New Hope
If you have found yourself guided to this blog by the divine will of God Almighty, then welcome! For this is a place where all warriors for Christ can gather. You can read about my continuing efforts to bring the "Empire" of God's Eternal Heaven to all those on Earth, as well as the details of my ongoing struggle with the "Rebel Alliance" -- homosexuals, feminists, non-Christians, Jedi's, and atheists. You are encouraged (and hopefully motivated by the "Force" of God) to contribute the details of your own exploits against the enemy, as well as some Star Wars facts/gossip!
I would like to start this off with one example of how I have tried to live the Word of God, only to be repelled by the godless, soulless heathens I encounter time and again wherever I go. This particular encounter happened to take place at the local Stop and Shop. A couple weeks ago I was shopping for my usual groceries (unleavened bread, meat from animals that do not chew their own cud, honey, which I mix with specially-ordered locusts, Fig Newtons, etc.) when I noticed the lobster tank. It is always with extreme distaste that I pass by this area of the store, as it states in Lev. 11:9-12 that "And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you: They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination." I know that Christians nowadays are more than happy to hit the all-you-can-eat shrimp fest at Red Lobster and double-fist crab cakes, but it's right there in black and white in the Bible, people. There are those Christians who say that when Jesus shed His Blood for our sins, that the old covenants were abolished. I've read the Gospels 357 times, and there's no place where Jesus says, "Ye, I say unto you, try some shrimp dip." What we have here is people turning against God's message because they feel it isn't "relevant" anymore. Well, if God wanted it edited out, he would have sent a Holy Ghost writer to take care of that.
So, finding myself confronted by these scaly, clawed, aquatic agents of sin, I suddenly was filled with rage against all those who defile God's Word. I'm sure it was very similar to what Jesus felt when he knocked over the money changer's table at the Temple. I'd ignored this issue for too long: it was time for action. Doing my best to remain calm, despite my nausea at being so close to such unclean beasts, I approached the seafood counter and ordered all the lobsters (17 total). At first the counterman, who was wearing a teal apron and was undoubtedly a homosexual, seemed to think I was joking, but I used a "mind trick" on him by telling him I was a caterer, and he began packaging up the rubber-banded hellfiends.
Once all of the lobsters had been deposited into my cart (stacked all at one end so as not to touch and defile any of my food) I quickly ran to the canned goods aisle and then to the checkout. God's Justice is not cheap, my friends, and the lobsters totaled in at over $250. If charging so much money to eat animals which are an affront to God is common practice in our sick society, it's no wonder the world is consumed by so much filthy sin!
I paid and wheeled my cart out into the parking lot, to an area where few cars were parked. There, where all could see and observe true Godly behavior and obeisance to the Lord, I took the lobsters out of the cart, removed them from their bags, and laid them out on the ground. I flinched at the contact with such impure creatures, but such sacrifice is necessary if one is to bring God's Word. Stepping back from the very, very slowly moving pile of lobsters, I regarded their sinfulness with contempt. In Leviticus, the penalty for defying God's Word, or being unclean, is death by stoning. I have not attempted to stone anyone for several weeks now, having just narrowly escaped arrest the last time. Since stoning people was out (for now) these lobsters would have to suffice in the meantime. But, having no stones, I was forced to pelt them with string beans, of which God had directed me to buy 25 cans. I grasped a can of beans in my hand, and felt a surge of God's righteousness and power flow through my arm. I let fly the can and it traveled straight and true, like an American missile into a crowd of godless, hellbound Iraqis. It hit with a satisfying crunch, and a lobster fragmented into several nasty bits.
A crowd had gathered now so I shouted, "Observe the Law of God as judgment is passed on these foul and unclean creatures! Know that just as these beans smash these lobsters, so will your souls be smashed by the canned beans of Satan unless you repent your wickedness!" It was at that point that the store manager came out, threatening to call the police. He appeared to be Jewish, so I appealed to his faith that these abominations had to be destroyed (normally I would never even attempt to converse with a member of God's former chosen people, disgraced as they are for the murder of our Lord, but this was a special circumstance). As it turned out, he wasn't actually a Jew at all. I had simply assumed that he was, as he had the hooked nose and the shifty-eyed stance of the Semite. Now the whole crowd, atheistic ingrates all of them, joined the manager in shouting at me to get away. If you can believe it, store clerks actually started scooping up the lobsters and bringing them inside! I hurled a couple more cans quickly, to try and drive off the purveyors of sin and smash some more lobsters, narrowly missing a stooping stock boy's skull in the process. The scene dissolved into a haze of blue lights and wailing sounds. In the background I heard a loud voice yelling at me to drop the cans and put my hands up, but I was locked in my fervor, battling for God, and paid the voice no heed. It was then that God's power coursed through me, filling the vessel of my body so strongly and swiftly that I collapsed in pain. Later I was told that that was the effect of the taser, but I know differently. The next thing I knew, I was handcuffed by the authorities and subjected to rough treatment. A little taste of the Passion, to keep my pride in check and secure my humility.
The store declined to press charges, on the condition that I pay restitution and never shop there again. I was inclined to argue, but my court appointed lawyer (pretty sure he was a Jew as well, but I didn't bring it up) advised me to take the deal or risk 30 days jail time. Prison is filled with atheists and perverts, as we all know. Perhaps I failed God, but I did not have the courage to go into that Lion's Den. I now shop at Hannaford's.
Does anyone else have an example like this? I know I can't be the only one who has tried to enforce God's laws in this fashion, I would be curious to hear how it has gone for other Stormtroopers for Christ!
Speaking of Stormtroopers, has anyone heard any news about the upcoming Star Wars TV series?
I would like to start this off with one example of how I have tried to live the Word of God, only to be repelled by the godless, soulless heathens I encounter time and again wherever I go. This particular encounter happened to take place at the local Stop and Shop. A couple weeks ago I was shopping for my usual groceries (unleavened bread, meat from animals that do not chew their own cud, honey, which I mix with specially-ordered locusts, Fig Newtons, etc.) when I noticed the lobster tank. It is always with extreme distaste that I pass by this area of the store, as it states in Lev. 11:9-12 that "And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you: They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination." I know that Christians nowadays are more than happy to hit the all-you-can-eat shrimp fest at Red Lobster and double-fist crab cakes, but it's right there in black and white in the Bible, people. There are those Christians who say that when Jesus shed His Blood for our sins, that the old covenants were abolished. I've read the Gospels 357 times, and there's no place where Jesus says, "Ye, I say unto you, try some shrimp dip." What we have here is people turning against God's message because they feel it isn't "relevant" anymore. Well, if God wanted it edited out, he would have sent a Holy Ghost writer to take care of that.
So, finding myself confronted by these scaly, clawed, aquatic agents of sin, I suddenly was filled with rage against all those who defile God's Word. I'm sure it was very similar to what Jesus felt when he knocked over the money changer's table at the Temple. I'd ignored this issue for too long: it was time for action. Doing my best to remain calm, despite my nausea at being so close to such unclean beasts, I approached the seafood counter and ordered all the lobsters (17 total). At first the counterman, who was wearing a teal apron and was undoubtedly a homosexual, seemed to think I was joking, but I used a "mind trick" on him by telling him I was a caterer, and he began packaging up the rubber-banded hellfiends.
Once all of the lobsters had been deposited into my cart (stacked all at one end so as not to touch and defile any of my food) I quickly ran to the canned goods aisle and then to the checkout. God's Justice is not cheap, my friends, and the lobsters totaled in at over $250. If charging so much money to eat animals which are an affront to God is common practice in our sick society, it's no wonder the world is consumed by so much filthy sin!
I paid and wheeled my cart out into the parking lot, to an area where few cars were parked. There, where all could see and observe true Godly behavior and obeisance to the Lord, I took the lobsters out of the cart, removed them from their bags, and laid them out on the ground. I flinched at the contact with such impure creatures, but such sacrifice is necessary if one is to bring God's Word. Stepping back from the very, very slowly moving pile of lobsters, I regarded their sinfulness with contempt. In Leviticus, the penalty for defying God's Word, or being unclean, is death by stoning. I have not attempted to stone anyone for several weeks now, having just narrowly escaped arrest the last time. Since stoning people was out (for now) these lobsters would have to suffice in the meantime. But, having no stones, I was forced to pelt them with string beans, of which God had directed me to buy 25 cans. I grasped a can of beans in my hand, and felt a surge of God's righteousness and power flow through my arm. I let fly the can and it traveled straight and true, like an American missile into a crowd of godless, hellbound Iraqis. It hit with a satisfying crunch, and a lobster fragmented into several nasty bits.
A crowd had gathered now so I shouted, "Observe the Law of God as judgment is passed on these foul and unclean creatures! Know that just as these beans smash these lobsters, so will your souls be smashed by the canned beans of Satan unless you repent your wickedness!" It was at that point that the store manager came out, threatening to call the police. He appeared to be Jewish, so I appealed to his faith that these abominations had to be destroyed (normally I would never even attempt to converse with a member of God's former chosen people, disgraced as they are for the murder of our Lord, but this was a special circumstance). As it turned out, he wasn't actually a Jew at all. I had simply assumed that he was, as he had the hooked nose and the shifty-eyed stance of the Semite. Now the whole crowd, atheistic ingrates all of them, joined the manager in shouting at me to get away. If you can believe it, store clerks actually started scooping up the lobsters and bringing them inside! I hurled a couple more cans quickly, to try and drive off the purveyors of sin and smash some more lobsters, narrowly missing a stooping stock boy's skull in the process. The scene dissolved into a haze of blue lights and wailing sounds. In the background I heard a loud voice yelling at me to drop the cans and put my hands up, but I was locked in my fervor, battling for God, and paid the voice no heed. It was then that God's power coursed through me, filling the vessel of my body so strongly and swiftly that I collapsed in pain. Later I was told that that was the effect of the taser, but I know differently. The next thing I knew, I was handcuffed by the authorities and subjected to rough treatment. A little taste of the Passion, to keep my pride in check and secure my humility.
The store declined to press charges, on the condition that I pay restitution and never shop there again. I was inclined to argue, but my court appointed lawyer (pretty sure he was a Jew as well, but I didn't bring it up) advised me to take the deal or risk 30 days jail time. Prison is filled with atheists and perverts, as we all know. Perhaps I failed God, but I did not have the courage to go into that Lion's Den. I now shop at Hannaford's.
Does anyone else have an example like this? I know I can't be the only one who has tried to enforce God's laws in this fashion, I would be curious to hear how it has gone for other Stormtroopers for Christ!
Speaking of Stormtroopers, has anyone heard any news about the upcoming Star Wars TV series?
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I think I've read that quote - it's somewhere in the back...
God's Stormtrooper