Robert Palmer

UNITED STATES


Joined December 19th 2008

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I’m generally not a big fan of movie remakes. If the movie good to begin with, like The Italian Job or the Poseidon Adventure, then what’s to be gained from cheapening it, watering it down, and adding a surprise ”twists?” If the movie was bad to begin with, like George Romero’s Dawn of the Dead, then the movie should be locked away in a vault, buried deep in the earth, and never spoken of again.

This dislike I harbor is doubled when the movie being remade is an Asian film. Chinese and Japanese filmmakers have a unique sensibility that just cannot be replicated by their western counterparts. With a wave of Asian horror remakes flooding the American market, it was only a matter of time before the Asian action market was targeted by the greedy no talent hacks in Hollywood. There have been some doozies out there.

Fortunately, Bangkok Dangerous escaped that torture by being remade by remade by the people who made it in the first place, the Pang brothers.

The movie is a high action story about a troubled assassin who’s struggling with employers who double cross him and his own internal demons. He’s sent to Bangkok to kill four people and sees the big paycheck he’s got coming as his ticket out of the business. Unfortunately, he breaks his own rules and lets his emotional guard down taking a promising young student, Kong, under his wing and falling in love with a beautiful deaf girl named Charlie Young (played coincidentally as Charlie Yeung.)

The script is pretty solid, the performances are top drawer stuff, and the locations are simply amazing. The only thing that detracts from the movie is Nicholas Cage’s hair plugs! And if they aren’t plugs they sure look like them. Seems strange that with all of the special effects technology available to movie makers nowadays that they can’t find a decent wig to fit Nicholas Cage’s head.

I spent an hour and a half wishing Mr. Cage would just shave his head. I mean, even if he has a grotesque melon head or some hideous scar or something it would be better than having his hair detract from a movie. How bad is that, his hair actually took my attention away from the action?

While I was hoping that he would get together with the deaf woman (the actress is extremely good looking and her character possesses that enticing vulnerability that very few American actresses can muster) but the ending of the movie is far from happy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not apposed to a movie having an emotional, sad, or downright depressing ending if it fits but Bangkok Dangerous led me to believe there would at least be some light at the end of the tunnel. There wasn’t and I don’t think there will be until Nicholas Cage decides to man up and either shave his head or join the hair club for men!
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Will Joan and John Cusack be able to recapture the comic chemistry they brought to the cult hit Gross Point Blank back in the day? That was the question I asked myself when I was browsing through my local Red Box the other day and stumbled across War Inc. The descriptive text attached to the movie portrayed Cusack as a brooding, morally corrupt, but ultimately loveable (because isn’t he always?) Hitman sent to some vaguely familiar central Asian country to assassinate Omar Sharif—no, not the actor.

I actually believed his character in Grosse Point Blank and there’s just something strange that happens when he and his sister share the screen together. It’s akin to what Charlie sheen and Emilio Estevez had back in the day before Emilio got all chubby and Charlie went all sleazy/cool. It’s almost as if the two can read each other’s minds and feed off the quirky energy each of them is giving off. If real life were an episode of Star Trek, I would say that perhaps the two Cusacks were actually halves of the same being but, alas, it is not.

After a few seconds of hesitation, I decided it didn’t really matter. I’d watch pretty much anything Mr. Cusack was in, he’s been one of my fav’s for a long time and though his career seems to be starting down that slippery slope into anonymity, I will watch him until the bitter end.

That said, the movie itself is actually quite funny. It’s obviously low budget. The special effects are cheesy, and there are a few instances where it tries to take itself seriously and just doesn’t quite work but overall it was worth the rental. Granted Red Box rentals are only a dollar and some change but I had the movie for four days.

The description really didn’t match the movie at all. Cusack does play a hitman (morally challenged and constantly drowning his dilemmas in hot sauce shooters) and there are a couple of cool scenes in between he credits where he kicks some serious behind but overall it’s more about the commercialization of modern warfare, the privatization of armies, and the seemingly bottomless quagmire of an impossible-to-win war. Now that you mention it, Turakistan (the fictional country that plays host to Cusack and his power-mad overlord—Ben Kingsley) does look a lot like Iraq and Afghanistan—funny I didn’t notice it before!

The cast is a motley crew to be sure; the two Cusack’s, Mr. Kingsley, Dan Akroyd, Montell Williams, and Hillary Duff. Yes, Hillary Duff. She’s plays Cusack’s long lost daughter who’s been pimped out and turned into the mid-Asian pop princess equivalent of Hannah Montana complete with skanky little outfits and a frightful singing voice! I guess she didn’t have to stretch too hard to fit into the role. The only thing mentioning about her character is that her crappy fake accent nearly made my ears bleed.

The movie’s plot plays out like giant pile of potentially funny skits mashed together with ham-handed delicacy that deadens whatever redeeming value the whole product may have had. There’s a few laughs, a few cool action sequences, a bunch of bad singing and worse acting, and a pile of cast members that will hopefully never get another acting job—at least not until they learn the craft a little more.

But, like I said, it’s got the Cusacks so I watched it and I liked it. I have a feeling I may be the only one.
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Two months ago I was working for a Japan-based website and stumbled across the story of project Aiko. It's the story of lonely Canadian robotics expert Le Trung that had turned his basement hobby into something out of a Mary Shelly novel.

It seems what started out as a well-meaning project with the goal of it a robot assistant to help his aging grandmother cook, clean, read the newspaper, and other menial chores around the house has turned into a full-on gem-bot. Aiko can see, hear, and feel like a real woman. She can recognize faces and respond correctly to stimuli such as a slap or inappropriate groping.

If that last bit wasn't weird enough for you, Trans demo video on YouTube features him grabbing Aiko's breast--to which she responds with disgust. Members of the press have latched onto the creepy vibe that Trung's project radiates and when one wise reporter asked if Aiko would ever be fully functional--wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more--Trung said that with a few modifications to her programming Aiko could be made to simulate orgasm.

What has the world come to when a project designed to help the elderly and infirm can degenerate into a sex-slave style girl robot? Still, it's kinda cool, don't you think? If only Trent could get some serious funding and get his project back on track.

Check out www.projectaiko.com for more about her.

Check out www.therealrobertpalmer.com for more about me.
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Your text goes hereYour text goes hereBorn of the eighties, weened on sci-fi classics and campy comic romps with greats like Dan Akroyd, John Candy, and yes even chevy chase (because he was actually funny once) you might find my point of view a little skewed. If you do, you're probably one of the energy drink-swilling, my-thumbs-hurt-from-texting-too-much, hoodie wearing brats who thinks that the music videos on MTV are too long when you can actually here the last chorus of a song! That's okay. I don't discriminate. No, really. I'm just here to show you what is actually good in the cinema and what just pretends to be. So take heed, tune in and you might learn something over the next few weeks and months.

Robert
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