Paragraph,13,Poem=The Price Of Depression
October 29th 2008 20:48
I believe every illness has a price, in which the person who attains it
must pay. In some way or other it takes a toll either physically or mentally.
In my case, it is a mental battle. A struggle daily, to maintain my existence.
And I have certainly paid with all emotions.
The Price Of Depression
Ill , it fell, into the depths of itself.
Where delusions and deceits were, all it would sell.
And it being desperate for a glimpse of light,
bought and paid the asking price.
At first the price was tears,
and so, a river had been shed.
Next it asked for smiles,
until a frown, it got instead.
On and on the list had run,
like someone left the faucet on.
It paid with all emotions,
until the final one was spent.
And the rays of light;
no longer had a way of getting in.
must pay. In some way or other it takes a toll either physically or mentally.
In my case, it is a mental battle. A struggle daily, to maintain my existence.
And I have certainly paid with all emotions.
The Price Of Depression
Ill , it fell, into the depths of itself.
Where delusions and deceits were, all it would sell.
And it being desperate for a glimpse of light,
bought and paid the asking price.
At first the price was tears,
and so, a river had been shed.
Next it asked for smiles,
until a frown, it got instead.
On and on the list had run,
like someone left the faucet on.
It paid with all emotions,
until the final one was spent.
And the rays of light;
no longer had a way of getting in.
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Comment by Lady Henrietta Muddling
Potter in a Harry
You write some great poetry.
I like the length of your poems. It suggests you're sticking to saying just what you want to say.
You also stay on track, and revert the end of your poems back to their beginnings.
I still think you can tweak most of your poems a little. Mainly in relation to cadence, line breaks and getting the words to work more for you.
I'll take your opening line, and see if I can explain without you thinking I'm doing anything other than trying to improve what is already a great poem.
You've written:
I'd consider changing that to:
Illness fell into the depths of itself.
For one reason.
1. The cadence is better.
If, however, you are trying to get across that the fall wasn't rapid, but was a stumbling, staccato type of fall? Then leave it as it is. It's just that falls to me are rapid, they tend to come upon us when we're unaware, and if the words employed suggest that? It works better for me.
As with anything I write in regards to your poetry? It's your poem. I'm just offering suggestions. You are free to take them or leave them.
Comment by jan webb
Depression Grew
Broken Wings
and advice. I still can't stop thinking about, The online
plea, blog you wrote. I showed it to my niece today
she really got a laugh from it! If I need a laugh, I just
go and read it again....