Overcoming the defeatist mindset
December 18th 2008 04:30
I've moved back to the same state, after living interstate for over a decade.
My mother was here for a couple of days. As a pensioner she rarely travelled to visit me interstate as it was costly.
Now I'm back in the same state, she can drive a couple of hours to the city and stay over at my place.
She enjoys the fact that she gets to spend time with me.
I guess we're making up for some of the time I was away.
Ironically, I feel like a lot of role reversal has happened in the last few years.
Never more obvious to me than recently.
My mother went out one weekend, and I was temporarily sharing a house in the same town she lives in (after just leaving the interstate city and moving back to home state).
When I say "went out" I mean out partying and had a few drinks...
She is in her early 60's and likes to socialise.
Unfortunately, the person I was temporarily sharing with brought her, and several of his friends and some of my mother's back home where I was asleep.
After all, it was 2.30am.
They rocked on till 4am.
I didn't know my mother was one of the party animals until I was recounting the story to someone in front of mother, and she said "I was there..."
I was not impressed!
Just yesterday, here in my home in the city suburbs, we were preparing to go out for dinner with my brother.
So, in the lead up, I made my mother go into the bathroom and use my skin care products to pamper her skin.
I was quite surprised to realise she had no idea what to do.
I literally had to walk/talk her through it... "use this, apply this way, take it off this way, then do this and then that"...
Ironically, she has been troubled by bad skin outbreaks (subsequent to an illness and medication) and she had been caking her skin with horrible foundation to cover it all up.
Her skin always looked so dull.
Well....
It took me all of my willpower to stay calm and not become annoyed with my mother during her stay and especially during this little pamper session.
I heard every defeatist reason why she couldn't do this or wouldn't do that, whether it was assumed cost of skin care products being expensive, or too hard to find in the country town she lives in, or too time consuming or her skin was just so bad it needed all that caked makeup...
Sheesh!
I bit my tongue.
I bit hard.
And we continued the pamper session.
She cleansed once.
Then I made her cleanse again.
The cruddy make up was still coming off.
I made her wash her face.
Then when her bare and wrinkled and spotted face appeared in its natural state in the mirror and I heard every defeatist emotion spoken out loud, I made her open and place on her face a skin mask sheet... a kind of Hannibal Lector comedy skit came to mind.
Still she did as she was asked.
And after 15 minutes, I let her take it off and massage the moisture into her skin.
Then I had to literally threaten her with some kind of embarrassment to stop her caking the foundation on all over again.
I gave her instructions on how to apply it lightly, and how to cover the spots.
When my brother arrived minutes later I asked him to take a look at Mum's skin and say the first thing that came to mind.
She looked "brighter, glowing, healthier"...
Then I told him why.
I now have a convert on my hands.
With just that little bit of reinforcement that came without prompting, she was able to see her skin with a renewed sense of care, and woke the next day aware that her skin felt softer and healthier.
Less defeatist, now.
More curious, though convinced initially that all my skin care products must be soooo expensive (therefore justifying her inability to spend money on them because she is on a pension...)
I have converted her in that area too.
Cleanser - $8 a bottle and one of the best on the market.
Face mask sheets - $1.25 each.
Literally for less than $10 she can afford to buy a cleanser for every day use that will last about a month, and a mask sheet that is sooooo amazing and yet so cheap that she could stock up on them for a month and spend about the same as the horrible foundation cost her.
Which she will use less of now anyway.
Not only did I overcome the defeatist mindset, I gave my mum's self confidence a boost, and helped her relearn the special importance of pampering.
And it didn't cost much, but was priceless.
My mother was here for a couple of days. As a pensioner she rarely travelled to visit me interstate as it was costly.
Now I'm back in the same state, she can drive a couple of hours to the city and stay over at my place.
She enjoys the fact that she gets to spend time with me.
I guess we're making up for some of the time I was away.
Ironically, I feel like a lot of role reversal has happened in the last few years.
Never more obvious to me than recently.
My mother went out one weekend, and I was temporarily sharing a house in the same town she lives in (after just leaving the interstate city and moving back to home state).
She is in her early 60's and likes to socialise.
Unfortunately, the person I was temporarily sharing with brought her, and several of his friends and some of my mother's back home where I was asleep.
After all, it was 2.30am.
They rocked on till 4am.
I didn't know my mother was one of the party animals until I was recounting the story to someone in front of mother, and she said "I was there..."
I was not impressed!
Just yesterday, here in my home in the city suburbs, we were preparing to go out for dinner with my brother.
So, in the lead up, I made my mother go into the bathroom and use my skin care products to pamper her skin.
I was quite surprised to realise she had no idea what to do.
I literally had to walk/talk her through it... "use this, apply this way, take it off this way, then do this and then that"...
Ironically, she has been troubled by bad skin outbreaks (subsequent to an illness and medication) and she had been caking her skin with horrible foundation to cover it all up.
Well....
It took me all of my willpower to stay calm and not become annoyed with my mother during her stay and especially during this little pamper session.
I heard every defeatist reason why she couldn't do this or wouldn't do that, whether it was assumed cost of skin care products being expensive, or too hard to find in the country town she lives in, or too time consuming or her skin was just so bad it needed all that caked makeup...
Sheesh!
I bit my tongue.
I bit hard.
And we continued the pamper session.
She cleansed once.
Then I made her cleanse again.
The cruddy make up was still coming off.
I made her wash her face.
Then when her bare and wrinkled and spotted face appeared in its natural state in the mirror and I heard every defeatist emotion spoken out loud, I made her open and place on her face a skin mask sheet... a kind of Hannibal Lector comedy skit came to mind.
Still she did as she was asked.
And after 15 minutes, I let her take it off and massage the moisture into her skin.
Then I had to literally threaten her with some kind of embarrassment to stop her caking the foundation on all over again.
I gave her instructions on how to apply it lightly, and how to cover the spots.
When my brother arrived minutes later I asked him to take a look at Mum's skin and say the first thing that came to mind.
She looked "brighter, glowing, healthier"...
Then I told him why.
I now have a convert on my hands.
With just that little bit of reinforcement that came without prompting, she was able to see her skin with a renewed sense of care, and woke the next day aware that her skin felt softer and healthier.
Less defeatist, now.
More curious, though convinced initially that all my skin care products must be soooo expensive (therefore justifying her inability to spend money on them because she is on a pension...)
I have converted her in that area too.
Cleanser - $8 a bottle and one of the best on the market.
Face mask sheets - $1.25 each.
Literally for less than $10 she can afford to buy a cleanser for every day use that will last about a month, and a mask sheet that is sooooo amazing and yet so cheap that she could stock up on them for a month and spend about the same as the horrible foundation cost her.
Which she will use less of now anyway.
Not only did I overcome the defeatist mindset, I gave my mum's self confidence a boost, and helped her relearn the special importance of pampering.
And it didn't cost much, but was priceless.
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