The amount of my time that went into buying an i-pod and getting it to work
1260 minutes working to make money.
120 minutes walking to and from work.
9 minutes walking to and from tram stops.
23 minutes waiting for trams.
48 minutes on trams. Cost of tram ticket: $3.10 (although I didn’t actually buy one).
8 minutes deciding upon my purchase.
6 minutes queuing to pay.
15 minutes installing i-tunes and reading instructions.
134 minutes importing songs from CDs into i-tunes.
10 minutes reading the troubleshooting section of i-pod manual.
5 minutes searching for motherboard manual
15 minutes reading motherboard manual.
15 minutes attempting to install USB 2.0 but being told that the computer should already have it otherwise I need to download an update from the internet.
40 minutes walking to and from internet café.
6 minutes waiting for a computer.
15 minutes downloading program for USB 2.0 (cost of internet $2).
5 minutes installing the programs and discovering that they don’t make any difference.
5 minutes testing all four USB ports.
60 minutes searching the Help and Support Center of the computer for solutions.
45 minutes clicking on things to find a way of fixing the USB.
45 minutes re-reading the motherboard manual and going into the BIOS setup to change the USB setting.
15 minutes wondering why the i-pod finally works even though the computer says it doesn’t.
375 minutes contemplating throwing computer and i-pod out of fourth storey window.
Total
37 hours 59 minutes
15 minutes compiling this list
A lady boards the tram. She shuffles through a herd of children to an empty seat at the other end and sits next to the weird man who smells like cheese. She spends the next 3 minutes searching her handbag and finally finds her wallet from which she then extracts her tram ticket. She tries to validate her ticket from her seated position but misbalances, falling off her seat slightly and dropping one of her shopping bags. She stands up and the tram stops, sending her flying into the fat sweaty man sitting opposite her. In his instant reaction to protect himself from the oncoming collision he brings his hands up in defense. He accidentally gropes her breast for 2 seconds and then apologises. She finally makes it to the validating machine. Her first attempt to validate the ticket in the machine fails, so she tries again. Fails. Tries again. The ticket simply won’t go in. She brings the ticket up to her eyes for closer inspection. She looks at the ticket, and then at the machine. She tries feeding the ticket in for the fourth time and fails. Again she looks at the ticket. She turns the ticket over, looks at the machine and then looks at the ticket. She tries again and once more for good luck, but fails both times. She studies the ticket more closely. She turns it over. She spins it around in the figure eight. She sprinkles fairy dust on it. She folds it in half and duck-dives it into the machine. The validating machine still will not accept her ticket. Finally, when she looks like she’s just about to give up, when her hair is all messy and her make-up is running and she looks like she hasn’t slept for 3 days, the fat smelly man reaches over and shows her the correct way to validate the ticket.
We’ve all witnessed it. We all know what I’m talking about here. Validation Disorder is a common disease that affects 1 in 10 public transport users in Melbourne. Upon inspecting a met-card ticket, you may notice that there are only 4 possible ways of inserting the ticket into the validating machine. Many people find the correct way to validate the ticket by a process of logic while others use the process of elimination. Passengers with Validation Disorder may show signs of attempting this process of elimination, however the disease means that they can only discover the 3 incorrect ways and never the correct method of validation. This is one of the most common mental illnesses in Melbourne yet it is not getting the kind of attention it needs. The cause of this disease can be blamed on a combination of the stupidity of Homo sapiens and the public transport system’s lack of resources for accommodating the stupidity of Homo sapiens.
I’m a fan of combining peanut butter with either jam, honey, banana or lettuce in my sandwiches. I find these ingredients bring out the best in peanut butter because they’re opposites of a sort. And I know that a lot of people will agree with me on some of those combinations, while others will cringe. But what is the deal with manufacturers trying to amalgamate peanut butter and chocolate? Although Snickers once had a spread of some sort, it was Kraft that started this crazy boom when they came up with Nuts about Chocolate: “A delicious peanut-chocolate spread”. And what a great idea that turned out to be (sarcasm)! Strangely enough, Nuts about Chocolate is the same name as a delicious Dairy Bell ice-cream. Kraft must be pretty good mates with Dairy Bell because I’m sure Dairy Bell would sue Dick Smith if he tried to use the name.
If Kraft’s goal was to make a spread that was visually like chocolate but had the flavour of a weird peanut butter then it has succeeded. Mothers will buy this spread for their children only when they run out of both chocolate spread and peanut butter. Their children will try it once. The novelty will then wear off. The next time the mother offers it to the children, one child will complain “But I just want peanut butter” and the other will whine “But I just want chocolate”. The children will then settle for vegemite and the mother will later buy chocolate spread and peanut butter, each in their own separate containers, where they belong. The Nuts about Chocolate will slowly move to the back of the pantry and will occasionally be used for the children’s art and crafts, practical jokes and idle threats.
Then Green’s brought out Easy Squeezy Peanut Spread with Choc-Chips. White Wings brought out make-at-home-packs of Soft-Centered Chocolate and Peanut Butter flavoured cookies. And Nestle released the sequel to Caramel Kit Kat Chunky, and it was none other than Kit Kat Chunky with peanut butter.
I shudder to think of what the peanut butter and chocolate marriage will produce next... lollipops, milkshakes, yoghurt, ice-cream? This is a marriage that is just not working for anybody. They do not get along with one another. Their offspring are despised and bring shame to the family. These are two spreads that were meant to be single for life. The sooner they divorce, the better for all parties involved.
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