JessiccaPurpose of Life – Do we know where we are now?
October 4th 2006 05:44
Ever think whenever you are doing your best and you keep seeing you are pushing forward and you think you are moving forward but you in reality you are not?
I for one realised that I am not moving forward, but running in circles.
This actually happened recently in my 6 months “struggle” doing the best I can, trying too hard to make a difference, trying too hard to do as much things as possible in order to produce as much fruit as possible with my limited time, until I had an accident on Sunday, 1 October 2006.
That accident was a major shock for me, though I didn’t ramp into the other car (it was the other way round) but I knew that this was not coincidence. This was in fact, the fruit of bad decisions made throughout the 6 months. I am not saying that I have done useless things during that period because I have learnt so much from it, but it was something that changed my soul.
Because of the accident, I was unable to walk and move about as freely as I am. The pain from the internal injury (out of the impact) was bad, but it wasn’t as bad as what I had to face… my own soul.
This happened when I actually sat down and started reading this book that I have neglected for months since my birthday, which was given from my closest friends. That time then… I believe… was already a sign of warning that I was walking towards the abyss of pointless direction, but I was so into the “work your best!” mode that I couldn’t see the obvious sights what people around me are seeing.
When I started reading this book, “The Purpose Driven Life”, I started having sudden trauma from the accident. It was like a broken video player as the images repeated until I cried out tearfully and saw my love ones faces in my mind. It was unbearable because it was a big tight slap from God, and from those who loves me.
“What have I done…”
And then I realised that my life purpose these days has been driven by fear, by the need for approval. I was not looking at the big picture of my life, but looking at the pictures of what others should see me as. This was all wrong. My life isn’t simple anymore, in fact, I have become a person who tries to do everything people want me to do. I no longer have a clear purpose and I no longer have a foundation for it.
“Without a clear purpose you have no foundation on which you base decisions, allocate your time, and use your resources. You will tend to make choices based on circumstances, pressures and your mood at the moment. People who don’t know their purpose try to do too much – and that causes stress, fatigue and conflict”
Too much – that was the word. I was trying to do too much. The night after I had the accident, the one I love so dearly scolded me, “you are trying to do too much!” He was right… he was right all along. He had tried to warn me on this, but I didn’t listen. Not only him, my family, my housemates, my friends, my colleagues has tried to warn me, but I didn’t snap out of it. In fact, it was so ironic that I didn’t snap out of it still until I started reading the book.
And what have I “gained”? Or more to say, what have I learned?
I have done a lot, but I have gained nothing. In fact, I have driven away my friends, my family, and he who loves me dearly. I lost myself, became unconfident, and kept worrying what people will see in me.
I lost my true purpose of life, and I know that everything I am doing right now that is jeopardising what I have gained before has to stop.
Although I haven’t finished reading the book, and I haven’t truly found the right focus point to put my entire effort into it, but I know what my true purpose in life isn’t my current life. I am not superman. Heck, even superman can’t be in all parts of the world at the same time.
But I have confident I can find it soon. Because I now know I have started at the wrong foot.
Nothing is lost in the 6 months. What I have been through is a very meaningful chapter in my life, a lifetime lesson to learn and to be awake from it.
I for one realised that I am not moving forward, but running in circles.
This actually happened recently in my 6 months “struggle” doing the best I can, trying too hard to make a difference, trying too hard to do as much things as possible in order to produce as much fruit as possible with my limited time, until I had an accident on Sunday, 1 October 2006.
That accident was a major shock for me, though I didn’t ramp into the other car (it was the other way round) but I knew that this was not coincidence. This was in fact, the fruit of bad decisions made throughout the 6 months. I am not saying that I have done useless things during that period because I have learnt so much from it, but it was something that changed my soul.
Because of the accident, I was unable to walk and move about as freely as I am. The pain from the internal injury (out of the impact) was bad, but it wasn’t as bad as what I had to face… my own soul.
This happened when I actually sat down and started reading this book that I have neglected for months since my birthday, which was given from my closest friends. That time then… I believe… was already a sign of warning that I was walking towards the abyss of pointless direction, but I was so into the “work your best!” mode that I couldn’t see the obvious sights what people around me are seeing.
When I started reading this book, “The Purpose Driven Life”, I started having sudden trauma from the accident. It was like a broken video player as the images repeated until I cried out tearfully and saw my love ones faces in my mind. It was unbearable because it was a big tight slap from God, and from those who loves me.
“What have I done…”
And then I realised that my life purpose these days has been driven by fear, by the need for approval. I was not looking at the big picture of my life, but looking at the pictures of what others should see me as. This was all wrong. My life isn’t simple anymore, in fact, I have become a person who tries to do everything people want me to do. I no longer have a clear purpose and I no longer have a foundation for it.
“Without a clear purpose you have no foundation on which you base decisions, allocate your time, and use your resources. You will tend to make choices based on circumstances, pressures and your mood at the moment. People who don’t know their purpose try to do too much – and that causes stress, fatigue and conflict”
Too much – that was the word. I was trying to do too much. The night after I had the accident, the one I love so dearly scolded me, “you are trying to do too much!” He was right… he was right all along. He had tried to warn me on this, but I didn’t listen. Not only him, my family, my housemates, my friends, my colleagues has tried to warn me, but I didn’t snap out of it. In fact, it was so ironic that I didn’t snap out of it still until I started reading the book.
And what have I “gained”? Or more to say, what have I learned?
I have done a lot, but I have gained nothing. In fact, I have driven away my friends, my family, and he who loves me dearly. I lost myself, became unconfident, and kept worrying what people will see in me.
I lost my true purpose of life, and I know that everything I am doing right now that is jeopardising what I have gained before has to stop.
Although I haven’t finished reading the book, and I haven’t truly found the right focus point to put my entire effort into it, but I know what my true purpose in life isn’t my current life. I am not superman. Heck, even superman can’t be in all parts of the world at the same time.
But I have confident I can find it soon. Because I now know I have started at the wrong foot.
Nothing is lost in the 6 months. What I have been through is a very meaningful chapter in my life, a lifetime lesson to learn and to be awake from it.
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Comment by Jessicca
Learning Something Everyday
Malaysia Found
As I was thinking, yeah… when I first got my licence not so long ago, I had a small accident when that old station-wagon chocked and knocked on to a car that tried to squeeze in as near as possible to the line in front of me when we were stuck in the traffic jam. And now, even I have put my hazard light when my gear had a problem (I stopped aside) the car still ramped me.
This sounds ridiculous, but does anyone else have met with the same “baptism” situation when you first had your driving licence and/or you first own your car?
Comment by Anonymous
Good to know that you realise where you are at now and going for a U-turn.
I do hope that you can find your main purpose soon. Ain't doin' too good if you keep wasting time searching for it.
Well, I'm not sure about the "baptism" for new car owners, but come to think of it, some friends of mine went through something similar, not as bad as yours. haha.
Comment by Harmony Rocks
head for threads
Harmony's Forum For You
Harmony's Forum For You
Great post. But I withhold comment until after I sleep. Otherwise, I'd be doing too much.
You're on tomorrow's to do list, both this post and living spiritually.