Restless...
That's what I've been the past... oh, for the longest time. Restless.
Literally and figuratively.
My week starts, I wake up, go to work -- go home, make dinner, chat a bit with my son and struggle getting him to take a bath and go to bed. I sleep and the cycle goes again.
Week ends and I barely have any idea where it goes. Yes, I go out with friends or my sister and her boyfriend for a movie -- but they all seem like ... going through the motions.
Empty.
I'm always tired.
At work, I, well... work. At the middle of the day, I start drifting off, wishing I could go home a little early so I can rest a bit - but that obviously doesn't happen. I get home around 6pm and the dinner, bath, talk/chat and sleep routine goes on until it's 10 or 11pm already without me noticing or knowing where time went.
At home on weekends, I always "plan" on sleeping in, but guess what? It doesn't happen. My body wakes me up after 6 hours (or less) of sleep and no matter how much I try to, I just can't go back to sleep.
I'm always thinking. Thinking of things to do at work (when I'm home), and errands that need to get done (when I'm at work). My mind is NEVER in the right place lately and although, yes, I am accomplishing tasks, they're so empty and they don't feel right. something's missing.
When I do get to go out for a breather at work, I stay at the local Starbucks to just literally breathe. Even there, I can't seem to just sit down and breathe. My mind thinks of things to do or things that needs to get done. Work, errands, my son's school, his birthday, bills - anything and everything!
When I get just too darn tired of my day, I end up getting all sentimental or emotional. I cry too easily lately. I watch movies and any, and I mean ANY hint of a touching story - I effin' cry!
Partly, I admit -- I am lonely. I've got my son - that's what everybody tells me. But let me tell you something, it's human nature to still want to be with somebody. To have somebody to talk to, go home to someone at the end of a tiring day.
A son, especially a 6-year old, is not that somebody. To make matters worse, this is the age they start challenging you and questioning everything you tell them or ask them to do. My six year old is no longer a gullible little baby boy he's got a mind of his own and a very strong will and reason.
Every now and then I'm tempted to call, text or email my estranged husband and just blame him. Yell at him. Hate him for how my life's turned out. Then something just reminds me that my life actually has turned out better than if I stayed with him after all that's happened.
It's the loneliness I just can't cope with. I pity myself sometimes. I feel sorry for my sorry self who, for the past TWO years, have had NONE - not ONE - date, or anything close to it at all! I know dating isn't going to be the answer to my loneliness, but it sure will take my mind off the thought that this is how I'm going to grow old.
I guess, having had a glimpse of how it is to be a wife to a once wonderful husband. To have that someone to help you around the house. To have somebody give you a hug out of nowhere and for no reason at all.
I used to wake up weekends with breakfast in bed, or to laughters from my two boys. I used to be excited to go home because I can share my day with someone. I used to LOVE to cook and bake because someone always appreciated them. Now, I cook for my son and I and it's not the same. Someone used to share my thoughts, my music, books, movies...
I miss it. I miss the times when you're doing different things, you're not talking or not even looking at each other - yet everything feels right. everything feels light. I miss being special... feeling special because one person reveres you. adores you. I miss smiles that warm you up like wonderful sunshine in the fall. I miss sharing dreams and goals with. I miss driving with no destination. I miss food trips and road trips and both!
I miss it... I miss all of this and more... but I don't miss you. no, not at all.
Literally and figuratively.
My week starts, I wake up, go to work -- go home, make dinner, chat a bit with my son and struggle getting him to take a bath and go to bed. I sleep and the cycle goes again.
Week ends and I barely have any idea where it goes. Yes, I go out with friends or my sister and her boyfriend for a movie -- but they all seem like ... going through the motions.
Empty.
I'm always tired.
At work, I, well... work. At the middle of the day, I start drifting off, wishing I could go home a little early so I can rest a bit - but that obviously doesn't happen. I get home around 6pm and the dinner, bath, talk/chat and sleep routine goes on until it's 10 or 11pm already without me noticing or knowing where time went.
At home on weekends, I always "plan" on sleeping in, but guess what? It doesn't happen. My body wakes me up after 6 hours (or less) of sleep and no matter how much I try to, I just can't go back to sleep.
I'm always thinking. Thinking of things to do at work (when I'm home), and errands that need to get done (when I'm at work). My mind is NEVER in the right place lately and although, yes, I am accomplishing tasks, they're so empty and they don't feel right. something's missing.
When I do get to go out for a breather at work, I stay at the local Starbucks to just literally breathe. Even there, I can't seem to just sit down and breathe. My mind thinks of things to do or things that needs to get done. Work, errands, my son's school, his birthday, bills - anything and everything!
When I get just too darn tired of my day, I end up getting all sentimental or emotional. I cry too easily lately. I watch movies and any, and I mean ANY hint of a touching story - I effin' cry!
Partly, I admit -- I am lonely. I've got my son - that's what everybody tells me. But let me tell you something, it's human nature to still want to be with somebody. To have somebody to talk to, go home to someone at the end of a tiring day.
A son, especially a 6-year old, is not that somebody. To make matters worse, this is the age they start challenging you and questioning everything you tell them or ask them to do. My six year old is no longer a gullible little baby boy he's got a mind of his own and a very strong will and reason.
Every now and then I'm tempted to call, text or email my estranged husband and just blame him. Yell at him. Hate him for how my life's turned out. Then something just reminds me that my life actually has turned out better than if I stayed with him after all that's happened.
It's the loneliness I just can't cope with. I pity myself sometimes. I feel sorry for my sorry self who, for the past TWO years, have had NONE - not ONE - date, or anything close to it at all! I know dating isn't going to be the answer to my loneliness, but it sure will take my mind off the thought that this is how I'm going to grow old.
I guess, having had a glimpse of how it is to be a wife to a once wonderful husband. To have that someone to help you around the house. To have somebody give you a hug out of nowhere and for no reason at all.
I used to wake up weekends with breakfast in bed, or to laughters from my two boys. I used to be excited to go home because I can share my day with someone. I used to LOVE to cook and bake because someone always appreciated them. Now, I cook for my son and I and it's not the same. Someone used to share my thoughts, my music, books, movies...
I miss it. I miss the times when you're doing different things, you're not talking or not even looking at each other - yet everything feels right. everything feels light. I miss being special... feeling special because one person reveres you. adores you. I miss smiles that warm you up like wonderful sunshine in the fall. I miss sharing dreams and goals with. I miss driving with no destination. I miss food trips and road trips and both!
I miss it... I miss all of this and more... but I don't miss you. no, not at all.
