Oscar Fever
February 27th 2008 22:23
A celebrity blogger with Oscar fever
Oscar Fever gripped me two nights ago. I wasn’t groped by a South American boxer named Oscar de la Fever. I wish. I mean Hollywood Oscar fever gripped me. So much so, I didn’t just get stomach cramps, I’ve decided to write a film.
For entry in the Cannes Film Festival. A serious film. One critics can discuss. One for study at universities in the drama department.
I’ve never written a film before, but how hard can it be? I mean, I watch films, and read film reviews. And film reviewers profess to know more about films than people involved in them. So I’ll use film reviews as a guide.
I might have only been on Orble a week or so, but already I’ve established myself as a writer. By the weekend, I’ll be an accomplished screenwriter. I’m enjoying blogging, and the trappings that go with being a successful achiever. To think, I’ve already got a film in the pipeline, and am what they call ‘a player’ in the film industry. Who would have believed it possible?
Sometime over the weekend, I’ll read up on acting, directing, producing and distribution on film review blogs, and by Sunday I’ll be an established auteur with my own film production company. I’ll have the script finished by Saturday night, and start shooting on Monday.
It hardly needs stating, but I’ll be basing the film upon my own life.
So the star will be elderly lady – me (wrinkles and all). A sort-of anti-Hollywood-starlet film. A celebration of the beauty of elderly women, or women past one prime but in another. A true feminist movie, yet one without a rally scene or any cameos by Germaine Greer. A rebel movie with a cause. An arthouse version of Titanic – set on dry land.
I’ll put the screenplay on Bloganymity. But, not the whole script. Not until Tuesday night, when I’ve finished editing the film, had a private screening, and spoken to Cannes talent scouts. I don’t want anyone stealing my idea.
I’ll put a teaser / trailer on U-Tube to get the public excited.
I’m not sure what I’ll name it yet. I’ll worry about that after lunch.
The film is about the journey of a letter. (That’s the logline, synopsis, theme, plotline and linear jouney out of the way. It really on leaves characterisation. Oh and conflict. And a goal. And high stakes. I’ll add them as I go along).
It’s about a handwritten letter. A letter I wrote to my childhood sweetheart. Forty years after we lost contact. The film will follow the letter everywhere it goes from the time I write it, until the time my childhood sweetheart gets it. And beyond. (So, it’s an arthouse action romance thriller).
In real life, my childhood sweetheart is a postie. One of the last Australian pushbike posties, so it should be a fascinating journey. (Well, there’s my working title. The Last Australian Pushbike Postie).
Before we lost contact, he used to tell me about what happens to our letters once we put them in the post box, so during the film, the audience will get to see just what happens to their mail once Australia Post and posties get hold of it.
It will also be about what happens to the letter after my childhood sweetheart gets it. That’s if he gets it. I don’t want to give too much away yet. Or put in a spoiler this early in the process. Let’s just say there will be a few plot twists and an unpredictable ending.
Now I’ve planned out the film, I’d better start writing it. (I won’t worry about formatting or anything like that. It’s hardly necessary).
Okay. Let’s see.
I’ll be 60 when the film starts. In the film that is. I’m older than that now. But that’s nothing a bit of makeup can’t fix. If I put flashbacks in, I might have to hire a young actress to play the younger me. 50 would be about my limit these days.
So, you’re sitting in the cinema. The lights go out. The film opens with this beautiful, elderly woman writing a letter. With a pen. On paper. In beautiful handwriting. She’ll be in a slip or petticoat. At a desk. In a drawing room. With lots of books. Overlooking some exotic, overseas café society in a seaside town. (You’ll be able to hear the social noises through the window). She’ll sigh. (You’ll hear it in surround sound).
Dear John, she’ll write. Even though, technically it won’t be a Dear John letter. That’s her childhood sweetheart’s name in the film.
Then, she’ll suddenly think it quite sacrilegious to be writing such an important letter in a petticoat. She’ll get up and leave the room. You’ll wonder, what the bloody hell is she doing? A few seconds into the film, and already there’s intrigue. And we’ve met the mysterious main character.
Then you’ll see her in her bedroom, after you’ve seen a few of her possessions. You’ll get to know quite a bit about her by the interior of her bedroom.
She’ll be dolling herself up, while she reminisces about the time she dolled herself up for her childhood sweetheart for their fateful last meeting, just before they lost contact. (There’ll be a flashback here. [Makes note to self. Hire a young beautiful actress this afternoon]). I might even do the flashback in black & white. Or sepia tones. In the flashback we’ll see how they were planning to get married, but she had to go overseas. And how they promise to keep in contact by letter, and marry as soon as she can return.
She’ll change petticoats. In fact she’ll change all her undergarments. I want this to be a tasteful nude scene of a wrinkled elderly woman.
Camera Angles for Nude Scene
Already, I’m on a winner here. The elderly will flock to see this. I wont even bother about the youth market. They can go and watch whatever it is they watch nowadays.
I’ll be back later. I just have to nut out and flesh out this flashback scene a bit.
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Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
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Comment by James Rickard
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Angling Fish
Comment by Ann 1
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To be perfectly honest, I wouldn't know. I did notice a couple of 'best of' posts. You'd probably have to ask the blogger in question.
And now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go and work on my award acceptance speech.
Ann
Comment by jon
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Thanks,
Jon.
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Comment by Damo
For the Sake of Argument
My Apologetics
I'm thinking of breaking new ground with a 1 hour Kazoo solo interspersed with some ambient playing of the spoons.
Comment by JohnDoe
Film & TV on DVD
Comment by Ann 1
Wordophilia
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If I was younger, I'd go for you. There's just something about active men who go fishing to a woman with a bookshelf above the stove jam-packed full of seafood cookbooks.
I'm joking. It's my way of saying I appreciate your comments.
Ann.
Comment by Ann 1
Wordophilia
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To quote myself (a bit vain, but) this is what I wrote:
It sounds great. I found the email from Charles. I've added him to my address book. I'll go through the inactive blog list, choose something from there, and email him.
Ann
Ann.
Comment by Ann 1
Wordophilia
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I pity your partner. When I'm not envying her. You sound like a fun guy.
Ann.
Comment by Ann 1
Wordophilia
Bloganymity
I would love to make this film with a spoon soundtrack. I'll consider the kazoo solo for the opening and finishing credits.
The only problem is, I'm advancing so much in film knowledge already due to the excellent adivce I get from bloggers, I'll probably play the spoons tonight over dessert, conquer the art completely, and end up doing the soundtrack myself. I'll probably just set the tape recorder up on the kitchen bench.
On the upside, I'm so busy writing this film, I don't think I'll have time to master the kazoo. So on my production list sheet, I'll pencil you in as muso for opening and closing titles.
Ann.
Comment by Ann 1
Wordophilia
Bloganymity
Do you have your motorbiike licence?
Ann.
Comment by JohnDoe
Film & TV on DVD
Comment by Ann 1
Wordophilia
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I'm trying to write an arthouse romantic thriller here, not a documentary on the life of George W Bush.
Ann.
Comment by JohnDoe
Film & TV on DVD
Comment by DuskDevi
Rugby World Cup 2007
So it's a comedy then?
Oh hang on...it's not documentary on the life of George W Bush?
Okay. So it's a blessing.
Good stuff. You're certainly doing very well for a week-ling. You'll soon be giving the popular bloggers (like MS Paint) a run for their funny.
DuskDevi
Comment by Ann 1
Wordophilia
Bloganymity
I'll pencil you in as the bicycle stunt double. Just in case.
Ann
Comment by Ann 1
Wordophilia
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Lovely to see you visit.
I certainly didn't set out to write a comedy, but I'm rapidly gaining the impression from the comments, people aren't taking my film as seriously as they should be.
I'd like to think the film belongs to a new genre relating to the aged. Let me see. Film Genre: Grey. It's a grey film.
I really like that. It puts a whole new spin on the term weakling. I wonder what the term is after you've been at if for a month.
Ann.
Comment by Michaelie
Flick Wit
Michaelie
Comment by Ann 1
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That's a lovely thing to write.
I only hope such a flattering comment doesn't put so much pressure on me to perform that I buckle under the strain of it all.
Ann.
Comment by Lilla
Enviro Warrior
An Extra Ordinary Life
Dream Herald
((laughs)) and ...*shiver* ... I dread the day that I look like I need ironing and hope it never comes ... I admire your courage - a cause indeed.
I can only hope for a happy ending to this flim, where true love sees only the perfection beyond all the unavoidable creasings and dog eared envelopes ... an action, thrilling-adventure indeed.
I have the happy ability to 'hear' written words as melodies ... and love the soundtrack so far ...btw I can play the spoons, if you need some authentic, ancient ambient rythyms to add poignancy to any softly strummed strings during the letters journeys...
Lilla...
Comment by Ann 1
Wordophilia
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It’s high time us elderly women started some movement like ‘Reclaim the Wrinkle’ or something along those lines. We could have a national nude Seniors day. All march up to Parliament House in Canberra and just get our gear off. They can’t arrest us all.
There’s probably other things we could do. Calendars are a bit ‘last week’ as the young say. But perhaps we could do a deal with Sunbeam or LG and get them to put images of our naked bods on their irons. They could do an ad campaign with all that technology of an elderly lady ironing her husband. After he dies. To save on mortician fees. And have a naked burial out in the forest.
I'm not sure whether to have a happy ending or a sad one yet. I'm still on page one. I might have got a bit ahead of myself last week thinking I'd have it finished by now.
I'll certainly consider a spoon duet by you and Damo for the soundtrack.
Ann.
Comment by Lilla
Enviro Warrior
An Extra Ordinary Life
Dream Herald
Some of these ideas, have great merit..
Lilla ....