Struggling with the past
December 31st 2006 03:04
Fighting to be thin is something both men and women battle daily, not all but a large majority, an illness I myself battled not so long ago, an illness that is reaccurring too frequently in my mind as of late.
Its scary to think that one part of my mind wants to revert back to old ways, only this time Im much stronger both mentally and physically. Though each day I wake I still feel the need to feel that pain, that releiving pain in my stomach that shows me I have control over something in my life.
Battling bulimia is not just about being thin it is to me being in control of something, especially when other things in my life seem to be far from in control! My control that is!
Though I am told frequently by family and friends that I am thin I dont see it, its something I wish I didnt have to deal with, people seem to look at me in a different light when they learn of this illness Im stuck with. They say how can you not see you are thin you are beautiful, just stop and understand it.. Its easier said than done it is stuck in my mind, something I know I will be battling for the rest of my life. I have not yet reverted back to old ways but the temptation is there, its such relief to hear that familiar growling and to feel that tumbling feeling in my tummy.
Its not hard to see I once battled this the scars on my knuckles show I succumbed to giving into mia! Mia was my best friend, the only thing that reassured me and made me feel better about myself. I wasnt depressed or angry at the world, I just felt out of control, I was siffering severe panic attacks and anxiety disorder that I couldnt control, but once I stopped bringing food to my lips I was in control of something. Food was poison to me something that once brought to my lips would mean to lose the battle. I still feel that now, I still feel that food is poison, even convincing my mind that everywhere I ate, people were putting drugs and poison in my food, so I wouldnt eat it. Sometimes those feelings still accure, the only food I eat is that my mother or myself makes, I dont trust anyone.
I have awful little habits I cant let go of. I will only drink sealed water or eat food in a sealed packet, Once opened and closed I wont open it again because my mind tells me someone has sneakily put something into it!
I was going through old mia journals I had, and the feelings I had from the start of those journals are the same as I am beginning to feel now. I am trying to work out what is making these thoughts reacure more stronger than they usually are. Something that happened back then must have or may have happened again, or something similar of that, to make me think this way again. But I cant understand what it was.. unless it was due to coming out of a long term relationship, that which I am over, and moved on from, so could it be it?
I am already finding myself subconciously skipping meals, that is the start, I will never stick my fingers down my throat, that pain I dont want to feel again. I have strength in that sense I guess that is one positive thing.
I am not writing this blog for attenton or sympathy Im writing it to let it be known that this is a part of me you may get to know. By reading my blogs people will get to know me in a sence, and this is just something else about me.
No-one can change how I feel about myself nor convince me what Im doing is wrong or right, all I ask of those I know is support and to not judge nor treat me any other way that I would treat them in the same situation.
This is who I am, and others are whome they are.
Its scary to think that one part of my mind wants to revert back to old ways, only this time Im much stronger both mentally and physically. Though each day I wake I still feel the need to feel that pain, that releiving pain in my stomach that shows me I have control over something in my life.
Battling bulimia is not just about being thin it is to me being in control of something, especially when other things in my life seem to be far from in control! My control that is!
Its not hard to see I once battled this the scars on my knuckles show I succumbed to giving into mia! Mia was my best friend, the only thing that reassured me and made me feel better about myself. I wasnt depressed or angry at the world, I just felt out of control, I was siffering severe panic attacks and anxiety disorder that I couldnt control, but once I stopped bringing food to my lips I was in control of something. Food was poison to me something that once brought to my lips would mean to lose the battle. I still feel that now, I still feel that food is poison, even convincing my mind that everywhere I ate, people were putting drugs and poison in my food, so I wouldnt eat it. Sometimes those feelings still accure, the only food I eat is that my mother or myself makes, I dont trust anyone.
I was going through old mia journals I had, and the feelings I had from the start of those journals are the same as I am beginning to feel now. I am trying to work out what is making these thoughts reacure more stronger than they usually are. Something that happened back then must have or may have happened again, or something similar of that, to make me think this way again. But I cant understand what it was.. unless it was due to coming out of a long term relationship, that which I am over, and moved on from, so could it be it?
I am already finding myself subconciously skipping meals, that is the start, I will never stick my fingers down my throat, that pain I dont want to feel again. I have strength in that sense I guess that is one positive thing.
I am not writing this blog for attenton or sympathy Im writing it to let it be known that this is a part of me you may get to know. By reading my blogs people will get to know me in a sence, and this is just something else about me.
No-one can change how I feel about myself nor convince me what Im doing is wrong or right, all I ask of those I know is support and to not judge nor treat me any other way that I would treat them in the same situation.
This is who I am, and others are whome they are.
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