My First Real Holiday Season
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Well Happy Holidays to you and please excuse me for not writing for the last week or two, but time has been going as fast and slow as it has been coming. Besides spending My First Real Holiday Season with Tha Heir and Boo Boo Kitty, I have been traveling a bit, getting ready to travel a bit more and celebrating life in a blessed way. Besides seeing old friends, people I thought I had forgotten about, seeing those I can not remember when I see them and having complete strangers turn into friends, enemies and associates, this Holiday Season has been all I could not have imagined and more. In feeding the less fortunate the other day and constantly running into those that have caught a case or streak of bad luck, I basically kept with my own tradition and gave back to the world that produced me and my life, by giving back, my time. From the smiles and tears I have and continue to shed behind and in front of those solid and invisible doors and walls this Holiday Season, it seems as though as much as we give as a people, there are still people out here in the world, needing more, or less of it. Many of my viewers outside of here sent me things that made me feel warm, as I continued to feel the heat to keep my own private hell from freezing over when I do not hear from them or you. At this very moment, my mind seems to be flooded with thoughts to write about. But as I sit and start to write one of my signature Theories Of Thought, another thought comes along and makes me re-write what I have not yet, put down on paper. My memory seems to keep searching and then re-focusing on love, or the lack there of, as I see and have seen so much hate out here in the world, looking for a home to rent, lease or buy in this foreclosure state of mind, many are going through right now. Many ask me, "What do I think about the economy", and I say, " What about it, it is what it is". So what can I do I ask myself via a third person? How can I fight something that I thought I have already defeated or defeated me, and no matter who wins the battle in this war, what do I do then in the aftermath, if I select to fight or turn the other cheek, like Dr. MLK, Jr. said to do, forty years ago? Yes, I mean hell yeah, I have a dream, but I also have nightmares in my world of reality, so it seems as though I am living a life in three different places at the same time, many of the times.
After me, my daughter and Tha Heir feed thousands at the shelter this Holiday Season, they fed us with something that will stay with us forever. While holding an oversized fork to serve the meat to the many waiting to taste this piece of the cow that do not know me from the Son that is being Celebrated on this day, I hear this man ask me, well say to me, "Thank you for volunteering your time to do something special by feeding all of us, and by the looks of it, it looks like you were lucky or smart in chasing that paper early on in your life". I was confused and puzzled with the statement, and he instantly caught on to that and clarified his statement by explaining that his definition of "Paper " at the moment, signified "Money". He said that I looked like I had achieved my goal in chasing paper in my quest for freedom, and he did not know me from Adam after he spent the day or night with Eve. What he did not know that even though I understood his meaning and statement in some sort of way, he should have realized that I was never or ever have, chased "Paper". And even if he signified his word "Paper" with "Money", he should understand and get his facts right because "Money" is not printed on paper, its printed on cotton fibers. And though I appreciated what he said to me, I do not think if I donate my time four or five times for a few hours each day in a year, spend some money on a few things and give back five days out of the three hundred and sixty days I do not, does not make me that special. But on the other end, if you really want to go back and think about this form of mental and verbal genocide, you can say that this was one black man, calling another black man, "A Cotton Picker", in a good and bad way. Yeah thats right, even in this day and time and in the year, 2008, things are differently, the same when we are looking for change in reality and in a metaphorical type of way. After we left the Shelter for the homeless, we also went to the hospital, and we were not ill, just sick of those that are and can not be cured, like all of us. We went there with bags of gifts for the patients inside of there this Xmas, as I seen parents watching their gift from God, fade away with illnesses I can not even pronounce. They looked at me and CJ like the illness they had, as they did not and do not know me or about me, like their illness or why it came to them on this day and this Holiday Season. They looked at us this way and thanked the very God that is calling for them to come home, as we walked away to more than likely, never been seen again by these people, that look, just like me. But I will always remember a question that was posed to me when I was young, that still keep changing with different answers every moment I question or think about what it means to me at that moment. The question, or statement direct towards me one day by a man that was standing in line behind me in the store about 17 years ago in SOHO was; "Who is more stronger, a strong person that does not know his or her weaknesses, or a weak person that understands what their strengths are?" How I took that question was simply complex. You see to me and the examples that were shown to me and the ones I was blessed to select to follow, a person needs, not just wants to, but needs to capture the very essence that is motivating them. But it goes beyond just being in control, is goes to the point and beyond where you are in control of and on being out of control. You understand things you can not comprehend, and that belief is based on your examples, beliefs, and knowledge of self and faith. I remember when I felt I was ready to settle down with one woman, and was still drawn to the very things that were contradicting my thoughts. It was not until I understood my weaknesses that I became naturally strong in my humble opinion, in allowing myself to mature into the man I am now. There are no regrets or praises, though there have been civil wars, image damaging things and more, that came and went in my journey. So how someone else judges you like the many that we are feeding at the shelter, is irrelevant to me. It is knowing you that I think is important, your capabilities and accepting your faith as you continue to try and find out what it is. But like I said, that also changes in each moment, the answer that is, and it is all about controlling and respecting that devil and angel inside of me, that I think is important and so vital to ones development. But back to answering the man that said that I looked like I was successful in chasing that "Paper", I told him this; Money and power, fame and flash, is not me, no where near it. But I knew I could not be where I was and am right now, if I was just doing any ole thing back then, so I stayed single and just fooled around in relationships that were comfortable, convenient and more on a cosmetic level. I did not allow myself to get hurt or involved with anything that I felt could harm or hurt me, because I understood who the people were, that I was involving myself with. I knew why they were there, which made them being there, not a threat to what I was trying to accomplish. It was not until the last 6 months, that I am now in a position to give and not selfishly take. And I am not talking about money, I am talking about me, the person. So yeah, we all struggle, but God will never allow us to suffer, that is by our own choice and accord. So maybe instead of looking at what or where you were that got you to this point, view it as a blessing to be able to now know the difference so you can now get out and only return if you select to. That also made me change my mind on the answer at the moment, to the question this stranger said to me, 17 years ago while standing in line.
In reading many of my emails, I have heard many saying that they want to get in better shape this New and up and coming Year. I have read many resolutions, and wrote down a few of my own. Many say they want to start a diet or stop doing something like drinking or smoking, to improve their lives and the quality in living it. I commend them and all of you that have that same claim, and wish you the best in achieving it. But why stop at getting in better physical shape? Why stop there and maybe go a bit further and firm or tighten up your mental and emotionally stature. Instead of starving your body to lose weight, why not feed your mind, heart and or soul to round it out in ways that makes the physical, meaningless or less important? I have heard many stories on how this last year that is coming to an end, was very trying and had its share of ups and downs. I have heard this in many mantras, and can only say that life, has been the same way, if you really wish to break it down a bit more further. I say that, as I also say that it is within many moments, that good and bad things happen in other moments. But it is amazing on what we all endure, as it is no surprise that we endure and get through them in looking back. We may come out of things a bit more different than when we first went into them, but the thing that can not be forgotten if you are better or worse from the experience, is that you came out of them. "Either you are a part of fixing what is broke or part of the process in breaking it", my mentor would often say to me. So I am selective on what I do, why I do it and very conscience on what it may do to me without me knowing it. I also spoke to my grandmother in silence from afar the other day, but yet so very close I felt to her, as she answered before I could get a word in edge wise. She told me to listen closely to what I do not hear, and hear what I am saying to others, before I say or do anything for any reason. She told me to, "Trust someone or something I have no reason to believe, and give my heart to something or someone that is trying to stop it from beating. In doing so, you will have no expectations and will be doing things unconditionally based on your knowledge on what you can and can not handle". She said so from the after-life, as I now am remembering my life, before she left this earth. I went and seen the movie, "Marley and Me", and laughed, cried and smiled at the things I have, do not have, found and know I will lose in my lifetime. I thought about writing this dramatic Theory for the Holiday Season, but knew that the drama I have is mine, and the thoughts of them, for you to absorb inside of your own. I more than likely thought about you my audience, a little bit more than you did of me, which is why you are smiling right now, and that is okay, because you smiled and thats a blessing and my belated gift to you this Holiday Season. I also seen hope, and things that stretch my imagination, that lets me know how insignificant I am to those that have no clue on who I am and what I am trying to do while being here on earth with those that think they know me and themselves. This was My First Real Holiday Season in many ways, as the others I have shared, seem so far away from my now new reality. So I hope your season went well, and gets better in the worse of times until the next time we meet. I hope your New Years is the foundation of the happiness you seek, as you realize that it matters not how high you go, and what matters is what you do when you are low trying to go when you realize where you are at and need to be. I thank you as usual for hearing me out on My First Real Holiday Season, and may all be with you as you are with and within it, while you also,
Enjoy The Moment, this Holiday Season
