My first ever short story
October 20th 2007 01:35
OK People be kind. This is my first ever short story.
I am not sure about copyright etc so have published most of it to a different Blog. The first few lines are here then you can click through.
All constructive criticism accepted gratefully. i know there is only one way to learn.
here we go.
cheers
Louie
P.S. Thanks for reading it
**
The death was ruled an accident.
There is no such thing.
He could not believe 2 years had passed, Jasmine’s second birthday. He knew time was relative, for Jazz 2 years was her entire life for Ritchie it was 730 long dry days that could have been a life time.
He looked into the room where all the parents and friends had gathered for the party, the presents were piled into the corner; a technicoloured bee hive. Way too many presents. To be expected he thought. That scale would never be balanced, just like a habit, you could never put enough on that side of the scale.
People would always try.
****
He knew he would always think of B on this day, Jazz’s birthday, a different anniversary. His best friend, stolen. He thought of all the things she had taught him. Mostly she had tried to teach him to breathe, in her calm annoying way. She thought that if you remembered to breathe all problems in life could be solved. He preferred to hold his breath; Especially when trying to get out of a jam. He needed the silence, she could never understand how noisy a breath was to him and how afraid of that noise he was.
Fear is noisy, breathing is louder.
She had always thought he was just lazy and wouldn’t put in the effort that breathing properly required, she thought it required way too much concentration for him.
She never did quite understand, the only one that knew him.
*****
Despite his efforts his mind wandered back to the day of her funeral. His stomach turned at the memory; he tried to breathe into the spaces like she said and tried to make a place for himself in this world, their world.
‘Make a space and hold your ground.” She would say.
Those words that advice seemed so empty now. He felt the fire in his belly; paper caught in a candle.
Flames, moved through him, slowly, a tide. His insides were like an inner city shoreline. Subtly changing. Blemishes exposed as the tide falls; Mangroves, mud, stench of sulphur wafting, barnacles gripping, so stoic.
Every breathe a history, every breathe a tide.
CLICK HERE TO READ MORECLICK HEREclick here even
I am not sure about copyright etc so have published most of it to a different Blog. The first few lines are here then you can click through.
All constructive criticism accepted gratefully. i know there is only one way to learn.
here we go.
cheers
Louie
P.S. Thanks for reading it
**
The death was ruled an accident.
There is no such thing.
He could not believe 2 years had passed, Jasmine’s second birthday. He knew time was relative, for Jazz 2 years was her entire life for Ritchie it was 730 long dry days that could have been a life time.
He looked into the room where all the parents and friends had gathered for the party, the presents were piled into the corner; a technicoloured bee hive. Way too many presents. To be expected he thought. That scale would never be balanced, just like a habit, you could never put enough on that side of the scale.
People would always try.
****
He knew he would always think of B on this day, Jazz’s birthday, a different anniversary. His best friend, stolen. He thought of all the things she had taught him. Mostly she had tried to teach him to breathe, in her calm annoying way. She thought that if you remembered to breathe all problems in life could be solved. He preferred to hold his breath; Especially when trying to get out of a jam. He needed the silence, she could never understand how noisy a breath was to him and how afraid of that noise he was.
Fear is noisy, breathing is louder.
She had always thought he was just lazy and wouldn’t put in the effort that breathing properly required, she thought it required way too much concentration for him.
She never did quite understand, the only one that knew him.
*****
Despite his efforts his mind wandered back to the day of her funeral. His stomach turned at the memory; he tried to breathe into the spaces like she said and tried to make a place for himself in this world, their world.
‘Make a space and hold your ground.” She would say.
Those words that advice seemed so empty now. He felt the fire in his belly; paper caught in a candle.
Flames, moved through him, slowly, a tide. His insides were like an inner city shoreline. Subtly changing. Blemishes exposed as the tide falls; Mangroves, mud, stench of sulphur wafting, barnacles gripping, so stoic.
Every breathe a history, every breathe a tide.
CLICK HERE TO READ MORECLICK HEREclick here even
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Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
Comment by DuskDevi
Rugby World Cup 2007
Love that!
Louie...I'm not able to read the rest...even though I signed in to Google, it says "this blog is open to invited readers only".
..sob...
Comment by Michaelie
Flick Wit
Yes I was not allowed either.
But I like what I see so far and would like to know how it ends...?
I loved this, so enigmatic.
Michaelie
Comment by Sonya 1
Freelance Tips
Writing Words
I couldn't see the rest of the story on Blogger, either. Good stuff so far, I want to read more
Sonya
Comment by Mountain Fog
Infognito
Screen Trek
QUOTE ME NO QUOTES!
By the way, depending on the agreement you 'signed' with Orble, depends on who has copyright of everything you post.
I have copyright over all my stuff, I am left to defend it if someone steals it however, Orble will defend if they have copyright, but I do not know where you would stand trying to get a contract with work appearing on Orble, they say they won't stand in the way, but, who gets the royalties?
As I have acted as an agent for an author, right through the contract period to publishing and promotion, I suggest you make sure of where you stand with it all. As publishers only deal with copyright owners.
cheers and keep writing Louie!!
fog
Comment by Aziza Ibrahim
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Do you have Cold Feet?????
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Comment by Mr Nice Guy
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Pop Rock Factory
. . . . or wait - I get it - you've also ventured into creatively marketing your first piece - get em hooked - then get em to buy it - very clever . . .
MNG
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
I also like the line Dusk highlighted very much... I liked it all and wanted to read more, but couldn't log on to read it...dissapointing.
I am left hoping that like MNG : (a) I get a signed copy, or (b) you decide to serialise it here on Random Thoughts?
My first attempt was not nearly as good as this Louie, you have a talent.
Lilla ...
Comment by Louie
randomthoughts
Phil's Wellness Tips
and thinking about tricks, a copyright case could bring lots of publicity anyhow .....
thanks again guys....
and fog PLEASE no matter how anal, let me know about the punctuation, it is the little things that can make a difference and I need to learn. I gre up in the NSW public school system in the era they decided we could learn punctuation via osmosis if we read a lot....clearly that didn't work....
thanks again guys....next edition being uploaded now
Comment by Lara M
Love Speaks
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