My Second Marriage Myth
March 16th 2009 19:20
Myth: Healthy couples don't fight
Fact: Healthy couples will have disagreements and fights.
People come to believe this myth in a variety of ways. One way is that they never saw their parents fought, probably because the parents promised never to fight in front of the kids. In some cases, this promise not to fight in front of the kids meant important issues NEVER got discussed in the speed of life. It may be one of the reasons your parents divorced: they never had time to communicate.
Another reason might be that your parents fought wrong and nasty in front of you and you never want to repeat that. You saw that lead to divorce or extreme tension in the house.
The fact is, fighting is a normal part of marriage, it's just important to do it right. If you are so exactly the same that you have no disagreements, you are either extremely lucky or, more likely, suppress who you are to avoid fighting.
If you learn how to fight right, you should not make it a point to do it in front of your kids, but having them see it is not unhealthy. It's also key that if you fight in front of them, you also make up in front of them (to a limit of course
).
How do you fight right? Here are some tips that begin to help, but I would suggest reaching out to older couples that have been married a while, your pastor, or a counselor for more help if your fights don't seem to stay in control. Tips:
1) No name calling. Don't make it personal.
2) Thus, keep to the issue(s), not the person.
3) Try not to use the words "always" and "never"
4) Instead of saying "You make me frustrated," say "I feel frustrated." Using "you" can put your spouse's hackles up.
5) Remember you married your spouse because they have good will towards you and try to listen through that filter. If you married a person you thought was good, they probably still are and may just not be phrasing what they are saying in the best way.
6) If things get too heated up, call a time out. The time out MUST have an ending, e.g. "Time out, let's take a break from this and come back to it at 8."
7) Always make up and forgive if necessary.
Again, there are lots of people with good advice out there. Just remember that you shouldn't repress who you are to avoid fighting. That will eventually do more harm than good.
You can support my blogging even more by buying my book at Author House. Exploring healthy fantasies is good for your marriage!
Fact: Healthy couples will have disagreements and fights.
People come to believe this myth in a variety of ways. One way is that they never saw their parents fought, probably because the parents promised never to fight in front of the kids. In some cases, this promise not to fight in front of the kids meant important issues NEVER got discussed in the speed of life. It may be one of the reasons your parents divorced: they never had time to communicate.
Another reason might be that your parents fought wrong and nasty in front of you and you never want to repeat that. You saw that lead to divorce or extreme tension in the house.
The fact is, fighting is a normal part of marriage, it's just important to do it right. If you are so exactly the same that you have no disagreements, you are either extremely lucky or, more likely, suppress who you are to avoid fighting.
If you learn how to fight right, you should not make it a point to do it in front of your kids, but having them see it is not unhealthy. It's also key that if you fight in front of them, you also make up in front of them (to a limit of course
). How do you fight right? Here are some tips that begin to help, but I would suggest reaching out to older couples that have been married a while, your pastor, or a counselor for more help if your fights don't seem to stay in control. Tips:
1) No name calling. Don't make it personal.
2) Thus, keep to the issue(s), not the person.
3) Try not to use the words "always" and "never"
4) Instead of saying "You make me frustrated," say "I feel frustrated." Using "you" can put your spouse's hackles up.
6) If things get too heated up, call a time out. The time out MUST have an ending, e.g. "Time out, let's take a break from this and come back to it at 8."
7) Always make up and forgive if necessary.
Again, there are lots of people with good advice out there. Just remember that you shouldn't repress who you are to avoid fighting. That will eventually do more harm than good.
You can support my blogging even more by buying my book at Author House. Exploring healthy fantasies is good for your marriage!
| 28 |
| Vote |
Comments (1)
Add Comments
