pieceofmymindMy Easy Button Isn't Working.
July 3rd 2007 13:58
This blog started with me sitting here at my grandmother’s dining room table every morning in agony as I constantly watched her to make sure she was still breathing as she slept. During that time, I often referred to myself as “psycho-grand-daughter” because it seemed a bit extreme for me to do that, but I couldn’t help it. This morning, I had to come over early to help my mother with something. Just as I did when I was helping take care of granny, I arrived very early, at about six o’clock. It now feels weird to come here that early. I have been up all morning, and it seems that I have just been sitting here listening to the house.
Everything is different now, but it seems that I can still feel her. That could be because we were so close, it could be because we had her cremated and her cremains are very close by sitting in the urn we purchased, or it could be just because that is my personal experience – at any rate that is just how it is for me. Being here, in any part of this house, reminds me of her. It even smells like her. As I sit here preparing this blog post, I look over, and there is no more granny lying in bed sleeping. If I close my eyes, my mind can take me there, and it seems that I am back in time to about six weeks ago; but once I open them, it is all back to normal and she is not here.
When Does It Get Easier?
It seems that everything in me is trying to hold on to my grandmother; no part of me wants to let her go. In my mind, I know that I have a multitude of responsibilities and miscellaneous things to take care of, but outside of logic, emotion takes over.
Grieving is a learning experience, and I am right in the middle of class…I will say this to anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one – it is not easy. I honestly thought that when my grandmother passed away, it would be sad and then it would just get easy; while this may be true, I honestly thought that it would be easier sooner. I look at the calendar and realize that it still hasn’t even been thirty days yet, and I have to ask myself “Who am I kidding?” When you are someone like me who is used to being in control, someone who is on top of things, someone who is usually the one that everyone comes to for help with things…it is not easy to succumb to the feelings involved with the overwhelming grief of losing a close loved one, but no matter what, there is no detour through this part of life, for anyone. If you feel like crying and you don’t, the tears will still come out. If you get drunk, when you sober up, the grief will still be there. If you get mad at others as a result of not handling your pain well, when you calm down, you will still be hurting, but you will have hurt someone else in the process. If you go on vacation, the grief is still there. Why? Because it is so deep in your heart, you can not get away from it. The pain is so great to the point of feeling like reaching inside yourself and trying to sooth it, but that is not possible either – like I said, no detour.
In sharing my grief with the world, I hope and pray that there is someone out there who can relate to me when they read my words. I hope and pray that my words are a blessing to someone in this world, wherever you may be. If you have lost someone, my heart goes out to you as you begin, or continue, down the road of the process of grieving. If you take nothing else from me, please know that you are not alone.
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