Premature Ejaculation? No Problem!
September 19th 2006 02:20
"A Serbian man needed emergency surgery after he had sex with a hedgehog on a witchdoctor’s advice. Zoran Nikolovic, 35, from Belgrade, says the witchdoctor told him it would cure his premature ejaculation. But he ended up in an operating theater after the hedgehog’s needles left his penis severely lacerated. A hospital spokesman said: “The animal was apparently unhurt and the patient came off worse from the encounter.” "(mX, 18 September)
Wow, the fine medical services they have in Belgrade. I think the witchdoctor suggested the proper treatment and Mr. Nikolovic did the right thing by respecting his medical opinion. Well, Zoran, now you won’t have any problem with premature ejaculation… because you won’t be having sex any more! Sex with a hedgehog? Serves you right. You deserve a mangled penis. If PETA and the SPCA ever got word of this, they would be on your ass in a second. Poor hedgehog, being violated by a creature a hundred times bigger than her. Can anyone imagine raping an animal you can fit in your hands? I would think that the appropriate orifice would be about the size of a pinhole. What I find funny is the fact that the hedgehog was unhurt in the encounter. I guess that says something about Zoran’s package. If you can’t even please a hedgehog, what hope do you have with women? Premature ejaculation would be the least of your problems. To add insult to injury, the hospital spokesman chose his words unfortunately by saying Zoran “came off” worse. Raping a hedgehog, being able to penetrate a hole the size of a needle’s eye, having your dong used as a pincushion, AND still be a quick-shooter? What a charmed life he leads.
In the wake of this incident, here are some tips on how to cure premature ejaculation by having sex with animals. Kids, don’t try this at home. Not until you’re of legal age, anyway.
Sex with a grizzly bear: After getting your balls ripped off by an angry carnivore, you won’t be able to ejaculate prematurely anymore. In fact, you won’t be able to ejaculate at all.
Sex with an elephant: You can pound all you want, you still won’t get off. An analogy is a chopstick going in, say, a cement mixer.
Sex with a sea cucumber: Their icky, gooey slime would gum up your penile passages so that semen flow is blocked. Bonus: a dried sea cucumber can be used as a penis implant for eternal erection.
Sex with a poison arrow frog: Theoretically, it would kill the nerves in your member, hence delaying pleasure and premature ejaculation, and bringing hours of ecstasy to your partner, of which she would excitedly brag about to her friends, thereby reaffirming your status as a sex god. Or you could die a horrible, horrible death. I forget.
Sex with an oyster: Their reputation as an aphrodisiac means that, even though you are premature, you can still have sex over and over, as many times as possible, until your lady is satisfied. It also is… what? Oh, you’re supposed to EAT them? Well, never mind then.
Sex with an axolotl: When having sex with an actual woman, keep an image in your mind: a goofy-looking amphibian impaled on your dangling goofy-looking wiener. You’ll laugh out loud ensuring that a) you delay your climax, or b) you spoil the mood and your lady friend walks out. Hey, at least you didn’t come early. Bonus: repeatedly say “axolotl” in the middle of a love-making session and your partner would think it’s sexy that you’re seducing her in a foreign language.
Sex with Camilla Parker-Bowles: After having sex with a looker like her, you would swear off sex altogether.
Sex with a unicorn: Yep, as realistic as the female orgasm.
Wow, the fine medical services they have in Belgrade. I think the witchdoctor suggested the proper treatment and Mr. Nikolovic did the right thing by respecting his medical opinion. Well, Zoran, now you won’t have any problem with premature ejaculation… because you won’t be having sex any more! Sex with a hedgehog? Serves you right. You deserve a mangled penis. If PETA and the SPCA ever got word of this, they would be on your ass in a second. Poor hedgehog, being violated by a creature a hundred times bigger than her. Can anyone imagine raping an animal you can fit in your hands? I would think that the appropriate orifice would be about the size of a pinhole. What I find funny is the fact that the hedgehog was unhurt in the encounter. I guess that says something about Zoran’s package. If you can’t even please a hedgehog, what hope do you have with women? Premature ejaculation would be the least of your problems. To add insult to injury, the hospital spokesman chose his words unfortunately by saying Zoran “came off” worse. Raping a hedgehog, being able to penetrate a hole the size of a needle’s eye, having your dong used as a pincushion, AND still be a quick-shooter? What a charmed life he leads.
In the wake of this incident, here are some tips on how to cure premature ejaculation by having sex with animals. Kids, don’t try this at home. Not until you’re of legal age, anyway.
Sex with a grizzly bear: After getting your balls ripped off by an angry carnivore, you won’t be able to ejaculate prematurely anymore. In fact, you won’t be able to ejaculate at all.
Sex with an elephant: You can pound all you want, you still won’t get off. An analogy is a chopstick going in, say, a cement mixer.
Sex with a sea cucumber: Their icky, gooey slime would gum up your penile passages so that semen flow is blocked. Bonus: a dried sea cucumber can be used as a penis implant for eternal erection.
Sex with a poison arrow frog: Theoretically, it would kill the nerves in your member, hence delaying pleasure and premature ejaculation, and bringing hours of ecstasy to your partner, of which she would excitedly brag about to her friends, thereby reaffirming your status as a sex god. Or you could die a horrible, horrible death. I forget.
Sex with an oyster: Their reputation as an aphrodisiac means that, even though you are premature, you can still have sex over and over, as many times as possible, until your lady is satisfied. It also is… what? Oh, you’re supposed to EAT them? Well, never mind then.
Sex with an axolotl: When having sex with an actual woman, keep an image in your mind: a goofy-looking amphibian impaled on your dangling goofy-looking wiener. You’ll laugh out loud ensuring that a) you delay your climax, or b) you spoil the mood and your lady friend walks out. Hey, at least you didn’t come early. Bonus: repeatedly say “axolotl” in the middle of a love-making session and your partner would think it’s sexy that you’re seducing her in a foreign language.
Sex with Camilla Parker-Bowles: After having sex with a looker like her, you would swear off sex altogether.
Sex with a unicorn: Yep, as realistic as the female orgasm.
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Or how about... sex with a... wait for it...
human?
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Hey, Always Eighteen. Hmmm, sex with a human, eh? Y'know, it actually sounds crazy enough to work.
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Blah... who cares, I was drunk.
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Hey, Brenton. Yeah, yeah, we all say that. Blame it on the alcohol, eh?
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Firstly, I don't care what any witchdoctor says, at what point do you look at a tiny walking pincushion and think to yourself "okay, l can have sex with that"?
And the female orgasm isn't a myth my friend. If you blokes would just stop and ask for directions when you get lost!!!
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MAN #1: Dude, what about that chick? *points to a girl* Would you bang her?
MAN #2: Sure I'd bang her. *points to another girl* And her. *and another girl* And her. *points to a hedgehog* And that.
MAN #1: Dude, that's an animal.
MAN #2: Hey, if it moves, it's fair game.
Two words, Kylie: male pride. I just wish Dr. Grafenberg had enough foresight to draw a "road map".
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