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'MIA' was my best friend.. - by vizza

'MIA' was my best friend..

Graphic detail? Or could I go further.

January 20th 2007 02:29

Its nice to wake up and look down to see my hip bones protruding and see a visible gap down to my groin.
Its nice to feel my pants loose around my hips, Its nice not having to suck in at all anymore, though subconciously I still do.
Its not nice to fill a stomach that was satisfied before while empty. Its not nice to feel food in my mouth travelling into my stomach. Its not nice to taste, to smell the sweet poison passing my lips. Its not nice to give into food and let it poison me.
Its nice however to escape to the bathroom enter my fingers into my throat and regurgitate that of which I just consumed.

Its nice to feel my throat prickly and stinging for an hour or so. Nice to feel watery eyes flushed cheeks and pain in my knuckles from biting down.
Its nice to hallow out my stmach rid it of the disgusting.
Its nice to feel mias warmth surround me.

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Words wont sink in..

January 20th 2007 02:21

People really need to stop telling me that what it is I am doing is wrong. I dont know how they can go through repeating themselves to me everyday. Ive said it countless times nothing they can say will break me!
This is my life! It always will be!
I dont know any different anymore. I didnt know who I was before I took up this lifestyle.
I was lost just another person searching for their true self, and then I stumbled across mine, once more. Only this time I wont stop Ill stick to it.
Though, I dont know how my BEST friend, and my WORST enemy, can be the same soul. combined. Something so reassuring can be so damaging.

I acknowledge that I have a problem I appreciate and understand people care. I tolerate their oppinions and respect what they have to say. But I do not accept it. It will not click. What it is they press onto me, It will never sink in, I cant ever see myself clicking.
No-one unless going through this themselves will fully understand what Im goirng through. I dont do this soley because I believe I am overweight and unattractive.
I do this also because before, I had no control I had no direction in life, I felt I was worthless and couldnt graspy life by its reigns. Now I can and I can steer my life in the direction I want to be heading. Im happy this way.
Its offensive for people to even suggest Im discriminative towards those blessed with curves. I have no quams or issues with voluptuous people. I do not find them unattractive or disgusting. I find them beautiful. I am not racist towards those bigger than myself. I am not this way to attack others and theirs. This is about me, VIZZA. I find myself to be unappealing, unattractive. Im not this way to make a statement or to gain attention. Nothing along those lines. I am this way because I had no control before.
I was lost I felt filthy and grotty.
Im not trying to be thin for anyone but myself.
This is me!

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wake up..

January 17th 2007 03:33

I dont wanna ''wake up'' from this. This is now who I am, this is vizza, this is my life.
Mia is my lifestyle.
If Im lost she holds onto me, If Im cold she keeps me warm, Shes my safety.
Im not dreaming anymore Im living again, Im happy.
Im standing in the ocean, chilled water slamming up against my chest causing me to lose my breath. My body jolts. Its refreshing.
Maybe Im so out of it that I am dreaming I feel alive? Sometimes it scares me to think Im not alive and my life is only a mere dream, I feel invincible.
Then..
Im finding it difficult to catch my breath or take one I feel so submerged in water the pressure hard to withstand. Negative thoughts are squeezing through the gaps. I cant sink, the only way to stay afloat is to give in so I do. So to feel alive i cause that pain, I purge.
I have no regrets choosing this road. I splash my face to cool my cheeks dab my eyes and take a few gulps of water to ease my throat. It feels prickly.
Relax.
Sharp yet soothin ache caresses my stomach.
My knuckles are bleeding.. Im calm

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Growing Pains?

January 17th 2007 02:10

No reason for this..
Just because..
Fuck!
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Reverting to old ways is easier than not

January 9th 2007 03:38

I cant sleep.. actually I probably could if I layed down to relax. Im just feeling good right now, and I want to make the most of it while it lasts.
The past few months have been crazy unable to handle anything havent been in control Ive felt so lost..
Its like

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Mia came back to me last night..

January 1st 2007 04:13

Shes back with a sympathetic ear. She understands how I feel. She tells me what Im doing is the right thing. She knows how it feels, she helps me to feel the relief.

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Struggling with the past

December 31st 2006 03:04

Fighting to be thin is something both men and women battle daily, not all but a large majority, an illness I myself battled not so long ago, an illness that is reaccurring too frequently in my mind as of late.
Its scary to think that one part of my mind wants to revert back to old ways, only this time Im much stronger both mentally and physically. Though each day I wake I still feel the need to feel that pain, that releiving pain in my stomach that shows me I have control over something in my life.
Battling bulimia is not just about being thin it is to me being in control of something, especially when other things in my life seem to be far from in control! My control that is!
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January 2007

6 Posts

December 2006

1 Posts

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