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November 13th 2009 14:37
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Movie Mall
Melbourne, Victoria, AUSTRALIA
Joined September 1st 2008
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- About Me
- Ah. Well ... I attended Juilliard ... I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT
Recent Posts The Worst Vampire Movies Of All-TimeSeptember 16th 2009 10:09
Vampire movies have been around almost since the dawn of movies. The entire genre has proven to be harder to kill than the bloodsuckers themselves - no matter how hard some have tried over the years.
It is constantly regenerating. A new vampire flick is a hit in theatres and every movie studio executive and his dog rushes to try and cash-in on the success, even if it means serving up something as tasty as bat shit I guess killing the original vampire movie and making all of the others disappear wouldn't work. THE COUNTDOWN STARTS HERE Of course, it all started with the great Nosferatu, made way back in 1922, in Germany, and featuring Max Schreck as the not-overly attractive Graf Orlok aka Count Dracula. The vampire movie continues today bigger and ... well, we might leave it at just bigger, than ever with the Twilight series. Eight years after that original silent movie masterpiece came two more films based on Bram Stoker's classic 1897 novel, both simply called Dracula, one with Carlos Villarias in the title role and the other with the legendary Bela Lugosi. The man who would make the character of Dracula his own however, appearing as him 10 times throughout a long and busy career was Christopher Lee. It began in 1958, with the somewhat over-used title of Dracula, and ended 14 years later, with The Satanic Rites of Count Dracula. He would though star as another Count, Dooku, in Star Wars Episodes II-III (2002 and 2005), despite being in his early 80s. Lee was quoted as saying, "I stopped appearing as Dracula in 1972 because in my opinion the presentation of the character had deteriorated to such an extent, particularly bringing him into the contemporary day and age, that it really no longer had any meaning." He might have been referring in particular to the work of John Carradine, the father of the recently deceased David (Bill of the Kill Bill series). John didn't play Dracula as much as Lee, but featured in more vampire films in total, over a period of three and a half decades. It all started innocently enough, with House of Frankenstein (1944) and House of Dracula (1945), in which he did play the Count, but in traditional settings, alongside horror greats Boris Karloff and Lon Chaney Jnr. Carradine however would ultimately bring life to Dracula, and other bloodsuckers of his ilk, in any time, any place, as you will see on this list. He journeys to the American West, gets into the ring with Mexican wrestlers, and becomes a pimp in the Philippines. Crazy stuff. It's hard to believe but there have been much worse vampire movie atrocities than anything Carradine has had a part in. Some of the worst have come in the last few years, most notably after Wesley Snipes started kissing goodbye the creatures of the night as Blade, or Tom Cruise started kissing Brad Pitt as Lestat in Interview with the Vampire. Of course, stay-tuned for much more blood-thirsty studios being behind a bevy of vampire films oozing crappiness in the very near future, not least of all the sequel to the one that started the latest craze, Twilight. This list has been compiled by the kick-ass site that is Rogue Joker using the resources of The Internet Movie Database, and includes those 'vampire' films that have rated the poorest. I sure as hell don't profess to have seen many of the films - and I'm not sure I would want to. It's more of a warning. So, here they are, the vampire movies most in need of a stake to the heart ... THE COUNTDOWN STARTS HERE Check out the videos ... There's some absolute shockers!
Midnight Meat Train takes no passengersAugust 24th 2009 00:29
MOVIE REVIEW
CLIVE Barker hasnt enjoyed a hell of a lot of success in recent times when it comes to how his stories have been adapted for the screen. The horror authors works provided the basis for a string of feature film hits in the late 1980s and early 90s Hellraiser(1987), which was based on the novel The Hellbound Heart, and its under-rated follow-up Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988), as well as the unappreciated Nightbreed (1990), adapted from the best-selling Cabal, and finally Candyman (1992), taken from his story The Forbidden. All weve really had in the 17 years since then is the six (yes, six) Hellraiser follow-ups, which have been either direct-to-DVD or made-for-TV releases, and the two occasions the dreaded Candyman has returned. One of the very few original movies adapted from a Barker piece of work in that time is The Midnight Meat Train (2009), and while its certainly no Hellraiser or Candyman at least its not another Hellraiser or Candyman, if you know what I mean. The Midnight Meat Train, from Lionsgate studios and directed by Japans Ryuhei Kitamura, comes from one of the short stories found in Volume 1 of Barkers Books of Blood (1984-1985). And blood is no short supply when it comes to the film. It is extremely graphic, with the innocent passengers of a late-night New York subway train being gruesomely smashed and slashed to death by a brute of a mute, whos a butcher by day and a butcher by night. 
The Midnight Meat Train has eye-popping special-effects. The filmmakers dont hold back and neither does he. For some us at-times sadistic sons of bitches, it is what makes the film. Oh, the glorified brutality. It comes at regular intervals, and often shown in slow-motion. Eyes popping. Limbs extracted. Blood splattering. Gory. Gory. Gory. English soccer player turned cinematic heavy Vinnie Jones (Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Snatch) is at his wooden best as Mahogany (boom boom), a mysterious man who wears a suit to his day job at an abattoir, before spending his nights waiting for the last train to come in so he can do some more carving up of cattle of the human variety. The guy is one sick bastard, in every which way. Mentally and physically. At one stage he is shown slicing disgusting warts of what we learn is his ailing body, and then keeping the little off-cuts in jars in his bathroom cabinet. The films lead is played by rising star Bradley Cooper (The Hangover, Wedding Crashers) though I doubt he will be using his performance in The Midnight Meat Train to help him get that next big role. Its probably not entirely his fault though with his character taking centre stage in an array of horror cliches. You know the ones, like those frustrating moments when someone ridiculously decides to go where they shouldnt. Time after time. Yeah, its a horror. And, yeah, it can be very contrived. 
Vinnie Jones gives Bradley Cooper an old fashioned nipple cripple. Cooper is Leon Kauffman, a budding photographer who goes roaming the city streets in the middle of the night to try and capture that one brilliantly confronting image that will catapult him into his own gallery exhibition, which incidentally would be arranged by Brooke Shields Susan Hoff. After pointing his camera at Mahogany one night after the serial killer has gone about his regular serial killing duties he becomes obsessed by him. Following him home. Following him to his work. Hiding out behind cow carcasses at the abattoir. All the while snapping away Fortunately, for Leons credibility, and sanity, his own stalking mentality is far outweighed by Mahoganys demented killer tendencies. And Leon soon comes to the realisation that this guy who is hooked on hooks and waits for hours down in New Yorks subway system before boarding the last train of the night is actually behind the publicised disappearances of several people from the New Yorks subway system. Then, seeing him actually doing the dirty deed kinda confirms it. His girlfriend, Maya Jones (Leslie Bibb) and best friend, Jurgis Tompkins (Roger Bart) are initially dismissive of Leons ranting and ravings, believing him to be going mad, but they soon see for themselves after breaking and entering Mahoganys apartment in one of those what-the-hell-are-you-doing moments. 
Oh my God, I am so not hungry now, says Maya. (Spoilers ahead) In true Clive Barker fashion however, this aint no simple slasher pic. Theres a couple of twists and turns of the plots knife that keeps things rather interesting towards the ending. Some of the supernatural kind that give the film that extra spice. An obvious one if the fact the trains driver is also in on the human slaughtering, as well as one of the detectives on the missing person cases. Another has Mahogony merely the gofer for a race of blood-thirsty reptillian-type creatures, which dwell in the citys underground. Apparently called fathers, they are a type of grotesque secret society that are kept hidden by certain factions above ground, some of which provide them with their necessary daily intake of people flesh. Mahogany strings up his captured in one of the trains compartments, and then the fathers feast. In the end they take an exceptional liking to Leon. They in fact like him so much that they do not devour him. Well, in a physical sense anyway, but mentally, making him their new butcher, or provider, after he gives Mahogany a taste of his own medicine. Its a changing of the guard, of sorts, with Leon giving in to the fathers demands after Maya and Jurgis both come to rather bloody ending. I wouldnt be surprised if there is a sequel this is a Clive Barker story after all. A more in-depth look at the fathers sounds intriguing. But, if it does eventuate, expect a straight-to-DVD release without Cooper (whos gone on to bigger and better things) or Jones (because his characters dead). RATING: 5/10 Its not overly pleasant, but its worth the ride. Just once.
11 Not-So Shakespearean Actors Doing Shakespeare in 11 Not-So Shakespearean MoviesJune 29th 2009 13:06
Almost 400 years after his death, the work of The Bard, the great William Shakespeare, continues to be adapted for the big screen at an amazing rate - by all and sundry.
An American Werewolf in Remake SadlyJune 29th 2009 12:53
REMAKE is becoming a real dirty word. Just about every time I hear it these days I shudder. Shit, what next? I think to myself. What movie next will those unimaginative, unoriginal Hollywood producers get their mitts on. Well, now theyve gone way too far. Way, way, way too far.
Movie Cyborgs - More bad than goodJune 1st 2009 08:01
In Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, Arnold Schwarzeneggers character describes itself as being a cybernetic organism. We know his type better as simply cyborgs.
9 'Gun' Films Featuring Bank RobberiesApril 12th 2009 11:42
Who Will Play Movie MacGyver? Vote NowMarch 18th 2009 22:21
9 Spoof Movies That Are Actually FunnyMarch 17th 2009 12:07
Total Recall, total remake, total wasteFebruary 27th 2009 03:18
GENERAL RAMBLINGS 
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