pieceofmymindGrandma's Dying And I'm Losing It!!!
May 31st 2007 12:48
I think I have probably felt every emotion possible within the last few weeks. As I type this post my head is throbbing, probably because of sleep deprivation (or it could be the fact that I’ve been awake since 4:15am and haven’t eaten), but oh well…my ticket out of the twilight zone hasn’t arrived yet.
I am trying to maintain my life while I make sure my grandmother is comfortable in the end of hers. This is not an easy task. I have a husband, four children – all either teen or preteen, two cats, a full-time course load in school, and a job search that has come to a screeching halt because I am needed here. No one can see it, but I have this battle going on inside of myself; one part of me is sad, but the other part of me is angry. One part of me wouldn’t want to be anyplace else at this time, and another part of me feels like this is unfair. I haven’t worked out since before mother’s day, and as far as eating healthy…yeah right. I go from not wanting to eat at all, feeling totally nauseous, to wanting to eat everything. I feel like I am a potential basket case…and the rest of the world moves on.
I am here before six o’clock every weekday morning so my mom can go to work, and I am sitting here until about six o’clock in the evening. My uncle is working, his wife is working, my brother is working, his wife is working…everyone else is moving and shaking, while I sit here (hopefully I won’t start shaking). It amazes me how my whole family, with the exception of my mother who lives in the same house with my grandmother, can move on like nothing is happening. They casually stop by when they feel like it while I feel bad if I take a “break” from being here on the weekends. Even when I am home, my mind is here. I get angry because this is bullshit if you ask me, then I get sad because I feel like I shouldn’t even feel this way, then there is the guilt, then back to anger, then let’s not forget the grief because my grandmother could stop breathing at any given moment…Dr. Phil, Oprah, I may need you before this is all over.
My grandmother is dying, but I don’t want to go with her. I need to get it together because I am on stress overload, and I am taking a physical, mental, and emotional beating. If there was a detour through this part of my life that would be great, for so many reasons; sometimes, I honestly think that the underlying issue here is that I am just sad. I don’t want to let go of my grandmother, and inside I am having a “tantrum”. Maybe I should put myself in time out.
Overload!!!
I am trying to maintain my life while I make sure my grandmother is comfortable in the end of hers. This is not an easy task. I have a husband, four children – all either teen or preteen, two cats, a full-time course load in school, and a job search that has come to a screeching halt because I am needed here. No one can see it, but I have this battle going on inside of myself; one part of me is sad, but the other part of me is angry. One part of me wouldn’t want to be anyplace else at this time, and another part of me feels like this is unfair. I haven’t worked out since before mother’s day, and as far as eating healthy…yeah right. I go from not wanting to eat at all, feeling totally nauseous, to wanting to eat everything. I feel like I am a potential basket case…and the rest of the world moves on.
I am here before six o’clock every weekday morning so my mom can go to work, and I am sitting here until about six o’clock in the evening. My uncle is working, his wife is working, my brother is working, his wife is working…everyone else is moving and shaking, while I sit here (hopefully I won’t start shaking). It amazes me how my whole family, with the exception of my mother who lives in the same house with my grandmother, can move on like nothing is happening. They casually stop by when they feel like it while I feel bad if I take a “break” from being here on the weekends. Even when I am home, my mind is here. I get angry because this is bullshit if you ask me, then I get sad because I feel like I shouldn’t even feel this way, then there is the guilt, then back to anger, then let’s not forget the grief because my grandmother could stop breathing at any given moment…Dr. Phil, Oprah, I may need you before this is all over.
My grandmother is dying, but I don’t want to go with her. I need to get it together because I am on stress overload, and I am taking a physical, mental, and emotional beating. If there was a detour through this part of my life that would be great, for so many reasons; sometimes, I honestly think that the underlying issue here is that I am just sad. I don’t want to let go of my grandmother, and inside I am having a “tantrum”. Maybe I should put myself in time out.
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