The Greatest Radio Show in History is BACK!
February 3rd 2008 21:44
The people of America love two things: stories of perseverance, and being offended… and over-eating. But while the latter of the two may be quite common, never, since the beginning of time, have both been intertwined in the same story. At least, that was the case before the beginning of time met The Regular Guys.
The Regular Guys show, referred to by Wikipedia as “the most important four hours of your day,” first brought happiness to Atlanta in 1998 after moving from Los Angeles. Hosts Larry Wachs and Eric Von Haessler insisted that they made the change purely due to their altruistic nature; given the lack of decent morning shows in Atlanta, and their history of charitable behavior, this line of reasoning seemed highly logical. However, to the educated listener, it was obvious that more than anything else, the move was made due to their desire to re-locate to an area without such a heavy Hispanic population.
In April of 2004, The Regular Guys suffered their first minor setback when a sexually explicit interview with porn-star Devin Lane, which they had intended to play backwards to mock the FCC’s indecency crackdown, was accidentally aired over a Honda commercial. Although sales of Honda’s new “Rough-Rider” CR-V with rear-entry went through the roof, the station’s owners, Clear Channel, were forced to terminate The Regular Guys after Al Sharpton claimed that pornography was racist and demanded Larry and Eric be fired.
During their sabbatical, Larry made a small fortune after creating and starring in the “Watch Wachs Eat Club,” tickets for which typically sold for more than $200. Wachs brought in extra income by selling his used napkins, which went for $12-15 apiece, and up to $20 on all-you-can-eat ribs night. Eric, who was slightly less willing to exploit his audience’s stupidity, got a job as a food-runner at The Cheesecake Factory.
After the loss of The Regular Guys, the station’s ratings went from 4.2 million listeners to 28, most of whom were family members of the station’s employees who had agreed to leave their radios on at home all day with the volume turned down. In light of this harsh reality, Clear Channel brought The Regular Guys back to the air in March of 2005. As a result, Georgia Governor Sonny Purdue gave Clear Channel the “Georgia Humanitarian of the Year” award for the joy they had brought to millions of Atlantans. At the time, however, Purdue was unaware that The Regular Guys were going to be on an AM Newsradio station.
Not surprisingly, a show that spent very little to no time at all discussing the news fit perfectly with the format of news radio. It worked so well, in fact, that less than two months later Clear Channel decided it was criminal to have The Regular Guys on such a weak signal, and thus moved them back to their original time-slot on 96.1 FM; businesses in Atlanta were handicapped for weeks as employees throughout the city constantly called in sick, only to come to work feeling better at 10:01.
By mid-2006, The Regular Guys had recovered approximately 75% of their previous audience. Of the remaining 25%, 13% had chosen to move to a state in which it was legal to buy beer on Sunday, 5% had passed away due to obesity-related diseases, 4% held a grudge against Larry for overcharging for his used napkins, 3% had been arrested for dog-fighting, and 0.000000001% had become avid listeners of The Bert Show on Q100.
But their return was not without incident. Despite never in the past being willing to discuss controversial or offensive topics, especially those concerning race or mooching illegals, in March of 2006, The Regular Guys had little choice but to address the national Hispanic illegal alien employee boycotts that were ongoing given that the hosts of Viva 105.7, who were Hispanic and thus urging their people to boycott so as not to lose street-cred from their illegal listening public, were also Clear Channel employees and were situated right down the hall from The Regular Guys.
The purpose of the boycott was to show Americans how vital the illegal population is to the economy; thus, every unemployed illegal alien refused to do any work for an entire day. Fortunately for them, this required very little deviation from their normal routine. The impact was profound.
On the roads, traffic was 55% lighter, with uninsured motorist-accidents and hit-and-runs down 211%; employees throughout the metro-Atlanta area arrived to work 30-40 minutes early- bored out of their minds, the majority of them decided to do more work to pass the time.
Schoolteachers also had to venture into uncharted territory. Not having to dumb down their lesson plans, they were able to cover a week’s worth of material before lunch; the students were thus given an extended recess, during which the teachers were able to do their Sudoku given that they didn’t have to make sure none of the kids pulled out a knife after getting hit in dodgeball.
Gas stations had security guards with nothing to do, liquor stores ran out of tequila and Dos Equis by 10:30am; out of its daily routine, the city didn’t know what to do with itself.
Yogi and Panda, named after the cartoon bear and the official bear of Mexico, respectively, agreed to come onto The Regular Guys show to discuss illegal matters and defend their illegal brethren. Unfortunately for the bears, their writers were also boycotting and they had to “wing-it” and “think on the spot,” which, like broadcasting to legal residents, was not their forté.
In an effort to salvage their pride, along with the pride of millions of illegals who love their homeland but fear nothing more than to be sent back to it, Yoshi and Panda complained to Clear Channel management, arguing that there was nothing in the U.S. Constitution that permits The Regular Guys to have their own opinions and state them on the air. Clear Channel went out on a limb and defended The Regular Guys, but likely sided with the Mexicans, and only defended them because The Regular Guys station speaks the same language as those in Atlanta who can afford to buy from their advertisers.
In October of that same year, Larry Wachs was making his weekly trip to the restroom after a meeting; it would later be reported that he was going number one. During this time, Yogi and Paco came into the restroom and entered adjacent stalls; it would later be reported that they had just eaten some Mexican food.
Immediately, the two Hispanic broadcasters began to hurl insults at Wachs; although they were speaking Mexican at the time (given that they wanted to both insult and annoy Wachs), Larry knew enough of their language from having been to the DMV several times to know that what they were saying was unpleasant and directed at him.
Wanting to practice how to curse in Mexican, Wachs pulled out the tape recorder he had on him and recorded what the pair were saying amidst their giggling and whatever else Hispanics do in bathroom stalls.
Hoping to get assurances from his listeners that the mean things Yoshi and Pablo were saying weren’t true, Larry played the tape on the air. Although the bit had been approved by Clear Channel management, and what was said on the tape was impossible to make out for the listeners, the Latinos complained that, like America, their privacy had been invaded.
Insisting that their being made fun offended the “honor of their culture,” the same culture that their Latin-listeners floated across the Rio Grande to get away from, the two stall-mates filed criminal and civil charges against Wachs, on the grounds that as an American, Larry had no right to make fun of people that didn’t speak English. Despite the company offering “reasonable solutions to satisfy their ongoing and baseless grievances,” and Wachs’ willingness to agree to never again talk about the duo on the air, as well as to never again use the bathroom within an hour of two Mexicans having gone number two in there, Clear Channel had no choice but to once again terminate The Regular Guys.
In March, 2007, the aforementioned lawsuit was immediately thrown out by the judge on the grounds that it was retarded. But the damage had already been done.
The number of radios being sold on eBay had gone from six radios to 1.4 million overnight. Best Buy and Circuit City cancelled all of their orders for any piece of stereo equipment that possessed an AM/FM tuner, Apple discontinued their line of FM-ready iPods, and throughout the metro-Atlanta area, millions of men and women suffered through their morning commutes.
Sixteen months later, on the morning of January 28th, 2008, as people tuned into 100.5 to hear The Bert Show, instead of hearing a voice-disguised phone call from a woman who thought her boyfriend was cheating, listeners heard the most beautiful sound one can ever hear: the voice of a middle-aged, bald-headed Jew, probably playing that God-awful “My Name is Larry” song, because, like my Athlete’s Foot, The Regular Guys are back!
The Regular Guys show, referred to by Wikipedia as “the most important four hours of your day,” first brought happiness to Atlanta in 1998 after moving from Los Angeles. Hosts Larry Wachs and Eric Von Haessler insisted that they made the change purely due to their altruistic nature; given the lack of decent morning shows in Atlanta, and their history of charitable behavior, this line of reasoning seemed highly logical. However, to the educated listener, it was obvious that more than anything else, the move was made due to their desire to re-locate to an area without such a heavy Hispanic population.
In April of 2004, The Regular Guys suffered their first minor setback when a sexually explicit interview with porn-star Devin Lane, which they had intended to play backwards to mock the FCC’s indecency crackdown, was accidentally aired over a Honda commercial. Although sales of Honda’s new “Rough-Rider” CR-V with rear-entry went through the roof, the station’s owners, Clear Channel, were forced to terminate The Regular Guys after Al Sharpton claimed that pornography was racist and demanded Larry and Eric be fired.
During their sabbatical, Larry made a small fortune after creating and starring in the “Watch Wachs Eat Club,” tickets for which typically sold for more than $200. Wachs brought in extra income by selling his used napkins, which went for $12-15 apiece, and up to $20 on all-you-can-eat ribs night. Eric, who was slightly less willing to exploit his audience’s stupidity, got a job as a food-runner at The Cheesecake Factory.
After the loss of The Regular Guys, the station’s ratings went from 4.2 million listeners to 28, most of whom were family members of the station’s employees who had agreed to leave their radios on at home all day with the volume turned down. In light of this harsh reality, Clear Channel brought The Regular Guys back to the air in March of 2005. As a result, Georgia Governor Sonny Purdue gave Clear Channel the “Georgia Humanitarian of the Year” award for the joy they had brought to millions of Atlantans. At the time, however, Purdue was unaware that The Regular Guys were going to be on an AM Newsradio station.
Not surprisingly, a show that spent very little to no time at all discussing the news fit perfectly with the format of news radio. It worked so well, in fact, that less than two months later Clear Channel decided it was criminal to have The Regular Guys on such a weak signal, and thus moved them back to their original time-slot on 96.1 FM; businesses in Atlanta were handicapped for weeks as employees throughout the city constantly called in sick, only to come to work feeling better at 10:01.
By mid-2006, The Regular Guys had recovered approximately 75% of their previous audience. Of the remaining 25%, 13% had chosen to move to a state in which it was legal to buy beer on Sunday, 5% had passed away due to obesity-related diseases, 4% held a grudge against Larry for overcharging for his used napkins, 3% had been arrested for dog-fighting, and 0.000000001% had become avid listeners of The Bert Show on Q100.
But their return was not without incident. Despite never in the past being willing to discuss controversial or offensive topics, especially those concerning race or mooching illegals, in March of 2006, The Regular Guys had little choice but to address the national Hispanic illegal alien employee boycotts that were ongoing given that the hosts of Viva 105.7, who were Hispanic and thus urging their people to boycott so as not to lose street-cred from their illegal listening public, were also Clear Channel employees and were situated right down the hall from The Regular Guys.
The purpose of the boycott was to show Americans how vital the illegal population is to the economy; thus, every unemployed illegal alien refused to do any work for an entire day. Fortunately for them, this required very little deviation from their normal routine. The impact was profound.
On the roads, traffic was 55% lighter, with uninsured motorist-accidents and hit-and-runs down 211%; employees throughout the metro-Atlanta area arrived to work 30-40 minutes early- bored out of their minds, the majority of them decided to do more work to pass the time.
Schoolteachers also had to venture into uncharted territory. Not having to dumb down their lesson plans, they were able to cover a week’s worth of material before lunch; the students were thus given an extended recess, during which the teachers were able to do their Sudoku given that they didn’t have to make sure none of the kids pulled out a knife after getting hit in dodgeball.
Gas stations had security guards with nothing to do, liquor stores ran out of tequila and Dos Equis by 10:30am; out of its daily routine, the city didn’t know what to do with itself.
Yogi and Panda, named after the cartoon bear and the official bear of Mexico, respectively, agreed to come onto The Regular Guys show to discuss illegal matters and defend their illegal brethren. Unfortunately for the bears, their writers were also boycotting and they had to “wing-it” and “think on the spot,” which, like broadcasting to legal residents, was not their forté.
In an effort to salvage their pride, along with the pride of millions of illegals who love their homeland but fear nothing more than to be sent back to it, Yoshi and Panda complained to Clear Channel management, arguing that there was nothing in the U.S. Constitution that permits The Regular Guys to have their own opinions and state them on the air. Clear Channel went out on a limb and defended The Regular Guys, but likely sided with the Mexicans, and only defended them because The Regular Guys station speaks the same language as those in Atlanta who can afford to buy from their advertisers.
In October of that same year, Larry Wachs was making his weekly trip to the restroom after a meeting; it would later be reported that he was going number one. During this time, Yogi and Paco came into the restroom and entered adjacent stalls; it would later be reported that they had just eaten some Mexican food.
Immediately, the two Hispanic broadcasters began to hurl insults at Wachs; although they were speaking Mexican at the time (given that they wanted to both insult and annoy Wachs), Larry knew enough of their language from having been to the DMV several times to know that what they were saying was unpleasant and directed at him.
Wanting to practice how to curse in Mexican, Wachs pulled out the tape recorder he had on him and recorded what the pair were saying amidst their giggling and whatever else Hispanics do in bathroom stalls.
Hoping to get assurances from his listeners that the mean things Yoshi and Pablo were saying weren’t true, Larry played the tape on the air. Although the bit had been approved by Clear Channel management, and what was said on the tape was impossible to make out for the listeners, the Latinos complained that, like America, their privacy had been invaded.
Insisting that their being made fun offended the “honor of their culture,” the same culture that their Latin-listeners floated across the Rio Grande to get away from, the two stall-mates filed criminal and civil charges against Wachs, on the grounds that as an American, Larry had no right to make fun of people that didn’t speak English. Despite the company offering “reasonable solutions to satisfy their ongoing and baseless grievances,” and Wachs’ willingness to agree to never again talk about the duo on the air, as well as to never again use the bathroom within an hour of two Mexicans having gone number two in there, Clear Channel had no choice but to once again terminate The Regular Guys.
In March, 2007, the aforementioned lawsuit was immediately thrown out by the judge on the grounds that it was retarded. But the damage had already been done.
The number of radios being sold on eBay had gone from six radios to 1.4 million overnight. Best Buy and Circuit City cancelled all of their orders for any piece of stereo equipment that possessed an AM/FM tuner, Apple discontinued their line of FM-ready iPods, and throughout the metro-Atlanta area, millions of men and women suffered through their morning commutes.
Sixteen months later, on the morning of January 28th, 2008, as people tuned into 100.5 to hear The Bert Show, instead of hearing a voice-disguised phone call from a woman who thought her boyfriend was cheating, listeners heard the most beautiful sound one can ever hear: the voice of a middle-aged, bald-headed Jew, probably playing that God-awful “My Name is Larry” song, because, like my Athlete’s Foot, The Regular Guys are back!
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Comment by Plagman
on Re: Another American shooting
btw, you know that radio show I wrote about in my last post? I'm interviewing there tomorrow morning for an internship!!!!!