Matters Of The Heart: Talking About The Tough Times

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Matters Of The Heart: Talking About The Tough Times - by pieceofmymind

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Matters Of The Heart: Talking About The Tough Times - June 2007

Sharing My Grief With The World

June 29th 2007 02:49

It has been 19 days since my grandmother passed away, and if I wasn’t keeping track of the days, I would swear it has been a lifetime since then. Everything in my life seems to be going in slow motion, but the rest of the world is moving along as if nothing has happened. Thank God for mental stability, because if I didn’t have any, I would be somewhere standing in the middle of the street hollering at the world: “Hey, could you stop going on with your life as if nothing happened? MY GRANDMOTHER DIED!!!!!!!”

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The world, the same world that befriends you when you are on top and kicks you when you are down…this same world doesn’t give a care when you lose someone who is close to you. Where is the love? Your job gives you three days for bereavement, three days…that’s not even long enough to fully begin the grieving process. Friends and distant, well, very distant family members come around to offer their condolences, and while that is very much appreciated, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t tired of hearing that same old line: “I’m so sorry to hear about your grandmother.” If you ever have a friend or anyone you care about that loses someone close, my advice to you is to say nothing; just show up with your arms wide open, and be the shoulder to cry on, and the friend they can rely on. Take them food, make sure they eat, make sure they have everything they need, and only stay as long as you are needed; you will know when it is time to go – the family might need your help, but they need space too. Losing someone will take you on an emotional roller coaster ride that will lead you to neglect yourself; you need someone there to help you get through it. More importantly, please don’t tell them everything will be alright because it doesn’t feel like it, and sometimes, that minimizes the grief…this is the last thing I want to hear – I am so tired of hearing that, and anyone else who has gone through it, or is going through it now, can probably relate all too well.

Grief is like a bad drug. It can turn a strong-minded, stubborn, driven young woman into a weak-minded, depressed soul. It can make relationships stronger, or destroy them. It can change your life. This is what is happening to me. The loss of my grandmother has revealed to me the strength that she contributed to our family. Even if she was doing nothing but sitting at home, I knew that she was there; I found strength in that. I found strength in the way that no matter what we talked about, she always managed to make it so that I was never, ever wrong. I could be in error, but she was always on my side; she was that person who was able to put aside the need to correct me because she was determined to protect me and be there for me. Now that she is gone, I realize that these things made such a big difference in my life.

Oh God, if I could just stop experiencing the pain all over again; I was there, I was there, but no matter what, when I think about it, it is like realizing that she is gone all over again. I thought I had already experienced the worst pain I could ever experience. I’ve been told many times by older adults; whenever I said that…they would always tell me “Keep living.” They were so right. Life has so many twists and turns; one minute, I am thinking about the fact that we haven’t taken my grandmother out to eat in a while…then the next minute, I am writing her obituary and helping to plan her memorial service. I am a spiritual person, and I come from a spiritual family. My grandmother was one that you could always find reading her Bible every night before bed. I take comfort in the fact that as we held her hands when she took her last breath, as we told her that it was okay for her to go, as we told her that we loved her…we ushered her right into the arms of the God that she loved and served for so many years. I know she is in Heaven watching out for me, and if she could, she would probably tell me I was wrong this time; I know she doesn’t want me to be sad and cry. At this time, all I can say is, as I have said so many times since her passing…sorry Granny.

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Say Hello To My Little Friend: Mr. Grief

June 27th 2007 10:02

Somewhere inside of me, I believe I could have taken care of my grandmother for the rest of my life and been fine with that. Selfish, yes, I know, but I miss her; it seems that dealing with losing her is more difficult than it was for me to drag myself out of bed every morning at 5:30. I have been reflecting on all the days that I just sat there with her at her house, in her bedroom… and the times that I was concerned about what to do if she passed away while I was there alone; when she actually did make the transition, it was nothing like I thought it might be. Honestly, I think I watch entirely too much television and too many movies because I kept getting a visual that was like a movie scene; you know how movies tend to dramatize the ending moments in someone’s life. Well, it was nothing like that. Actually, it was more like one of those moments where it happens, and you are left standing there like “That’s it?” One moment, she was breathing really fast, almost gasping for air; then in the next moment she started breathing really slow, and then she just stopped breathing. No last words, no gasping, no dramatic gestures. In the final moments, she opened her eyes once and looked right at me, and then she closed them, and just stopped breathing. When she took her last breath, a tear did come out of her left eye; I often wonder if she was crying or if she had dry eye. Is it possible that she was sad to go? The thought of her being sad to go makes me sad. I can’t imagine how that must feel – to have to leave your loved ones when you don’t want to; one day, I may have to feel that way…you too.

I am learning that grieving is a process that doesn’t end overnight. For someone like me, who is used to being more in control of emotional things, it is so much more difficult than I thought it would be. I probably put too much pressure on myself because I am trying to push myself along like “Hey, get it together” when I know I need to just let it happen. I keep praying and praying but yesterday I had to fess up with God that I just don’t know what to do. I really don’t. I have never in my life lost someone so close to me…how in the world do you say goodbye to someone that you love so very much?

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Missing You Granny...

When I look back over my life, there is not one moment that I remember that didn’t involve my grandmother. If she wasn’t there, she had something to do with it, and if she didn’t have anything to do with it, I was telling her about it. I lived with her almost my entire life, when you count the times that my mother left her husband and went back home. That was when I was younger. Then, as an adult, when my first marriage ended, I had to move back to my hometown, back in with my grandmother for two years until I got myself together…that was in 2000. I remember sleeping in bed with her and my grandfather as a little girl, I remember how they would get up every morning around 4:30 and have coffee, I remember how the house would always smell so good because she cooked a big pot of greens and ham hocks with cornbread almost every single day…I remember so many things. She bought me my first car, she used to come and take me to the grocery store when I didn’t have one – which was really funny because we would be going along in the grocery store and both of us would have carts. We had so many conversations, and she always told me so many stories about her life, I have memories to cherish forever, but it is hard to have happy memories right now without being sad.

More recent memories of the time we spent together in the last month of her life make me sad. I can’t help but remember seeing her turn into this person who was about to die. Not eating, not drinking, not even in her right mind, but still trying to be independent…I know where I get it from now. I just close my eyes, and I can see her, hear her voice, and if I think hard enough, I swear I can almost smell her; then the tears come. I was there, holding her hand when she took her last breath. I felt her begin to get cold almost instantly. I saw the funeral home workers come into her home, wrap her up in her bed sheets, put her body in a hearse and take her away. I was there for all of that, but even still, it is like I keep realizing that she is gone all over again, and every time, it swooshes over me and I feel like I have to sit down before I faint. She is gone, and she is not coming back.

We had a lot of conversations recently before she died. I told her I was thinking about moving out to Portland, Oregon. She told me that she didn’t want me to go because it would be too much; strangely, I think she was right. She also told me and my mother that she didn’t want us to be crying and stuff when she was gone. I try to honor that request as much as possible, but my heart won’t let me sometimes. Even though I was there with her in her last days, I am telling you, I could think of a million things to tell her right now. You never really know how much you love someone until they are gone. Death is so very final. If you are reading this, please, don’t let those moments when you could be creating memories with your loved ones pass you by. Your heart will ache all the more if you don’t say and do those things that you know you should do before it is too late. Tomorrow is not promised; please don’t take that for granted. Take it from someone with an aching heart who tried to be the best grand-daughter she could be; don’t waste time. Even if you have to come out of your comfort zone, trust me, it will be well worth it. Sacrifice yourself for the ones you love.

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The Twilight Zone - I Am Officially Still There.

June 20th 2007 16:40

Can you believe that one of my relatives called my grandmother’s house and asked to speak to her the day before her memorial service? Yes, it did happen, and I am still in disbelief; but that is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to all the craziness we have dealt with since my grandmother died. One of the craziest moments was when my homosexual, transvestite cousin showed up at the house with his mother who had no teeth in her mouth at all. It was like a freak-show because he had on this long wig, and no one really knew about his life change. We hadn’t seen him in so long, and he just showed up. Talk about awkward!

We are also being bad-mouthed by certain family members for not allowing any visitors when my grandmother had reached her final stage of life. I mean, come on, why would we allow people to come into her home when she was unconscious? She wouldn’t have wanted people to see her that way. Those last moments were a time for us, her immediate family, her children…that was time for us to spend with her. These people are the same people who knew she was sick initially in 1999 and never came to see her.

I know that it’s not going to make or break anyone in the Orble community that I haven’t been posting regularly over the past few weeks, but I felt a personal responsibility to let my Orble family know why I haven’t been posting. It is very difficult to lose someone that you love, and even more difficult to take care of their personal details once they are gone. I never realized it until now, but I have been right in the middle of it since the 9th when my grandmother died. Calling insurance companies, former employers, taking care of so many things – and it’s not over; that is hard work, on top of grieving.

So many decisions had to be made, the first being whether or not to embalm. I don’t know if you have ever investigated the embalming process, but for me personally (and the other members of my immediate family), it was just too much to think about someone doing to my grandmother. Embalming is a dehumanizing process, and even though your loved one is deceased, it is too much to bear the thought of. If you haven’t investigated, take a look at the tools used. A Google search will give you results, and the pictures alone are enough to make you shudder on the inside. Considering the fact that we all have to leave here one day, it would be a good idea for you to make the decision for yourself so that your family will know what you want. We decided to have my grandmother cremated, and it was the right choice for us – something else that we are being criticized for by certain family members.

We also had to put together a memorial service for her; we worked with the funeral home for that. FUNERALS AND MEMORIAL SERVICES COST SO MUCH MONEY…I never knew. Which leads me to another thing: If you don’t have insurance, GET SOME! Throughout this time, there were many days missed of work, and many expenses that needed to be taken care of. Insurance money can come in handy in the end because there is so much stress involved; you almost need a vacation when it’s over. It is hard to think about, but you never know when your time will come.

The service was yesterday, and it was lovely. We are happy with the way it turned out, but still sad because we miss my grandmother very, very much. It is hard to move on because it almost feels like now, I am leaving her behind; but I know that we have to move on with life as “normal”. The normal part will have to be redefined.

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June 9, 2007 at 5:20pm

June 13th 2007 16:11

…that is the day and time that my grandmother died. We were all there at home with her, as she requested. The whole reason for my mom and me taking care of her at home over the last month was to honor that request. We knew that she would not make it through the night, so my mom called everyone. We all just hung out at the house as my grandmother lay there laboring with her breathing. We laughed, talked, cried, and just spent time together with each other and with her while she was still alive. We put a chair right next to her bed so that any of us who wanted to could go in her room and sit with her.

This lasted all morning and early afternoon. Toward five that evening, my brother, my husband, and myself were talking in the kitchen. By major miracle, for some reason, I decided to go into the room and sit with my grandmother for a while, right around 5:15pm. As I sat there holding her hand, I noticed that her breathing had started to slow down. I told my husband that he should go get my mom and my uncle. While he went to get the both of them, my grandmother’s breathing was getting slower, and slower. She opened her eyes and looked at me, and then she closed them again. Then her breathing was getting slower and slower. My mom, my uncle, myself, my husband, my uncle’s wife, my cousin…all of us gathered around her bed, holding her, telling her we loved her, and telling her that it would be alright. We all held her as she took her last breath. When she took her last breath, there was a tear from her left eye; I wonder if she was crying or if it was because of dry eye.
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Who The Hell Wants To Be Diplomatic At A Time Like This??!!

June 8th 2007 12:16

We are coming up on the end of the fourth week of this “situation”. My mother and I have had ups and downs in taking care of my grandmother; we have had more down times in the last couple days because we can tell that the end is near. No one has lifted a finger to help us; it is still 24-hour-around-the-clock-care given by just the two of us. We do have a home health aide who has been coming around for about two years. To be perfectly honest, she seems more like family than a lot of my actual family members.
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Sorry...No More Visitors.

June 6th 2007 14:47

Do you know what it is like to watch someone die?

I don’t mean instant death; as hard as that is, I believe it is easier than this. I am talking about spending everyday with someone and watching them go through the metamorphosis that ultimately leads them to death. It’s difficult to watch. Going through everyday life with someone close to you, it is not common to reflect on what it would be like if that person were to become disabled and near death – with you as their caretaker. It is so easy to be friends, or to be in love, or to have a relationship with someone; even through the hard times, the normal everyday living part of life is easy. People always say what they would or would not do in a situation where there is a relative who needs care; words are so easy to come by, the action part is where we run into the problem. In caring for a dying relative, you become the thief who has stolen their independence, while you express your love taking care of their every need. You are often insulted, and accused...but your frustration must be put on the backburner because your loved one is not in his or her right mind. Imagine loving someone who is about to die and being verbally abused by that person...it is a nightmare.
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Am I Still In Kansas? Where Is Auntie Em?

June 4th 2007 19:53

Oh how I wish this cyclone of chaos in my life would end with me walking out the door into a beautiful new environment like Dorothy did when the house landed on the witch. Unfortunately for me, I have to continually ride the wave, and when I open the door the view is the same, and I am becoming the witch.

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Preparation?

June 1st 2007 12:15

What am I doing sitting here actually thinking that I can “prepare” for this? All the hospice care in the world won’t make this any easier. My grandmother is getting just a little worse everyday, and it seems like the worse she gets, the more uneasy I am. I asked my mother the other day what I am supposed to do if my grandmother stops breathing while I am here with her by myself. We decided that I should just call her, wait for her to get here, and then we would go from there. We have started to talk about some of the things that will have to be done with regard to funeral arrangements and what we may do with my grandmother’s belongings. It is going to be a long and windy road, but I told my mother that I am going to go through this whole thing with her – I could never leave her stranded in this situation. Yes, I know she has a brother, my uncle, but he doesn’t do anything. He hasn’t even really been over here since this all started happening, and this is the end of the third week. There is nothing I can do to change him; he will be the one whose conscience will eat him alive after his mother is gone. Since I am the “genius” of the family, I have been selected to write my grandmother’s obituary. Who would’ve thought that I would have such a task in life? Not me, but I am honored to do it. My mother and I talked on the phone last night for about two hours just reminiscing over the times that we have shared with our mother/grandmother; we needed that. It was very therapeutic for both of us. One good thing that has come from all of this is that my mother and I are getting closer. That’s a blessing because this is only the beginning, and before we move on to the rest of the things that we will have to do, we have to say goodbye to a woman that we have both been with for our whole lives. We need each other for that.

Don't Want to Say Goodbye.

I am a practical, realistic lady, and it is easier for me to deal with things when I face the facts. I like to lay it all out and weigh the pros and cons of any situation I am dealing with. So yesterday, while lying in bed, I just kept telling myself “My grandmother is about to die.” After it began to sound like a chant, I had to stop, but I just couldn’t get it to sink into this thick skull of mine. Am I crazy? Well, of course I am a little crazy, but that’s the good kind; I am just a little afraid that I am going to cross that invisible line between good and bad crazy if I don’t get a grip. I am a perfectionist, a straight-A student, a real go-getter…I am always able to conquer all. Until now…I keep talking about it, and talking about it, and talking about it; sometimes I even begin to feel like I’m good. Then, when I think about it, I still get that swooshing feeling that comes over me like I am about to faint, followed by the nausea, and just that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that you have when you are nervous about doing something you don’t want to do – but you know you absolutely have to do it. I know I am not the only one to ever lose a loved one, but this is the first time in my life that I will lose someone so close to me; I still have my mother, father, brothers, sisters…the pain is just something new that I am not accustomed to.
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