Last season: Everyone is busy. Dean is obsessed with motorcycles. Tori begs him to stop. Patsy goes home. Tori is going to handle one thing in her filmed life privately, which is good, because I could care less about her mom.
Awww...signs for Liam's Garden and Stella's Garden.
Dean marvels at how large their house is. Stella's walking! Yay. They talk about how they need to put their relationship first instead of putting the kids and work and everything else in front of their marriage. Liam says, "Tomato!" Tori says their lives have grown and grown and she just wants to shrink it back to a manageable size. That's how I feel too! Quote of the day: "They came out of your penis for like, 30 seconds. They were in my belly 9 months." Nice.
They call Patsy to check up on her after her gastric bypass surgery. They discuss renting an RV to take a road trip to see Patsy. So far I'm thinking this is exactly like the conversation I normally have with my husband (wouldn't it be cool if we could go to Disney World this year?), and then Dean jumps online to start making plans. Um, yeah, must be cool to be able to actually carry out your vacation plans.
Tori's best friend (missed the name) called her an energy vampire. Are there such things? If so, I think one is stalking me. Will garlic help?
Not only does Tori want to drive to see Patsy, she wants to basically make over Patsy's house. Um, okay.
Stella and Liam are too cute. Tori helps them pack, Stella's rocking some purple butterfly wings, and Liam argues with Tori about a suitcase. Dean shows up with a nice RV, and Tori wonders if they'll all be able to fit in there. Really? We LIVED in one of those with the 2 of us, our 2 kids, and 4 dogs for months. Voluntarily.
Tori and Dean sit on their bed and flirt. Dean paints Tori's toes (one toe, rather) a whorish red, tells Liam to shave off Mommy's moles, and then Dean, in a scarily professional gay voice, tells Liam to go to bed so he can shave Mommy's vagina. Oh, those poor children. How damaged they must be already.
They load up with their 'Patsy's Or Bust' sign and get off to a rocky start, but once Tori determined the problem (they were gay heavy on one side, so she made one of the guncles move to the other side) and fixed it, they were off an running. I just have to giggle here that Dean brags about how fortunate he was to star in two movies of the week last year. Yes Dean, you were fortunate, but it wasn't in getting an acting job. It was in winning the metaphorical lottery by convincing Aaron Spelling's daughter to marry you. Remember that while you're shamelessly flirting with Tori's friends.
They stop at a cool dinosaur land place and get back on the road. Tori is nervous at the prospect of a The Hills Have Eyes reenactment after they stop to sleep, but Dean has a brilliant, but too convuluted to repeat here, plan of action should they be in some kind of horror movie like danger, and on his feet, too. Tori is consoled, and I am impressed. Maybe he is more talented than I give him credit for.
They discuss stopping at a motel so the babies can sleep. Tori tries to scare her daughter by telling her that they'll check in but never check out. When it doesn't work, she tries again. What kidn of mother is she, anyway? After they park and get a room at a seedy looking place I'm impressed they would actually stay at until I remember they started filming their show because of major financial issues, Tori says it looks like the Bates Motel, and I wish I could have a horror movie marathon with her. My kind of woman, she is. Liam asks if they're camping, and one of the guncles says they're gay camping. I laugh on the inside as we go to commercial.
Dean has to kid glove Tori to get her to lay down, and then she spots what looks like blood on the ceiling. Someone slams a door, Tori freaks and says this is why she's never stayed at a hotel. Dean is turned on by the fact that he's breaking Tori's motel cherry.
They're behind schedule now. Dean uts his foot down and says they'll have to limit the stops, and then they stop at someone's Petrified Ostrich Egg/Meteorite attraction. The woman behind the counter explains the concept of meteorites to Tori, who says that she thinks she can find a meteorite despite their rarity because she once found a pair of Louis Vuitton shoes on sale for $150. The woman takes her seriously and tries to talk her out of it, and then Tori tries to buy an ostrich. The woman tells her that the ostriches have orgies, so they multiply. They bring the kids out to meet the ostriches and feed them, and then the woman tells the camera how much she likes Tori, that she could be her homie. Really, I don't even need to add my comments. I can't even think of any to add.
They're about four hours behind schedule, so they go moccasin shopping for the kids. They pull photos up of Patsy's house on the laptop and discuss how they're going to makeover her home. Seriously, does she have any idea what they plan to do? A nice gesture, but a little less nice when unexpected.
They stop again, at a cadillac graveyard, and Dean mutilates the already dead cars by carving names and initials on them. Then they stop at a restaurant featuring a steak challenge, and I msised the specifics, but they're all going for it, and they bring a ton of steak to the table. I sense vomit somewhere in their future, and we cut to commercial.
Tori asks if they have to eat the sour cream too, and the waitress, with serious face, explains what exactly they have to and don't have to eat. They can leave the potato skin, the onion, and the shrimp tails, if you'r wondering, and we go again to commercial.
Eating, chewing, eating some more, chewing and eating and gagging. Dean comes up with creative strategies to get it all down (slicing it into strips and standing up to let gravity pull the food through her intestines more quickly), and Tori thinks he might actually win, but the steak is victorious. They argue again about how behind they are, and decide to push through and drive straight to Dallas.
Liam and Stella throw crayons, and Tori and Dean talk about how nice it is to reconnect, and they do look cozy together as a family. Tori is really skinny, but it probably doesn't seem like that to her because of the chin thing. Dean calls Liam Nick Nolte, and the morbid editors compare mug shots.
They stop to see Tori's cousin Sam, who is significantly older than her. Tori has a genuine moment as she reflects on how her dad didn't live the privileged life that she did, that her dad actually worked for everything he had, and he is where she gets her work ethic. I have to admit that while she does have her attention seeking over the top fake crying moments, I do like her.
They take an emotional trip to her dad's old school, and another to the cemetery, where we find out Tori's middle name is Davey. Stella carefully puts a rock on top of her dad's grave, and Dean takes a really cute photo before we cut to commercial.
They say goodbye to Sam.
This season on Tori and Dean: Lots of work and fashion shows, Tori is sick, Liam is adorable, Tori is exhausted and drained and stressed, family drama, "Where's Daddy?" Tori and Dean argue. And cry. I wonder how much they're blowing their marital problems out of proportion in order to boost ratings. Then I wonder if it's going to work.
I think I'll keep watching, just because their kids are so flipping adorable.
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