Miz Manda

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How to change a light bulb

February 18th 2008 06:16

Working Title: How to avoid electrocution AND avoid living in the dark!

Ever wonder why there are so many jokes about light bulbs? Why often it is taking, 3, 4, 10 people to perform this deceptively difficult task? No dear reader, it is not for purely comedic value. If this was true, these so-called 'light bulb' jokes would not be so lame. So here, for your education, I provide you with my simple to follow steps on performing this complex task.

(1) Light bulbs are made of glass
You would think that such a common household item would have found some way to be transformed into plastic, but no, these things are fragile. Because of this, please avoid 'playing catch', bouncing them to your friend, poking their shards in your eye and other possibly dangerous activities. If it helps, pretend they are an egg. If it really helps, pretend they are a rotten egg, so that you don't try to scramble it for breakfast.

(2) Avoid sticking your fingers in places
I know its fun... unfortunately, light bulb changing, like many menial chores these days, involves NOT sticking your fingers in places. I know you 'just wanted to see', but please don't. Unless your Tom Cruise, then my advice to you is to make sure the switch is on before you poke around. Wouldn't want to waste any time.

(3) If you wouldn't usually stand on it, don't use it as a step ladder.
This rule typically involves things like antique chairs and china hutches, but should also be applied to things that are mobile, like meals trolleys and children. If it's valuable or moves, don't use it.

(4) If it's a screwy top, then it screws in.
Conversely, if its a poppy top, then it pops in. This is perhaps the hardest of all parts of light bulb changing. All too many times have I seen a confused soul trying to screw in a poppy top or pop in a screwy top. Familiarise yourself, and the truth will set you free.

(5) Remember to switch the light on after you have changed the bulb
Don't be confused when you remain in darkness after the act seems to be over. Don't be suprised if you feel a zap when your team mate switches on the light during the task. Switch on after, and you will be free to see the room again, even when it's dark outside. Modern technology has really outdone itself.

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How to successfully catch public transport

February 17th 2008 10:30

Working Title: How to get from A to B without other commuters thinking your a complete douche.

Here in Melbourne, like in any capital city, public transport is a way of life. Watch the lemmings one day, in their grey and black suits, successfully get from home to work. Having trouble understanding the unstated social protocol involved with this seemingly simple process? Confused at what it all may mean? My dear idiot, read on...

(1) If you're going to make eye contact with a complete stranger, break it, quickly!
Yes! Unless you are trying to ensure yourself a sexy time with the object of your desire, I beg of you, do not keep that eye contact going. Somewhat related to this, do not make eye contact with a stranger while baring all your teeth in a somewhat psychotic grin. They might not get it, and it could make for an awkward hour.

(2) If there is a spare seat, that is not practically sitting on someone else's lap, please choose that one.
Now all the non-idiots out here are already well aware of the importance of this rule, however, it seems it does still need to be stated. People like their space, especially away from strangers, and especially if your nether regions are roughly the size of a barge. If confused, just stand for the length of your journey.

(3) Please be reminded that everyone can actually see you
Your invisible cape is broken, sorry. The woman across from you did just see you pick your nose. She watched you as you simultaneously scratched that pimple on your nose and your crotch. That wince, unfortunately, was as she watched you floss food out of your teeth with your hair. If you wouldn't do it at an interview with your boss, baby Jesus, your grade five teacher and your grandmother, please don't do it on the bus.

(4)Nobody cares
So your chatting away to your mates about the weekend on your mobile. Right now, nobody is thinking, "Wow, he must be cool, he has a mobile phone." Also nobody cares much when you've raised your voice a decibel once you've gotten to the part of taking the two hot Swedish backpacking twin models home with you. So keep it down, as the general commuters are not that impressed, we don't really care.

(5) In saying that, yes, we do.
So you've gotten to the part of the story where your on your way to the doctors because you think perhaps one, but most probably both, of those lovely Swedish twins has given you crabs. No matter how quietly you mutter this statement, the lovely old granny down the front of the bus fiddling with her hearing aide heard you. So, we didn't care before, well we do now, and you've just made our day. Remember the hypothetical interview panel before? If you wouldn't want them to hear it, you probably don't want us to hear it either.

If your still having trouble with the social norms associated with commuting, it is my firm opinion that maybe you should just travel exclusively by car.

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How not to be crap while working in customer service.

February 16th 2008 13:38

Working title: How not to piss people off so much that you need an escort to your car at the end of the day.

Ok, it is understood that customer service sucks the big hairy ones, we get it, we know! So your only doing it while your studying/looking for something else/trying to find a place that's anywhere but behind that bar or counter? Even if it's not your career, it doesn't mean that you can't do your job well. Who knows? One day you might go back to your car, and there won't be rotten eggs running down the windscreen.

(1) Those teeth in your head look pretty good when you do this funny thing with your mouth, I think it's called smiling.
It's not too bad once you get the hang of it. People also stop thinking your about to pull a gun on them. Now don't smile like your going to bite them, just like a human being who wishes the once in front of them no harm.

(2) Regardless of how new you are, please try to know something about what your selling/providing
It's not rude for the customer to expect that you provide them with some sort of information about your company's services. Make an effort to learn that if a customer asks you for a long black, that they probably didn't want the chocolate milkshake you just handed them. Why a cosmopolitan is not a bloody mary? Take a little time to stop being ignorant about what your being paid for, and maybe people will stop making that horrid 'ssssst' noise at you when you shrug your shoulders.

(3) If your going to be lazy about it, try not to get noticed.
This goes without saying in any job, but really, you get your arse kicked twice over in customer service roles for this. Your boss will see you, and the customer will see you, and both will say 'Why am I paying you for this?'. Of course only one of them in reality will actually be paying you, the other one just buying things they want. If you bludge creatively, no one will ask these questions, and you may also create new neural pathways in your brain from using it for new things. Exciting stuff!

(4) I will hurt you, badly, if you make a mistake and imply it is my fault.
Really, I will. No I did not order the fruit scone, nor would I ever, as I am horribly disgusted by dried fruit. Just because that's what you gave me, does not mean that's what I asked for, and your role in this is to apologise and fetch me what I asked for. Nothing more, nothing less. Lose the attitude... or I bring in Mr. Stabby.

(5) About that attitude...
Even if you are a 15 yo girl, stop acting like one If your a 45 yo man working in a jewelry store, it's all the more pathetic. Nobody at home cares about your adolescent bitching, why would I? If I have to listen about how hard your life is, really, shouldn't you be paying me for my time as a counsellor instead of your employer paying you with the profit made from my purchase?

All this said... Not many people really appreciate an over interested, over friendly service person. It's actually kind of creepy, and makes one avoid the establishment, from fear of being asked too many questions, or being stuck there for an extended period of time.

Golden rule: Just be cool, yo?

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How not to be a crap customer

February 16th 2008 11:55

Working Title:How not to find spit in your food, lipstick on your glass and maggots in your groceries.

People love to talk about the horrid service they have received. I'm the first one to admit, there are people in customer service that would be much better employed as gargoyles doing casual work for Dracula, but that will all come. I would just love to host a refresher course for everyone, just so the next time you go to a supermarket the cashier does not pull a fake price check on your hemorrhoid cream

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Comment by Miz Manda
on Three: Can I Buy You A Cosmopolitan?

February 18th 2008 12:20

This is the season where Miranda just seemed WAY hotter than in 1 & 2. Almost like she grew into herself or her own style or something. Very definitely a season of hotness for all the girls though.

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Comment by Miz Manda
on Uni Holidays

February 18th 2008 06:42

Lol, a bit late for this one, it's the dreaded O-week this week, which can only mean we all might have to start attending classes soon.

Dangerous.

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Comment by Miz Manda
on THE THOUGHT FOR THE DAY IS.....................

February 18th 2008 06:21

I really like this one, I think I'm going to take it with me.

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Comment by Miz Manda
on Driving around Brisbane - Melbourne

February 17th 2008 11:27

Did Brisbane to Melbourne last week, unfortunately, was purely for transportation, and did not get to appreciate in as much detail as you've shown. That's some awesome background...

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Comment by Miz Manda
on why can't i be my own friend?

February 17th 2008 10:45

Perhaps Orble is secretly a Christian extremist group, controlling self-friendship, because this could perhaps turn into self-love. Once self-love turns physical, you know whose territory you're on then! See, they truly are saving you from yourself!

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Comment by Miz Manda
on How not to be crap while working in customer service.

February 17th 2008 10:32

Glad to be getting the lurves!

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Comment by Miz Manda
on What's Your Hidden Secret?

February 16th 2008 13:45