as the title says, Owns You, and will do so for the rest of your life, no matter what you do, where you go, or how successful you are at doing it. If you haven't seen it, there is a portion of your soul that is empty, and can only be filled by watching this film.
Out of 5 stars, I give it 87.
let me preface this with the statement that i am in no way prejudiced against people afflicted with down syndrome. this post is merely the relating of an event i witnessed, that happened to involve some peole with down syndrome. ah, fuck it, if youre the type to get all righteous and pissed off because ive written a story involving people with down syndrome that doesnt have them curing cancer or conquering everest, then you probably arent going to read most of what im writing anyway, youll just see the words 'down syndrome' and a lack of the words 'courageous' or 'overcoming', and that ole knee will start to jerk again. so forget a disclaimer, fuck you, give me your compassionate -2s and lecture me on these brave and wonderful people, thats right, exclude them further with your lavish praise for even the most mundane and simple of tasks, trivialise their very existence with your compassionate demand to shelter them from experiencing life on their own terms, and only from the apron strings of your charity.
ok rant ends, story begins. i promise. right after i tell these do-gooder, bleeding heart fuckwits that they can take their compassion, and their lack of sense of humour and jam it right up their arses. hopefully itll turn into an extra chromosome and then theyll get to see how brave and wonderful they feel when everyone speaks to, and treats them like a complete fucking moron because of it. phew. ok. got it out
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"Mumble grrfl garble burgle pretty good theory, ay?" he said to me. He was white-eyed, ratty-dressed, short and something about him said 'concealed weapon'. I got a picture in my head of him being infurated by a noncommittal raised eyebrow in response to his outburst epiphany on this crowded train and spraying indescriminate retribution into all and sundry nearby.
I raised my eyebrows noncommittally and hoped for the best. The woman between us looked like she could make a very handy bullet shield should the need arise. A thousand action films informed me I could dart around her flailing corpse and be at the guy's side, heroically wresting the pistol from his shaky, sweaty grasp in nanoseconds
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What a bunch of total bullshit.
I keep running across articles in newspapers and magazines going on and on about how kids today are just so much smarter and more sophisticated than we were. For example, I read an article jsut the other day that was going on about how kids are right into money now, and how when they get money the spend it on far more sophisiticated things than bikes and shit like we did - they buy playstations and i-pods and other technological gadgets. This article used this as its evidence to make the claim that kids now are more sophisticated - they don't buy pushbikes and footballs - they buy electronics
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Tara Reid is the blonde chick from the first 'American Pie' film, in case you've forgotten who she was.
"Was" being the operative word. Since then, I can't think of a single film she has done, nor anything at all, besides be a handbag for whichever guy is hot that week at whatever club is hot that week
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Apparently it takes less than two months to grow a decent-sized, edible chicken nowadays. Though we don't actually use "Hormones" to grow our chickens, we still use growth-enhancing anit-biotics that enhance the size of and the growth speed of our chickens. The chicken you see in teh shops labelled 'Hormone Free!' is actually marketing preying upon the widespread misapprehension that they use hormones to grow these freakish birds. Again, like pretty much anything to do with marketing it falls juuuust short of being a lie.
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The phone rang for the ninth time. With a sigh, Jackson picked up the receiver and put it to his ear, a look of resignation on his face.
"Jackson speaking
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Comment by Samuel
on For the love of God, PLEASE stop naming your children Jackson
Barely Legal Alien