Reverting to old ways is easier than not
January 9th 2007 03:38
I cant sleep.. actually I probably could if I layed down to relax. Im just feeling good right now, and I want to make the most of it while it lasts.
The past few months have been crazy unable to handle anything havent been in control Ive felt so lost..
Its like..
Im in a crowded space with tall walls and a closed roof there are no doors nor anyway out, a dence fog is slowly suffocating me second by second I hold my breathe to save my sober state I dont want to inhale the poison. But I get light headed.. then everything goes black in my eyes, like when you get up to quick and everything goes black, though this darkness lasts.. you start to feel your way along the stone walls cold stone walls.. until you cant feel anymore, everything is numb. You cant see nor feel nor breath you start to feel dizzy.. until now you can no longer hear only a high pitched pinging noise driving you to want to just sleep.. be sedated so you dont have to go through this anymore, comerized to forget this torture. You know what you want to do, what you have to do to put everything right but to do that is wrong, but to you its right. so.. you do it!
So obviously I did what I knew would relieve me.
Suddenly everything feels warm, something is whispering, I can hear again! I start to hear her thoughts her reassuring words her touch, her aura is surrounding me. She's telling me what I did was right. Dropping my defences Im crumbling into her arms. 'Mia' understands, Mia knows why I do this, Mia helps me to regain complete control. Mia helps me to be strong again. When Im down and out shes always there, with a sympathetic ear. She picks me up.
She promises not to leave again, please dont leave again. I need her she helps me.
Yes Ive reverted to old ways, those who love me have said its weak to have done so but to me its not. Im in control again I make the decisions again, I can control what my body does and doesnt go through.
The past few months have been crazy unable to handle anything havent been in control Ive felt so lost..
Its like..
Im in a crowded space with tall walls and a closed roof there are no doors nor anyway out, a dence fog is slowly suffocating me second by second I hold my breathe to save my sober state I dont want to inhale the poison. But I get light headed.. then everything goes black in my eyes, like when you get up to quick and everything goes black, though this darkness lasts.. you start to feel your way along the stone walls cold stone walls.. until you cant feel anymore, everything is numb. You cant see nor feel nor breath you start to feel dizzy.. until now you can no longer hear only a high pitched pinging noise driving you to want to just sleep.. be sedated so you dont have to go through this anymore, comerized to forget this torture. You know what you want to do, what you have to do to put everything right but to do that is wrong, but to you its right. so.. you do it!
Suddenly everything feels warm, something is whispering, I can hear again! I start to hear her thoughts her reassuring words her touch, her aura is surrounding me. She's telling me what I did was right. Dropping my defences Im crumbling into her arms. 'Mia' understands, Mia knows why I do this, Mia helps me to regain complete control. Mia helps me to be strong again. When Im down and out shes always there, with a sympathetic ear. She picks me up.
She promises not to leave again, please dont leave again. I need her she helps me.
Yes Ive reverted to old ways, those who love me have said its weak to have done so but to me its not. Im in control again I make the decisions again, I can control what my body does and doesnt go through.
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Comment by Anonymous
everything that is wrong and corrupt attacks yu, crushes yu, torments yu, pushes yu towards your one relief.
once yu cercum to that one relief. the redlight flickers. the pinging stops. yu can breathe, yu can feel. your yu. everything else just fades away, the darkness is gone.
and then yu go back to living.
Comment by pegasus
Poker Addict
I wish you strength to fight and to be healthy.
I know it seems like you're in control but, really, you're not.
Is there someone you can talk to?