Man Lessons - by Deorre

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Man Lessons - March 2007

Horse Feces In The Pasture Of Life

March 26th 2007 15:36

In the performance of my weekly horse-dooty duty, my mind wanders in many directions. Flights of fancy, ruminations, and down-right absurdity are my own personal reverie while completing my smelly, gooey task. Most recently, I found myself considering insulting metaphors, and having quite a bit of fun with it.

Perhaps there can even be a therapeutic relevance to such mental meanderings, as they may indeed facilitate a ventilation of anger that likely most of us need from time to time. And, of course, I tend to take to the level of absurdity.

May I share?

You are puss in the pimple of life.

You are dandruff in the scalp of life.

You are smegma in the crotch of life.

You are dried snot in the mustache of life.

You are a twitch in the muscle of life.

You are herpes on the genitals of life.

You are bankruptcy in the abudance of life.

You are a hard stool in the peristalsis of life.

You are vomit in the digestion of life.

You are a low battery in the cell phone of life.

You are a fly-ridled horse fece in the pasture of life.

Wow. I feel great!!

Care to share?

deorre

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Meaningful Conversation

March 22nd 2007 12:13

Yes, guys. Meaningful conversation is something that we need to know about. Not only might it lead to ‘perpetuation of the species’ type activity, but it also becomes an opportunity to let the world—yes, the whole world—know, that you are a man.

I am Man, hear me, uh…, well, just hear me. If you are not going to be able to intuit what it is I need to say, then just hear me. Dammit.

Guys have often been accused of not being so good at this thing called communication. Interesting, since guys are purported to be very adept at acquiring communicable diseases. So, for guys like us, it is confusing.

Just because I had that pesky case of the clap back in the day does not automatically mean I was a good communicator. It doesn’t even necessarily mean that I was a good fornicator. So, to clear this up at the start, behaving like a wild and brawling sperm does not have anything to do with the issue at hand, which is meaningful conversation.

Typically, meaningful conversation means having to know yourself enough to comfortably disclose yourself to another. Hopefully an intimate other. Likelihood is that if you disclose yourself, then you may reap the reward of an intimate other. If you know what I mean.

So, now that I have your attention, guys, let’s move on. Disclosing yourself is not like exposing your penis, buttocks, or even that unruly tattoo that seems to emerge out of your rectum and climb up to wrap around your nipplage. No, disclosure is sharing in a loving and caring way. A way that lets your ‘communication target’ know that you are a deep and interesting individual who is self-confident enough to, well, communicate and disclose.

Do you talk about yourself, or do you talk about your communication target? Guys get mixed messages when it comes to this. Some say to talk about yourself because your communication target wishes to know who you are. Well, this is usually easy for men. Others say talk about your communication target, because she likes it when you pay attention and notice and dote and fawn and get all stupid and hard and erect and…Whoa—slow down Stallion! She likes it when you are interested enough in her to notice stuff she is wearing and to talk about how great it looks on her.

I have a few things I like to talk about when I am communicating meaningfully. Boasting of how much urine I can retain is always a winner. I have a large bladder, and what that may mean to a communication target is that I may have a large territory to rule. I will also disclose how much money I have won or lost on the last game I bet on. Girls seem more interested in basketball than baseball or football. Surprisingly, they do not seem interested in womens’ beach volleyball. I don’t understand that. They may impute a perverse attraction that I demonstrate while focusing more on the fleshy butt-cheeks than the actual play of the game.

And, if the communication target asks questions of me, I will gladly follow her lead. “How was your work today?” “Fine.” She may inquire more of this, and often becomes irritated with my answers. Or, shall I say, answer. I say “fine.” She gets irritated. What’s that about?

Well, she may just want to hear more. Like when I was young and my mother would intrude by asking more and more and more and I just did not want to give her all that information because it was none of her damned business and if she would just shut the f@#k up then we could get on with the rest of the day. Oh, pardon me for that little slip. Girls don’t like it when you converse with them that way, or even imply such with your non-verbal behavior.

If I shift the meaningful conversation from me to my communication target, I have a ‘fall back’ menu which I use if nothing spontaneous pops up. Girls like spontaneous, guys, unless of course it is an emission of bodily fluid.

I will always tell her how nice she looks, even if over dinner she is sweating like a pig and has food stuck to the side of her cheek. I will lie because I want to demonstrate that I care for her. Girls like that. And if, she likes it so much that she wants to give me some appreciation sex later on, I will even have a little snack to nibble off the side of her face. You know, the more stubbly her face is, the more food it can cling to.

I will never directly make mention of her beard, though I may tell her how pretty her hair looks. I will ask her about her family, and will not even flinch when she tells me her husband and children are fine. If I do show her the signs of being ill-at-ease, this may detract from the meaningful conversation I am attempting to achieve.

I once set out on a mission to show one communication target that I was an open and tolerant guy. Girls often like that, because it means I am not a chauvinist pig. Girls often do not like that. Anyway, I let her know that even though I have never been in prison, I do know what it is like to be the recipient of anal sex. I assured her that I was not a homosexual, not that there is anything wrong with that. I even let her know that the hospital staff seemed to appreciate my attempt at empathy as they were extracting the child-size baseball bat from my rectum.

My communication target seemed nonplussed, though when she raised her eyebrows at this self disclosure, I was sure I had accomplished yet another meaningful conversation.

So fellows, I know that this is a difficult one. Dirk Ledge, the goat man, would say that it is a creation of modern man that we have to even try to have meaningful conversation. This has something to do with how goats communicate, and I am still awaiting the full translation. None-the-less, if you practice and practice and practice, meaningful conversation need not be a barrier that prevents you from ultimately sexing it up for the species. Or, for that matter, from ‘wording it up’ with a communication target.

deorre

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Are You Listening?!?

March 9th 2007 13:27

Men, listen up! Ahem--men, listen up! MEN, LISTEN UP, DAMMIT! Oh yeah, you don't do that. I forgot.

Ok guys, this may be a bit difficult, but I want you to pay attention to this post. I want you to focus, and actually HEAR the message of this post. Because if you can do it here, then you will be closer to being able to do it with a live, in person, human being. That, by the way, is called COMMUNICATION.

Basically, communication is a good thing. Girls like it. It makes them feel closer to you. Listening is a big part of communication, and can turn into this thing called EMOTIONAL INTIMACY. Chicks like it when you say those words, and they really like it when you actually become emotionally intimate.

When you listen to what girls say, you start to know who they are, what they want, where they want to go, and WHAT THEY MAY WANT TO DO FOR YOU. I'll bet you heard that last sentence, huh? That's because it became about you.

A barrier to communication is that people nod their heads alot, as if they are listening. They're really not, and it's usually pretty obvious. Men often do this. It takes practice listening to stuff that's not about you. But it is a good thing. It's called what? COMMUNICATION.

It's important for you guys to be aware of how you have not listened in the past, and aware of how it has had a negative impact on your relationship. I know, this is sounding pretty foo foo. But, if you become a better listener, you partner may want to give you good stuff. Remember, this is good.

For the good of the male collective here in the blog, please share how your lack of listening skills have led to, er...unfortunate consequences. And ladies, feel free to add on to this lecture.

HOW HAS NOT LISTENING HAD AN IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP? (An awareness raising assignment).

deorre

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