pieceofmymindI Can't Believe It Has Been Almost A Year
May 23rd 2008 02:09
I don’t post on Orble as much as I should, but I got the notice that my account would close soon if I didn’t, so here I am. I started this blog to honor the memory of my grandmother who, at the time, was in her last stages of life with lung cancer. I started this blog talking about my trials as someone who had taken on the responsibility of helping to provide hospice care to a loved one. Now that is has been almost a year since that time, I am reflecting on the moments I spent with my grandmother before she died.
She was a smoker. Naturally, this is what led her to her death since the cancer was a result of her habit. I remember in that last month of her life, I was amazed at the fact that she still wanted to smoke. Honestly, it used to make me mad. I knew she could tell, but now that I reflect back on those moments, I really wish I had not been so upset by that.
Another thing she used to do was just try to do things that she didn’t have the strength for. Like one day, I remember I had been there all morning, and I was tired. So when the hospice person came in to relieve me of my duties, I decided to go upstairs to lie down. When I came back downstairs after my break, I saw that my grandmother was no longer in her bed. When I rounded the corner, I could see that she had the two hospice nurses helping her back from the front door. I was so mad at her for that because she knew she wasn’t supposed to be out of the bed right? She knew I was mad too, because I hid myself in the kitchen. I heard her asking where I was…she then asked me was I mad. She was laughing when she asked me that. She knew how I felt about it, but now that I reflect on it, I think all she was trying to do was take a look at her front yard for the last time. She was blessed enough to have her hospice care at home, and I know that she knew she wasn’t going to be with us much longer. If I knew I was going to die very soon, I think I might find myself gazing out of my front window too.
Actually, that was a sad day now that I think about it. That was the day they came and took her hospice medical alert necklace. They took it because they knew she would no longer need it. I think that is why she ended up at that window…she knew what was going on. That is the day that she asked me. She said “They think I’m gonna be going on away from here pretty soon huh?” I didn’t want to tell her the truth at that time, so I told her that they were just concerned because they knew she was sick. I asked her what did she think and she said “Well, I’m not going to sit here everyday looking out the window saying God, are you coming to get me? But the only one who can come and get me is God, and when he does, that is going to be a glorious day for your grandmother.” That was the last time I talked to her about how she felt about dying. When she said it, it was so funny, we both laughed because she was just funny. She made it funny. I had a dream about her the other night that she told me she had found a place in the sun. Maybe that is what she was trying to tell me…but I guess I will never know.
I really miss her. It is weird how everyone and everything has gone on. Our lives have been redefined without her, and we are moving around doing the things that we have to do, but all of us miss her dearly. I finally finished my Associates degree, and I am four semesters away from my B.S. Hard work, but I know she would be proud. If there is anyone out there who is taking care of a loved one in hospice care, please don’t be mad at them because they can’t let go of their habits. Just love them, even if they still want to smoke. Don’t end up like me, reflecting and wishing that I had done things differently because when they are gone, they are gone forever.
She was a smoker. Naturally, this is what led her to her death since the cancer was a result of her habit. I remember in that last month of her life, I was amazed at the fact that she still wanted to smoke. Honestly, it used to make me mad. I knew she could tell, but now that I reflect back on those moments, I really wish I had not been so upset by that.
Another thing she used to do was just try to do things that she didn’t have the strength for. Like one day, I remember I had been there all morning, and I was tired. So when the hospice person came in to relieve me of my duties, I decided to go upstairs to lie down. When I came back downstairs after my break, I saw that my grandmother was no longer in her bed. When I rounded the corner, I could see that she had the two hospice nurses helping her back from the front door. I was so mad at her for that because she knew she wasn’t supposed to be out of the bed right? She knew I was mad too, because I hid myself in the kitchen. I heard her asking where I was…she then asked me was I mad. She was laughing when she asked me that. She knew how I felt about it, but now that I reflect on it, I think all she was trying to do was take a look at her front yard for the last time. She was blessed enough to have her hospice care at home, and I know that she knew she wasn’t going to be with us much longer. If I knew I was going to die very soon, I think I might find myself gazing out of my front window too.
Actually, that was a sad day now that I think about it. That was the day they came and took her hospice medical alert necklace. They took it because they knew she would no longer need it. I think that is why she ended up at that window…she knew what was going on. That is the day that she asked me. She said “They think I’m gonna be going on away from here pretty soon huh?” I didn’t want to tell her the truth at that time, so I told her that they were just concerned because they knew she was sick. I asked her what did she think and she said “Well, I’m not going to sit here everyday looking out the window saying God, are you coming to get me? But the only one who can come and get me is God, and when he does, that is going to be a glorious day for your grandmother.” That was the last time I talked to her about how she felt about dying. When she said it, it was so funny, we both laughed because she was just funny. She made it funny. I had a dream about her the other night that she told me she had found a place in the sun. Maybe that is what she was trying to tell me…but I guess I will never know.
I really miss her. It is weird how everyone and everything has gone on. Our lives have been redefined without her, and we are moving around doing the things that we have to do, but all of us miss her dearly. I finally finished my Associates degree, and I am four semesters away from my B.S. Hard work, but I know she would be proud. If there is anyone out there who is taking care of a loved one in hospice care, please don’t be mad at them because they can’t let go of their habits. Just love them, even if they still want to smoke. Don’t end up like me, reflecting and wishing that I had done things differently because when they are gone, they are gone forever.
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