Pain of Insanity
August 9th 2007 23:26
I don’t want to argue, I don’t even want to fight. I suffer constant torment, not by those around me but by the horrible prison that is my own mind. The pain I feel is worse than any I could ever imagine and yet no one knows it but me. But I need someone to know, I need someone to understand. I know I should not have to endure this pain any longer, not alone. But not death, I don’t want to die; taking ones own life is a terrible sin, and on top of that it’s a crazy thought that an intelligent person could take their own life. What reasonable person would want to end the very existence that gives them such pleasures as knowledge and emotion? And I know they’ve heard It a hundred times before, the demeaning statement that you have so much to live for, a statement used only to give you a perspective on other people who have it worse. But in the end that idea that is meant to give reassurance of life only reassures the fact of how little it matters, because we can never see through another persons eyes, nor understand another persons perspective, we can never truly understand because we are incapable of doing so without adding in our on bias’s and opinion’s. So the truth of the matter is, if some truly has the irrational will to die they will continue to have it no matter what you say so give up on them and try to save the ones who want saving. But don’t give up on me.
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Comment by Wendi
I believe we all have our internal prisons, the dark abyss of pain and hopelessness that we feel no one else can possibly relate to or understand. And I think we all have those thoughts of "discontinuing". That's not to say we're suicidal... nah, let me rephrase...
I've felt the same way. I've fallen to my knees, gripping at my hair, torn from limb to limb by life's cruelty, and begged... absolutely begged the Universe to stop the ride and let me get off. That's not to say I was suicidal, because I'm not. I'd never willingly abandon life or my children or loved ones, but there's no doubt that life has this strange way of beating me down to nothing and leaving me exhausted and feeling like I don't have the strength to live one more day... and hope? Oh, man... that's when it's just gone. Live another day... for what? To fail more? To feel like I'll never be enough? To fall short again? What's the point?
Oh... and that's where I "turn".... and I get so damned frustrated because I feel like if I could just understand the damned purpose, maybe then I could "cope" with the pain... for Heaven's sakes, is it "for" anything? Show me what I'm hurting for so I can handle the pain. If my pain in some way helps my children, so be it... bring it on. If my pain somehow helps me evolve as a human, then okay, I can deal... but most of the time, when I'm lost in that deep, dark abyss of suffering, hopelessness, and isolation, I can't see the "purpose" behind it, and I feel at the end of it all as though I was only born to suffer... to pay off some sort of twisted karmic debts, to pay for crimes I don't remember committing in past lives...
But the positive side to that is that contrary to the belief that what goes up must go down, in Wendiland, the reality is that what goes down must in turn go up... we bounce back, we "spring" back to our feet and when the fog has cleared and the sun is shining again, we can look back in retrospect and begin to recognize some sort of purpose or value in the experience... at least that's how it works for me.
Find your buoyancy... and hold firm to hope.
Wishing you the best,
W