Mr. Allen Smith: Manager Extraordinaire
September 11th 2006 05:11
Recently, a friend forwarded this message to me in my Friendster account. It reads: "(Subject Heading: From Mr Allen Smith (Manager of Friendster))Message from Mr AlLEN Smith ( Manager of Friendster ): Friendster SYSTEM is getting too crowded!! We need you to forward this to at least 20 people. know this seems like a largenumber, but we NEED to find out who is using their account. if you do not send this to at least 10 Friendster members, we will delete your account. We want to find out which users are actually using their account. IF YOU DO NOT PASS this letter to anyone we will delete your account. Sorry for the inconvinience."
Apparently, people still get suckered by this all the time. It is to those people that I now say this: THIS IS ALL BULLSHIT. Let us now retrace my steps to uncovering this insidious revelation.
Clue #1: What is the manager's name? Is it "ALLEN", as it says on the heading? Or is it "AILEN", as it says in the message body? What kind of self-respecting manager doesn't know how to spell his name properly? How the hell did he get to such a high position without learning to distinguish between consonants and vowels? I doubt managers from high-profile companies such as MLCROSOFT, BOELNG, and VOIVO are as dumb as him.
Clue #2: I wasn't aware that Friendster had a manager. Wow. In fact, I wasn't aware that a management system in place. I guess they must have one, to manage their multi-billion dollar earnings from... uh, pop-up ads and, uh, well, pop-up ads. Not only that, Mr. Smith is also the manager of such e-mail providers as Yahoo! and Hotmail. I know because I got memos from him in those sites, as well. That's amazing. Such a powerful man in cyberspace. With all that power, you'd think he would have chosen an awe-inspiring title like "Almighty Ruler of Cyberspace" or "Ultimate Emperor" or "King dot Kong". Nooo, he chose... *drum roll, please*... "Manager".
Clue #3: First, he says forward the message to twenty people. A few sentences after, he says to forward it to TEN people. So which one is it? Make up your frickin' mind, Ailen! Geez, with your superior decision-making skills, no wonder you rose to the rank of "Manager of Friendster".
Clue #4: If you look carefully at the message, you will see that some words are written in capital letters. At first, I thought it was a hidden message from beyond the grave. So I took the first letters of the emphasized words and rearranged them to form the magic words: "SPINY DAN". What the f***? That's not right. It should be "Steely Dan", and they're not dead yet (are they?). My conclusion: either a dead porcupine was trying to communicate with the living world or (stop me if this sounds too implausible) this message was written by a spastic idiot with a creepy fixation on the caps lock key and all the attention span of a newborn slug.
Clue #5: In the aforementioned memo, I counted at least five grammar and spelling errors, including starting a sentence using lower case and turning "largenumber" into a compound word. Moron. How many big-shot managers do not have the spell check feature installed in their word processing systems?! Dude, it comes with the frickin' software! Or maybe he's using a typewriter, I don't know. Still, I've got two words for ya: "correction fluid".
Maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe Allen/Ailen really is out there having sleepless nights because of the looming catastrophe of running out of space on the internet. If so, I have my own "memo for him.
Dear Mr. "Smith",
You must be a very important person since, not only do you manage Friendster, you manage Yahoo!Mail and Hotmail as well. Apparently, these sites are also experiencing space shortage. Oh my, what an unprecedented crisis. I understand that you are a very busy man and, because of that, you just sent this "important" memo to one of your friends and let it circulate around the site. However, the fact that you are a busy man does not equate to you being a smart one. If you were, you would have sent out this memo to ALL the users using the site's network. Duh. You must be slapping your forehead in frustration right now. In exchange for this valuable piece of executive advice, I would like a percentage of your company's earnings. If you would just forward your bank account details to hotslutsmortgagepenisenlarger@junkmail.com, my Nigerian business partner will work out the details with you. Thank you.
Mr. "Peter Jones"
Now, if I could only get his e-mail address, I would be able to send this. Of course, I can always forward this to ten or twenty of my friends and hope that it will eventually reach him. Thank God for just six degrees of separation.
Apparently, people still get suckered by this all the time. It is to those people that I now say this: THIS IS ALL BULLSHIT. Let us now retrace my steps to uncovering this insidious revelation.
Clue #1: What is the manager's name? Is it "ALLEN", as it says on the heading? Or is it "AILEN", as it says in the message body? What kind of self-respecting manager doesn't know how to spell his name properly? How the hell did he get to such a high position without learning to distinguish between consonants and vowels? I doubt managers from high-profile companies such as MLCROSOFT, BOELNG, and VOIVO are as dumb as him.
Clue #2: I wasn't aware that Friendster had a manager. Wow. In fact, I wasn't aware that a management system in place. I guess they must have one, to manage their multi-billion dollar earnings from... uh, pop-up ads and, uh, well, pop-up ads. Not only that, Mr. Smith is also the manager of such e-mail providers as Yahoo! and Hotmail. I know because I got memos from him in those sites, as well. That's amazing. Such a powerful man in cyberspace. With all that power, you'd think he would have chosen an awe-inspiring title like "Almighty Ruler of Cyberspace" or "Ultimate Emperor" or "King dot Kong". Nooo, he chose... *drum roll, please*... "Manager".
Clue #3: First, he says forward the message to twenty people. A few sentences after, he says to forward it to TEN people. So which one is it? Make up your frickin' mind, Ailen! Geez, with your superior decision-making skills, no wonder you rose to the rank of "Manager of Friendster".
Clue #4: If you look carefully at the message, you will see that some words are written in capital letters. At first, I thought it was a hidden message from beyond the grave. So I took the first letters of the emphasized words and rearranged them to form the magic words: "SPINY DAN". What the f***? That's not right. It should be "Steely Dan", and they're not dead yet (are they?). My conclusion: either a dead porcupine was trying to communicate with the living world or (stop me if this sounds too implausible) this message was written by a spastic idiot with a creepy fixation on the caps lock key and all the attention span of a newborn slug.
Clue #5: In the aforementioned memo, I counted at least five grammar and spelling errors, including starting a sentence using lower case and turning "largenumber" into a compound word. Moron. How many big-shot managers do not have the spell check feature installed in their word processing systems?! Dude, it comes with the frickin' software! Or maybe he's using a typewriter, I don't know. Still, I've got two words for ya: "correction fluid".
Maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe Allen/Ailen really is out there having sleepless nights because of the looming catastrophe of running out of space on the internet. If so, I have my own "memo for him.
Dear Mr. "Smith",
You must be a very important person since, not only do you manage Friendster, you manage Yahoo!Mail and Hotmail as well. Apparently, these sites are also experiencing space shortage. Oh my, what an unprecedented crisis. I understand that you are a very busy man and, because of that, you just sent this "important" memo to one of your friends and let it circulate around the site. However, the fact that you are a busy man does not equate to you being a smart one. If you were, you would have sent out this memo to ALL the users using the site's network. Duh. You must be slapping your forehead in frustration right now. In exchange for this valuable piece of executive advice, I would like a percentage of your company's earnings. If you would just forward your bank account details to hotslutsmortgagepenisenlarger@junkmail.com, my Nigerian business partner will work out the details with you. Thank you.
Mr. "Peter Jones"
Now, if I could only get his e-mail address, I would be able to send this. Of course, I can always forward this to ten or twenty of my friends and hope that it will eventually reach him. Thank God for just six degrees of separation.
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