JessiccaSearching the “Missing” feeling
October 17th 2006 04:31
Just a few minutes ago, my friend suddenly IM me with a queer discussion, as her colleague suddenly lost “the flaming passion” for her boyfriend. And that, to both of us, doesn’t make sense at all.
Then I remembered I learned somewhere between “purpose driven life” and from a couple of sermons. Although it was all about God but I think that sets as a skeleton reference for all sorts of “missing emotions” towards any issue, whether it is regarding a relationship, a business, or an interest.
Why do we loose the “positive feeling” towards something that attracted greatly before?
There is always a key that discourages it. It can be anything, but one thing for sure, it is something negative; because positive things around you never fails to put out the burning passion in you.
“She lost the love feeling for her boyfriend, and she doesn’t know why.”
That was from my friend’s conversation and that has triggered my thoughts of “being lost” in my own relationship.
Part of my relationship and God’s love has been pretty lost when my interest was not focused properly. In the beginning, the passion was all fired up because I keep the interest in my heart all the time.
“When I first fell in love with my wife, I thought of her constantly: while eating breakfast, driving to school, attending class, waiting in line at the market, pumping gas – I couldn’t stop thinking about this woman! I often talked to myself about her and thought about all the things I loved about her. This helped me feel close to Kay even though we lived several hundred miles apart and attended different colleges.”
“By constantly thinking of her, I was abiding in her love.” – purpose driven life, chapter 8
That was what triggered me to think. Then I realised, as the time goes by, we tend to stray and focus on other things, pressures perhaps, and because the human heart is rather less simultaneous actually (based on my own experience), once the focus is off course our flame starts to slow down, the fuel to burn the passion isn’t enough, and eventually, it gets smaller, even fades away.
But there is a problem between the heart and the brain. When our hearts fail to maintain the flame, our brains still have the memories of the good things happen to us when the flame is still pouring. Ironically we always remember what makes us feel good from our opponents, and forgot what we did to make the opponent feel good.
And thus grows – our expectations, or taking for granted.
When our expectations aren’t met, we tend to question the opponent where is their passion for us? We start to pick up the little things that they are not doing for us to keep us happy.
“He’s being dull. I’m just too fed up with making the decisions.”
Because of expectations, we tend to forget that “it takes two to clap”. It takes two stones’ friction to create the spark, and if you aren’t doing your part to be ready for the other stone to hit yours to create friction, the flame will not exist.
This applies to the other party.
That has happened to my own relationship. We are so busy with our things and I was so indulge “doing my best” in many fields, busy working, and our conversation lessened and our effort to keep the flame up wasn’t there.
But that doesn’t mean it is the end of a relationship. As long as you realise the “missing connection” and make a point to improve it, if you still want things to happen.
Many girls in unsatisfied relationships will whine on their girl friends and most of the time, because of pride (yes, we girls have pride too) we’d tell off the girl, “Give him some silent treatment. Make him feel the emptiness and loss for not paying attention to you. Come on girl! You can teach him a lesson.”
But, what about us? Do we still sit at the high and mighty chair and waiting for the sobbing partner coming back to admit faults?
Why shouldn’t we ask ourselves, “Did we give the equal passion to our partners as much as we expected them to give us?”
When I realised my relationship is at its rocks, I was really off course and I wasn’t just lost in the feeling, I also lost in God’s love. Frankly, I lost almost every passion I have in me. It took me a while to search the feeling, but now I am slowly going back on track.
Instead of being disappointed, angry and expecting back the “missing feeling” to come back to us. I started to sit back and find solitude, not away from my partner, but to search back the “lost flame” I once had.
“Where was the missing-like-crazy feeling I once had?”
“Where was the constant-thinking feeling I once had?”
“Where was the first smile that melted my heart?”
“The first feeling?”
“The first conversation?”
“The first laughter together?”
Although the book was talking about purpose driven life for God, but it also teaches us to find our passion towards the things we lost once more.
For my relationship problem, day by day I think about the good memories I had with my partner, and these are the tiny fuels to re-torch the “missing” flame, that once burn aggressively in my heart.
This goes with my relationship with God, and other things that I have lost passion because I let myself to be the centre of the universe and forgot that I am part of the universe.
Then I remembered I learned somewhere between “purpose driven life” and from a couple of sermons. Although it was all about God but I think that sets as a skeleton reference for all sorts of “missing emotions” towards any issue, whether it is regarding a relationship, a business, or an interest.
Why do we loose the “positive feeling” towards something that attracted greatly before?
There is always a key that discourages it. It can be anything, but one thing for sure, it is something negative; because positive things around you never fails to put out the burning passion in you.
“She lost the love feeling for her boyfriend, and she doesn’t know why.”
That was from my friend’s conversation and that has triggered my thoughts of “being lost” in my own relationship.
Part of my relationship and God’s love has been pretty lost when my interest was not focused properly. In the beginning, the passion was all fired up because I keep the interest in my heart all the time.
“When I first fell in love with my wife, I thought of her constantly: while eating breakfast, driving to school, attending class, waiting in line at the market, pumping gas – I couldn’t stop thinking about this woman! I often talked to myself about her and thought about all the things I loved about her. This helped me feel close to Kay even though we lived several hundred miles apart and attended different colleges.”
“By constantly thinking of her, I was abiding in her love.” – purpose driven life, chapter 8
That was what triggered me to think. Then I realised, as the time goes by, we tend to stray and focus on other things, pressures perhaps, and because the human heart is rather less simultaneous actually (based on my own experience), once the focus is off course our flame starts to slow down, the fuel to burn the passion isn’t enough, and eventually, it gets smaller, even fades away.
But there is a problem between the heart and the brain. When our hearts fail to maintain the flame, our brains still have the memories of the good things happen to us when the flame is still pouring. Ironically we always remember what makes us feel good from our opponents, and forgot what we did to make the opponent feel good.
And thus grows – our expectations, or taking for granted.
When our expectations aren’t met, we tend to question the opponent where is their passion for us? We start to pick up the little things that they are not doing for us to keep us happy.
“He’s being dull. I’m just too fed up with making the decisions.”
Because of expectations, we tend to forget that “it takes two to clap”. It takes two stones’ friction to create the spark, and if you aren’t doing your part to be ready for the other stone to hit yours to create friction, the flame will not exist.
This applies to the other party.
That has happened to my own relationship. We are so busy with our things and I was so indulge “doing my best” in many fields, busy working, and our conversation lessened and our effort to keep the flame up wasn’t there.
But that doesn’t mean it is the end of a relationship. As long as you realise the “missing connection” and make a point to improve it, if you still want things to happen.
Many girls in unsatisfied relationships will whine on their girl friends and most of the time, because of pride (yes, we girls have pride too) we’d tell off the girl, “Give him some silent treatment. Make him feel the emptiness and loss for not paying attention to you. Come on girl! You can teach him a lesson.”
But, what about us? Do we still sit at the high and mighty chair and waiting for the sobbing partner coming back to admit faults?
Why shouldn’t we ask ourselves, “Did we give the equal passion to our partners as much as we expected them to give us?”
When I realised my relationship is at its rocks, I was really off course and I wasn’t just lost in the feeling, I also lost in God’s love. Frankly, I lost almost every passion I have in me. It took me a while to search the feeling, but now I am slowly going back on track.
Instead of being disappointed, angry and expecting back the “missing feeling” to come back to us. I started to sit back and find solitude, not away from my partner, but to search back the “lost flame” I once had.
“Where was the missing-like-crazy feeling I once had?”
“Where was the constant-thinking feeling I once had?”
“Where was the first smile that melted my heart?”
“The first feeling?”
“The first conversation?”
“The first laughter together?”
Although the book was talking about purpose driven life for God, but it also teaches us to find our passion towards the things we lost once more.
For my relationship problem, day by day I think about the good memories I had with my partner, and these are the tiny fuels to re-torch the “missing” flame, that once burn aggressively in my heart.
This goes with my relationship with God, and other things that I have lost passion because I let myself to be the centre of the universe and forgot that I am part of the universe.
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