pieceofmymindSurviving Grief?
September 6th 2007 09:27
In a couple days, it will be the ninety-day anniversary of my grandmother’s death. It is interesting to look back on my prior blog posts to re-visit some of the feelings I had before she died. It is even more interesting to take a look back on my prior self and realize how much her passing has changed my life.
I knew that things would never be the same without her, so I decided that I needed to redefine my life. In my mind, this was the only way that I could move on, so I found something else to focus on. I decided to take something positive from the life she lived and use it in my own life. I learned so much from my grandmother…things that she taught me intentionally, and things that I learned by her example.
I strive, not to be her, but to be like her in certain aspects. On the other hand, I honestly strive to avoid some of the things she did, especially the smoking. Her situation with lung cancer and smoking, being able to see what it did to her, the way it broke her down and changed her into someone else right before she died; having a chance to see this was hard but still a blessing. As much as I love my grandmother, I know that I couldn’t do this same thing to myself or to my family.
So now I have lost a considerable amount of weight because I finally conquered the “I eat everything under the sun I am not supposed to eat” demon; this was a major thing for me, and it is what I have focused on to keep me grounded in the midst of the emotional chaos I have been dealing with.
It is still not easy, and the pain of losing her is what brings me to finally post to this blog so long after the last post. I look at her picture, and I still can’t believe that she is gone. I have this one picture that someone snapped of us hugging. In the picture she has her hand around my neck and I have my hand on her arm; for some reason, this picture saddens me, but comforts me as well. It is as if my mind needs proof that she was really here and that I really touched her before because now, I long to be with her so bad and have nothing to ease the pain. Sometimes it hurts so bad I will just hug myself and think “Hey, at least this is what she felt when she hugged you.”
The pain is still there. I have finally gotten to the point where I can have a fond memory of her without crying, but I still just have an overall sad feeling when I think about her. She used to tell everyone that I was a genius because I have always been like super intelligent. I went back to school in May of 2006, and she was so happy with that. I was recently inducted into Phi Theta Kappa and Gamma Beta Phi. I was also selected for inclusion in the 2006-2007 National Dean’s List publication. I feel like a “35-year-old prodigy” or something. Who would’ve thought that I would still be able to hold down a 3.9 GPA after so many years out of school, imagine that. My grandmother would be so proud; and to think that in about seven months, I will walk across the stage to graduate with my first undergraduate degree, graduating with high honors…it hurts so bad that she won’t be there with me. But hey, she has already done her “hard time” on planet Earth, so now it is time for me to finish out mine. I know I said this before, but I have to say it again; don’t miss out on opportunities to create memories with your loved ones. Go by and see them, call them, let them know you love them; I am telling you that tomorrow is not promised. I was one of those “I will call them tomorrow” or “I will go by tomorrow” people…now I am wishing that I would have just took the time.
I knew that things would never be the same without her, so I decided that I needed to redefine my life. In my mind, this was the only way that I could move on, so I found something else to focus on. I decided to take something positive from the life she lived and use it in my own life. I learned so much from my grandmother…things that she taught me intentionally, and things that I learned by her example.
Lonely Hearted, Missing Granny
I strive, not to be her, but to be like her in certain aspects. On the other hand, I honestly strive to avoid some of the things she did, especially the smoking. Her situation with lung cancer and smoking, being able to see what it did to her, the way it broke her down and changed her into someone else right before she died; having a chance to see this was hard but still a blessing. As much as I love my grandmother, I know that I couldn’t do this same thing to myself or to my family.
So now I have lost a considerable amount of weight because I finally conquered the “I eat everything under the sun I am not supposed to eat” demon; this was a major thing for me, and it is what I have focused on to keep me grounded in the midst of the emotional chaos I have been dealing with.
It is still not easy, and the pain of losing her is what brings me to finally post to this blog so long after the last post. I look at her picture, and I still can’t believe that she is gone. I have this one picture that someone snapped of us hugging. In the picture she has her hand around my neck and I have my hand on her arm; for some reason, this picture saddens me, but comforts me as well. It is as if my mind needs proof that she was really here and that I really touched her before because now, I long to be with her so bad and have nothing to ease the pain. Sometimes it hurts so bad I will just hug myself and think “Hey, at least this is what she felt when she hugged you.”
The pain is still there. I have finally gotten to the point where I can have a fond memory of her without crying, but I still just have an overall sad feeling when I think about her. She used to tell everyone that I was a genius because I have always been like super intelligent. I went back to school in May of 2006, and she was so happy with that. I was recently inducted into Phi Theta Kappa and Gamma Beta Phi. I was also selected for inclusion in the 2006-2007 National Dean’s List publication. I feel like a “35-year-old prodigy” or something. Who would’ve thought that I would still be able to hold down a 3.9 GPA after so many years out of school, imagine that. My grandmother would be so proud; and to think that in about seven months, I will walk across the stage to graduate with my first undergraduate degree, graduating with high honors…it hurts so bad that she won’t be there with me. But hey, she has already done her “hard time” on planet Earth, so now it is time for me to finish out mine. I know I said this before, but I have to say it again; don’t miss out on opportunities to create memories with your loved ones. Go by and see them, call them, let them know you love them; I am telling you that tomorrow is not promised. I was one of those “I will call them tomorrow” or “I will go by tomorrow” people…now I am wishing that I would have just took the time.
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