I feel like I might be. Aiden's diagnosis has changed our family dynamics and routines. Right now, our life is a whirlwind of figuring out what will work and what won't. Bedtime has become our biggest challenge....again. Aiden co-slept until he was 2 and 1/2. We finally got him into his own bed, and we could put him in, give him a kiss and that was it. Now, he wants us to stay in there with him. Or he wants to be in bed with us.....again. So we are divulging him. And I know it is probably wrong. But so many kids with autism have sleep issues and I don't want him to suffer any more than I believe he is. I often wonder what is going on inside his head and it pains me that I don't know and he can't tell me.
I am trying my hardest to remain optimistic for Aiden's sake and the sake of our whole family. Some days it is hard. Because I still blame myself. And I do the research, I know the facts.....but yet, I blame myself. Some days I feel like I am digressing too.....but I know I can't. I need to be strong for Aiden and I need to be strong for my family. And I will. Because this will not define Aiden or our family. We will overcome it....
This is totally new for me. Not the tantruming. No, we've been through that. It is the fact that my son no longer lets me comfort him through the tantrum. He hits me. He takes his anger out on me. Almost like he blames me. Maybe he knows I blame myself.
Today his tantrum only lasted about 20 minutes. Not too bad. We've had ones that lasted upwards of 45 minutes. Complete with head-banging and screaming. And me crying. Today I had to walk away to cry because I didn't want him to know I was upset. Our routine was thrown off - his morning cartoons weren't on when he woke up. That was all it took.
We are trying to introduce a new routine and of course, it is met with resistance. Coming in from outside is the worst. I feel bad, because he would stay out rain or shine. But we can't. And he loves his swing and being outdoors. I try to prepare him but it never ends well. WonderPets and a snack can cure it sometimes, but not always.
This is a learning experience for me and for him. And for his younger brother, who watches the tantrums and learns and mimics. I worry constantly and watch for signs of ASD in him. So far, so good. Letting Aiden have his tantrum and get out the energy is hard to watch but seems to work. I am so eager for therapy to start. I think it will be just as beneficial for me as it is for him. Because it doesn't matter how many autistic kids you work with and all the experience in the world. The saying rings true - It is so different when it is your child.
D-day. Diagnosis day. The day I had been dreading for 6 months. I knew, I just knew what they were going to come back and say. I saw the concern on the therapist's face a few weeks earlier when we had Aiden evaluated. I saw, I mean, really watched how he played with our doctor. I loved this doctor right off the bat; he made Aiden so comfortable, which isn't easy for many people. So we talked. And we played. And I watched his eyebrows go up and down at comments my husband and I made or something Aiden did. He left the room. I felt my stomach churning. He came back. "What do you think?” he said. It was more like what I knew. And I was right. Diagnosis - Autism.
Autism Spectrum Disorder, or ASD, for short, encompasses that whole group of pervasively developmental disorder affecting a child's brain development. Sounding like a brain, am I now? I have worked with autistic kids for 10 years, and I saw some signs in my own child as early as 18 months. But my pediatrician, my husband, my in-laws, my parents, and my friends.... everyone, basically, told me I was just worrying too much. I was the new mom who worked with autistic kids who just saw things that weren't there. Or blew small things out of proportion. He wasn't autistic - he just wanted to be alone. He wasn't autistic - he was just picky about food. He wasn't autistic...on and on (and on) I could go. I don't blame anyone. Everyone in Aiden's life loves him so much that no one wanted anything to be wrong. No, I reserve all the blame for myself. Isn't that what moms are supposed to do?
I didn't want things to change, and I didn't want to look at Aiden differently. But I did. The day after D-day, I couldn't help it. Suddenly, he wasn't just Aiden; he was Aiden - with autism. The tantrums, the food quirks, the resistance to change and socialization made sense. Aiden still is a sweet, cuddly kid, although during a tantrum, he will bite, kick and hit. Usually only me. Maybe he blames me too. If I could do anything to change this diagnosis, believe me, I would. Right now, I can just hope all the therapist and doctors and even me can do whatever is necessary to get Aiden to a better place. He is beginning to interact more with his little brother, which is adorable and comforting to me on so many levels.
I am currently pursuing my ABA certification to help Aiden, as well as further my career to help other children like him. We are getting into a routine and have a meeting next month to get all his services in place. He will start a special school in August, and while I am nervous, I know this is the best thing for him. And for me. Because right now he might be Aiden with autism, but one day, he will be just Aiden.
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