Today it’s a year to the day since I was “dumped”. I wonder how many people remember and mark occasions like this one as I’m doing. For me it’s a milestone to be grateful for and to celebrate – my life has been restored to me and I’m as happy as I’ve ever been since the break-up. I put dumped in inverted commas these days because the physical dumping may have been done by the ex, but if I’m really honest about this, I had left the relationship a long time before it was ended physically. I never felt comfortable about the concept of ending the relationship myself though - I felt my ex’s behaviour might have become very unpredictable and it could be dangerous for me. I will not elaborate on that any further though, but suffice to say I have enough fodder to write a book about it!
In subsequent contact with the ex, and don’t ask me why I thought that was a good idea, (because I ended up being on the receiving end of a lot of verbal abuse), I was accused of moving on too quickly. Too quickly for whom? For the ex, clearly. This brings me to another question – how does one tell when the time is right to move on? I met someone shortly after this break-up and we’ve been together ever since. I would venture to say that this depends on whether or not the emotional investment in the previous relationship had waned before its end, and if it had, how long ago did that start? For me this was certainly the case. It’s a question I find fascinating though – do you wait for a certain period of time to elapse before moving on, or is it a case of self-awareness? Maybe it should be both time and self-awareness. I had promised myself a year of being on my own, but that never eventuated, and now I don’t regret that for second.
So life goes on, and for me, at long last, it’s happily!
September 22nd 2011 05:05
Life has been good, very good since the demise of the relationship of which this blog is the subject. The reason for that is I have moved on somewhat more quickly than I anticipated, found someone else, someone who has made me acutely aware of how much of a mismatch I was with my ex. This is also the reason for the lack of posts here – I thought I could bare my soul about how I felt about the break-up, but it’s turned out I haven’t needed to do that at all.
A few months ago I had the shock of encountering the ex for the first time since the break-up. Somehow, it wasn’t any easier seeing that person for the first time in several months, even though I have moved on. I was sitting on a train, the ex got on, fortunately I was listening to my iPod and was able to use that as a prop, and drop my head on realising what had just happened! It was still quite a shock. It’s funny how these things work out. As we all know I was dumped by this person, and I felt there was a degree of arrogance about the manner in which the dumping occurred. On seeing the ex for the first time since the break-up, I’m not so sure survival has been so easy for the dumper. It appeared the world was their oyster, having just returned from holidays, about to start a new job, blah blah. Somehow I no longer think it’s been so easy, and there has perhaps been in the last days of our relationship an element of inflated, grandiose ideas about self rather than truth. Having lost a pile of weight, I notice that much of it had been put back on again – having bought a number of suits, there wasn’t one being worn on the day in question, although perhaps it should have in the big wide corporate world. Is it possible that this person is feeling the pinch somewhat? I witnessed some almost amusing behaviour – the person turned and faced the opposite direction on seeing me, for the entire train trip, so that no contact, eye or otherwise, could be made. We both got off at the same stop, twice in ten minutes. I saw this person, who is a notoriously slow walker, practically run from one platform to another, and then walk quickly up some stairs to escape any chance of a further encounter with me, clearly social poison. I never knew I wielded such power actually.
So that’s how things stand on that front. I had one further encounter that week, but it would appear the dumper has either made alternative arrangements to travel to work, has started taking an earlier, or a later train in order to miss me. I am certainly not re-arranging my life to avoid this person, and I think it’s silly they have!
It's now 6 weeks since the demise of my relationship, and my last post consisted of describing the traits of a sociopath. Why? Because on doing some reading and research, these are the traits that the ex displayed, in almost textboook fashion, and I felt compelled to let others know that there are people out there who appear to be normal, but they're not. It's really important to trust your instincts if you think someone's behaviour is slightly off, most importantly, to believe them and follow them.
How do I feel about this now? Well, given that I've done quite an amount of reading, I don't feel quite so alone about it all, and things that didn't make sense before about the ex's behaviour are making a lot more sense now. Most importantly, I am not taking the dumping personally - when you realise you're dealing with a compromised person who was highly skilled in hiding the compromise, things are not so bad. It's not merely a compromise though, being a sociopath is like being devoid of one of the five senses, only there are no aids to relieve the affliction. So in fact, the condition is a very pitiable one, and basically one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy - they have no idea what they're missing out on in life, and that's just sad.
I thought that having somewhere to journal my feelings might be good therapy for me, and I think it has been, but I don't know for how much longer I'll continue with it at this stage, because I'm feeling surprisingly good about life, all things considered.
So it's onwards and upwards from here for me, and I hope for everyone else too!
So, what does one do, having been dumped, when the ex decides they still want to be friends? In fact, the proclamation is that you're best friends and have been through too much together over a number of years, to lose one another. It's fine and dandy for the dumper, but the dumped? Basically the dumped gets emotionally thumped either way - apparently, the dumped has the privilege of remaining in the dumper's life, and even gets to watch when a new partner comes along. Really? Is the dumped expected to enjoy that and swallow it whole? What do people think of this? Is this a fair expectation and the basis for a genuine friendship? I wouldn't have thought so, but I'm interested in the opinions of others.
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