Not With Your Eyes
To be labeled and titled in a way that is foreign or strange to your new way of thinking when you have been conditioned for many moments to think and live a certain way, can sometimes if not many times be dramatic and totally out of ones comfort zone when one actually reflects on the situation that is at hand. I say that because as I am growing right in front of your eyes in text, I find myself doing things I would not normally do when you blink. I don’t do it personally or to mis-lead you or try to create something that is not a reality for some of you, but do it for my own self selfish gratification to understand the things I have never understood. You see I find myself constantly moving towards moments that are totally unknown like one of my cats, and as you read my theories over and over again, it has occurred to me that the many days in between me showcasing them, are lost or unknown moments and memories to you that you have no idea about, that creates the many things I write about. You know in living out many moments most of my life, I have been living it as if it wasn’t my own. In looking back and completely reflecting on the things I have done, haven’t done and am now attempting to do, it is and was like watching a movie, a play or television show you watch each and every week. You know, something that catches your attention, having you wondering what in the hell is going to happen on this episode, and how you would do this different or excel on the same difference in ways that are comfortable to you. On everything I am worth, I swear to you that when I enter into this frame of mind about what I am about to write about, it is a miracle I am still alive, seriously. I am not discounting any of the drama anyone else has gone through, but the things I have done, the shit I have gotten myself into and the places I have been, could have easily been my gravesite if I would have done this differently, or done something else a second or two faster. As you have gathered, I have been going through some pretty drastic shit this last year, and have been judged, praised, put down, left for dead, risen and excelled to keep sharing with you my next moment as the ones behind me, keep laying themselves out, over and over again in my head and on your screen. I guess you can honestly say that I am in love with the emotional fact that I am loving life to the fullest and the imaginary hatred that fuels me to overcome it time and time again. Maybe I am a strong black man, a weak human being or whatever else is between that. I just might be ignorant to what I am facing, paranoid on staying who I am, not satisfied on what I have become or none of them at all. Whatever the case, I find it tremendously stimulating to grow as I am now one step closer to my fate. What has always been a fear of mind as long as I can remember is getting myself into situations where I didn’t have a choice. That to me is so scary that I find comfort in keeping my options open which is maybe one reason my involvement in personal relationships never really worked out in the past. I can also say that I have never been one to feel a need to specifically give myself to another person because to do that, I felt I could not give all of me when part of me was somewhere else doing God knows what. Its something I had to seriously face when I was looking in the mirror about two years ago, and to see the reflection looking back at me in my lavish two story home overlooking the Pacific Ocean with all of the amenities that would make the most fabulous, famous and Robin Leach proud, I found it empty as a water gun in the Mojave dessert and more. Like the late great Luther Vandross croons, sings and states in one of his classic songs, “A house is not home unless love is there”, it was then and only then, did the dream I had once before I got slapped in the face with this reminder, that I understood what I had became. I was emotionally sterile and solely focused on my career, so upon this discovery I had to learn, re-evaluate and re-teach myself and remember that to actually compromise and share in all that you are and want to be with some one wanting, no needing the same thing, meant more to me than what can be built or visually admired. It was both spiritually uplifting and emotionally devastating to look into the mirror one second and see this very cosmetically accomplish man, and in a split second later, see someone that I used to despise and swear I would never turn into. To say I had an epiphany would be doing a dis-service to the word and those before me that actually had one, because this is where I think I entered into this phase of my life and I begun living it like I have always needed to. So as you have been exploring, absorbing, listening to the music, viewing and laughing with me in all of my theories, know that in between me thinking about what to write, where I want to take you in my words and then putting them down on paper, there are tears flowing in joy, pain and within everything in between on a level that would make your tears cry.
A while back, I was in conversation with a woman that found me attractive and was drawn to me in ways I don’t really I think I understood at the time when this was being presented to me. We would talk, interact electronically and create situations that could of honestly lead me to think that I could be happy with her in ways I don’t think I was ready for. She said to me, “AD, if you actually found a woman that accepted you for all that you have, could you do the same and grow with her in ways not dictated by you”. I answered that question with yes so fast, that I am not sure she even got a chance to fully pronounce the last syllable. You see at the time, I felt I was the complete package. Young, rich, successful, not that bad looking, knew which fork to use at the dinner table. Had the toys, the homes, freedom to do what I wish and more, and could not understand why a woman wouldn’t think I was a great catch. But now in reflecting yet once again, I now see what she was referring to and asking me, because I was fully so into myself, that I was shitting out ADGere logs when I went to the bathroom. You see I am and was so guarded and insulated by so many things, situations and people pulling at me in ways I didn’t even understand, that I was not even me most of the time, but someone that had been built up to reflect or repel anything that was not in my path or direction of cosmetic success. Let me further this journey by taking this theory of emotion to the physical aspect, to help you understand how far off course I was, in traveling down the yellow marble road. Imagine you are with some one physically, or simply, about to enter into this kingdom for lovers. You two have been talking, bonding and speaking in ways that makes you think that this may be something you are willing to invest time in. He has a good job, she has a good job, you both have been heart broken in the past and seeking out love in the future and now in the midst of re-discovering the passion you have always wanted, and it is right there in the present in front of you. You are freezing moments, laughing, having that civil war within yourself and slowly tearing down that wall that many in the past have helped you place bricks in. You are feeling this person, I mean really feeling the way they are touching you and you have allowed yourself to let them violate you in ways that have you stimulated mentally, physically, emotionally and more. You enter into the bedroom, slowly throw caution to the wind, remove your coat of armor and allow yourself to become what you have been when you are all alone pleasing and pleasuring yourself. They kiss you, start to rub your body all over, sucking, nibbling and now feeling all over and inside of you to see if what they are now physically doing to you is working, and how well. You are in the moment, they have earned this right and you now are giving them the direction to your lustful body to fulfill your loving heart. Now you two have been talking about everything from the weather to current events and you feel as though you know this person. You feel you two are on the same level, and they know you based on the time and interaction as much as they could, and you with them the same. You have even talked or spoke about being sexual before now, not really intimate because you are somewhat still guarded, but sexual with each other beyond ways you know you need and want to be. You have hinted at what you want to do, like to be done to you and more, and the hormones and wants have taken this scenario to a height that brings upon a nose bleed. Even when you were on the phone and they were at their house talking to you, you were masturbating, playing with yourself and imaging that you were them and your fingers and hands was there’s while you started to pant, moan and dream of ecstasy. But you haven’t really told them anything but what’s on the surface, and now you have this need in the heat of battle to go deeper. You never told them that when you enjoy being kissed, you do so in a certain way. You never told them that when you say a certain word a certain way, which means that you want certain things to be done to you and vise versa a certain way. You are entering into a battle without a sword now, and you are gambling on a victory and now hoping for a win, instead of guarantying not a loss and a good fight, based on your preparation. Any battle tested General knows that all battles and wars are won before the fight, but you haven’t made it that far up the chain of command, and you are still a Corporal, trying to lead this troop into foreign and sacred land on the day of battle. You see what I am saying is that if I am on the phone with someone and the conversation has gone to a sexual place and they are in the mood and telling me about it, I want and need to know everything. I wasn’t like that before because in some many ways, what they thought didn’t matter; I was doing them a favor. That’s the lesson I learned and trying to convey to you today. At some point in your life, you have to submit to gain, and until you do that, you might as well be talking to a mirror, and convincing the person that is talking back at you, what you are trying to do and say. I reminded myself of that two years ago, and that is why I need to know how they like it now, how they sound when it is being done to them and what will make something, something else, based on the information I have to work with. You see in my experiences, I feel we all like things and to not fully utilize them, is a domino affect that can bring upon an uncomfortable moment. Say a woman talks a certain way when she wants something and the man doesn’t pick up on it or recognizes what is being presented to him, the woman now will not find that fulfillment she in her way, was actually begging for, and the moments there after, will be tainted and performed at a lower level. Same goes for the man, and that’s why I feel the most important part of communicating, is listening, not talking. Apply what is also heard is important, but one must be able to trust ones self, to actually give trust or love to another, that’s why giving is much more powerful than receiving. So you se I didn’t get that when the woman I was talking to was asking if I could fully and truly give myself, and only when I wasn’t thinking of myself, did I find myself in a blissful place, loving something other than me. Life just like love to me, is a rhythm, and to not be on the same beat, can mess up the synchronization of the making of a classic and great song that can be played and recorded over and over again. I have religiously preached that in my opinion, the reason most marriages, relationship or involvements end or are not what they claim to be is communication, or the lack thereof. I also believe that as far as men or males goes, one reason they cheat or go outside of their relationship to satisfy others areas they need satisfaction in besides being insecure within themselves, is because they are not getting what they desire at home. I am not saying it is the woman’s fault, because he might not have conveyed to her the importance of his need, and only hinted it to her as a want. But from interacting with many others, that is the consensus, and the direction in this theory. Lets just say that if I am sexually eating a woman out, oh, excuse me, intimately performing oral sex with a woman and she didn’t tell me or even worse, if I didn’t ask or catch on that when my tongue goes in and out of her slowly, and up and down fast on her clitoris, she explodes like a water hydrant, and I do go in and out fast and from side to side slowly and she stays dry as a bone, then that’s my fault, not hers because it is her I am pleasing in this moment, not me, and I didn’t care enough or wasn’t in tune with something greater than myself for that moment. That’s what I talk or write about in the theory, “When was the last time”. Where a man or the reason most men go to strip clubs and go home and bang the hell out of their wives, is because they are only physically there with their wives after the trip to the Jiggly Room, and mentally somewhere else with a six foot blonde named Cinna-buns who is teasing the next contributor to the N.S.C.F (National Stripper College Fund). I am not saying that what ever a person ask the other person to do in and out of the bedroom or in life that they should just unconsciously do it, but in the brick laying stages of the relationship when the foundation is being laid to build the building, i.e. relationship, many things need to be addressed. Like if a person wants to further their education or career, and not comfortable having children until they are satisfied within themselves, and then all of a sudden, a couple years into the relationship after it has been fully understood on what’s on the table, the other partner starts hinting that they want children when the other is still in the self gratifying process, that might bring upon a problem. Maybe not a problem on the surface, but a crack in the foundation they once laid that will eventual surface in other areas of the relationship and break up the building, i.e., the relationship. Why is that you may ask, well that comes from not establishing what one may want and what the other may need, and not knowing or communicating the importance of ones wants, the others desires and the vital needs of the relationship. You see to me, success has been my down fall as far as my personal growth and interacting with many. In my past, the women I have met have either tried to live up to this imaginary person I have never described, or tried to take advantage of a person that they thought I was without knowing anything about me. They were like me in a way in my past, and only heard themselves speaking on non-relative things trying to prove a point, when no point needed to be proven and they were accept for who they were and going to be, not what they are not. Like in business, most people are not who they say they are, and project you on a stereotype instead of the person you may be. It’s not a personal ploy to degrade you or to put you down, but a focus on your ability to handle something much greater than yourself, your contribution and involvement in your company so to speak, not you. How I have heard many times that certain people are like this, others are like that and the way to get this or that is a way that them themselves have never reached, attempted or known. I relate that to relationships, and think about how that 70 year old couple stayed together for 45 years and you try to advise them and tell them how to do what they have and you can’t seem to do it yourself. Its communication and the lack thereof, that makes the possible hard for some, and the impossible easy for others.
I recently was in conversation with someone that asks me things on relationships and my take on the entire dating and single scene, and was astonished on the negativity that surrounded this person’s point of view. Instead of telling me or the person they were interested in the many great qualities they have to offer, they were concentrating on the things they felt were inadequate within them. They told me at least a hundred times that all they could bring to a relationship was themselves, like there was another person lurking in the dark, and that the many other things they felt were needed, were lacking or significantly absent. This is where I say a team or partnership is at its best. With no competition in the relationship, each party can concentrate on uplifting their skills and giving what may not be seen, but felt and insulated within the growth. Take knowledge, passion, a person’s heart or leadership, those things can not be seen like the air we breathe, but can be applied in ways that can inspire others and keep life worth living. Everyone in my opinion brings a lot to the table of life, and though some things a person may want to hide and showcase at the same time of presenting things naturally, it is only those that look at the glass as half full or empty that notice what is needed or discarded. In my view, everyone is perfectly flawed, and is lacking in something as they are more than sufficient in others. A person may have a low educational level formally, but may be street wise and see things another person can not imagine. Some are over weight, some lacking self esteem or confidence, but may also process the gift of being a great cook, father or mother, child or parent or whatever they are overlooking or flaunting at the same time. It is very sad to me when I sit back and think about the many things we as people dilute in our own importance in and to this society. It is the journey, the path that is the most gratifying thing to me, not the destination, though knowing where you are going makes all of the difference. It is those frozen moments, those elements that can not be replaced in our own contribution that makes things work. I wonder if a screw or nut & bolt could think and talk like us humans, would they be negative on their importance and be jealous or envious of the things that get attention that they actually hold together. It’s the small things you don’t see that makes what you do possible. That’s why I say that many discount themselves, and are so blinded by the light that they forget the importance of the power or light switch that turns on the bulb. That’s why I say that after a moment, another moment can not be forgotten about, due to its importance and how you can respond in a manner that can make the next moment either good or bad. Also living up to ones responsibilities, and understanding that though things may never be what they were when we screwed them up, they can actually be better if we can learn our lesson and get pass it unconditionally. When you are in a joyful bliss state if mind or your world is full of excruciating pain, there is a process that is both pro survival and pro-self justification. There is a guilty undertone, a feeling of responsibility and inadequacy as there is a will, need and desire to forget and to go into some level of denial to block out that feeling of gain or lost. So as you leave a situation, understand that you are now entering into a new one, and how you leave and enter this new one, will be the way you will do the next, and so and so on. That’s where realizing where you are at is important. How you got over weight, why you may not be able to understand, why you keep bumping and colliding into the same wall and or where you are going and doing to self medicate yourself while looking into that mirror you are desperately trying not to face. It seems that we all want what we want right now, and for some reason think that when we get it, we can handle it when in many cases and times, we are not prepared for it. My friend said or asked the question best when he stated in one of his songs, “I wonder if Heaven has a ghetto and does Hell have a penthouse?” I often wonder if fairytales come true. Do they exist or do I sabotage them in my quest for utopia or survival in comfort and control? I sit alone sometimes and make myself believe in things I know I can not handle, as I overlook the things I can contribute to when I am need and they face me. Even when I cry, I forget about why I am crying sometimes, which makes the prequel and aftermath of the feelings forgotten about or diminished, and the tears keep flowing though they are now on the inside. I live in the moment, cherish the moment but know I am human and at times wish to fix what is right and break what is all but right. You see there is no better feeling than love. The love for self, life, money, lust or whatever. It is not really the thing that you may think it is many times, but the way is transpires and affects the other things in your life, is beyond definition. That is why love is so powerful. When deeply involved in the saturation of its essence, it can make or break the best of us, and either takes us to heights unknown or depths not yet discovered. I have learned to cherish my joy as I have the pain, and somewhat hover around in the middle trying to balance the two. I have learned that my house is not home, and my success means someone else’s failure. Even in times where I have lost things or someone, I reflect on the old statement that, “Sometimes it is best to let some thing go to see if they return. Now if they do return, you can or will appreciate them even more and if they don’t, they have given you a chance to grow and learn from whatever the reason you wish to apply your own answers”. But it’s hard to love as it may be to live. It is easy to hate and survive, because that requires no emotion, no real joy and nothing worth dieing for. So let’s communicate a bit more. Write to me, listen to my music, absorb my words and recycle them back to me or a stranger that may not look like it, but you can feel that they may need a little extra something from a different angle to see what they can not feel. My name is Anthony Douglas Gere, and if nothing else, with this moment, I would like to re-introduce myself to you unconditionally. Because I now have felt the pain, felt the joy and seen what I was once blinded to. I guess that is what really happens when you look into the mirror, and communicate with yourself when you see, your tears cry, not just your eyes –
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