My mom just came home to die!!
July 19th 2007 02:20
They just brung her to her home in Illinois 11 hours away from me, to die. No feeding tubes, no IV's, nothing. She wanted it all out and is now just all morphined up and can't eat. Just incoherent basically.
Now all i can do is wait for the call, or for her to come back out and eat. want to live. She wants to die and i understand. I would to if i was her. I understand all of that. i sooo understand it but it doesn't take away my hurt, my tears, that over whelming feeling that i want to, need to, HAVE to throw up.
"I can't keep doing this. she's dying, she pulled through, she's dying, she pulled through again. My stomache can't take it, my mind can't take it, my freaken heart can't take it. <tears> I don't want her to die, but Jesus, if she is and is soon, can't we just get it over and down with so i can freaken breath again.
I can feel my grandma right now. I know she's here for me and i know she will get my mom when the time comes. I know she will hold me up at that funeral home with all those people taht will freaken pretend they care, but i will nknow they didn't. I will have to cry in front of all of those people. I am an ugly cryer, They don't love me and i don't want to have to cry in front of them. I do have aunts and uncles that love me, and love my mom. They don't know what she did. Charlie won't probably be able to go and be there for me. Densie offered and for that i am thankful, but i can't make her. My kids will be there.
Wonder if all thses tears will be for nothing. All this gut wrenching pain in my stomache for nothing and she'll wake up, eat and once again want to live. I don't know the answers to these questions. I hate that i'm sooo freaken far, and that i have no one there that will let me stay with them because they are all sooo freaken self absorbed. I can't just go there and stay there and wait. I have to go when the time comes, but i want to hold her hand, kiss her forehead, tell her i love her and i forgive her and tell her to forgive herself. She won't forgive herself. No matter how much i beg and pleade, she'll never do that. Can't she just do it for me.
Tammy
Now all i can do is wait for the call, or for her to come back out and eat. want to live. She wants to die and i understand. I would to if i was her. I understand all of that. i sooo understand it but it doesn't take away my hurt, my tears, that over whelming feeling that i want to, need to, HAVE to throw up.
"I can't keep doing this. she's dying, she pulled through, she's dying, she pulled through again. My stomache can't take it, my mind can't take it, my freaken heart can't take it. <tears> I don't want her to die, but Jesus, if she is and is soon, can't we just get it over and down with so i can freaken breath again.
Wonder if all thses tears will be for nothing. All this gut wrenching pain in my stomache for nothing and she'll wake up, eat and once again want to live. I don't know the answers to these questions. I hate that i'm sooo freaken far, and that i have no one there that will let me stay with them because they are all sooo freaken self absorbed. I can't just go there and stay there and wait. I have to go when the time comes, but i want to hold her hand, kiss her forehead, tell her i love her and i forgive her and tell her to forgive herself. She won't forgive herself. No matter how much i beg and pleade, she'll never do that. Can't she just do it for me.
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Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
My thoughts are with you,
Tracy
Comment by Wendi
Thoughts and prayers are with you and yours. I know how hard this is for you, and it's so sad when family can't pull together in times of need. You've gone above and beyond, out of your way, to make peace with your mom... I'm sure that means the world to her.
*hugs*
W
Comment by DuskDevi
Rucks and Rolls
Rugby World Cup 2007
My prayers are with you and yours.
Dusk
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
I am so sorry to hear about your mother. I will pray for acceptance and healing
Mis
Comment by JohnDoe
Film & TV on DVD
I don't envy your journey but you may be surprised where some of the positive rays of light come from, just try to keep your eyes open to the little things.
Comment by Ash
Australian Traveller
Flashes of memories
Prayers for you all at this time.
luv and hugs
ash
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
My thoughts and prayers and with you and your mother.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Nickoftime's Sanity Corner
no one can tell you how to feel or what you should say at a time like this...
And so, all I will say is that my prayers are with you and your family...
Peace and white light,
Nick
Comment by Miss Nomer
Comment by JuliaC
When my grandma was dying, all I CAN DO was to pray, and pray, and pray for a slice of hope and that MIRACLE.
Comment by Lily
Ars Poetica
~Lily
Comment by charliesgirl_992000
Histeries, Mysteries and what not
Lifes little slices
Mystical Creativity
Thank you all for your kind words and sweet thoughts. It means the world to me.
hugs, Tammy
Comment by Anonymous