Man Lessons - by Deorre

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Man Lessons - December 2006

Satan's Surgery & Sperm Slinging

December 28th 2006 13:23

What's a poor boy to do? He wants to have sex. He really wants to have sex. He does not want to have a baby, but he really does not want to use rubbers/condoms/sheaths/raincoats. They take away some of the pleasure, you know.

A vasectomy. He decides to have a vasectomy. To get cut. Slit the tube between the testicles and... the pleasure shoot, shall we say? Ok, the decision is made.

Who knew? Who really knew he would run into resistance about this seemingly personal choice? As he approaches the vasectomy clinic, there are placards and protesters, stating he is murdering poor, innocent sperm. And you know, that sperm could turn into life. Some say it is life.

He wonders if someone will throw a vial of fresh sperm on his newly purchased coat, and hopes it won't stain if that indeed does occur. Someone yells out to him: "You know, they perform Satan's Surgery here!"

He pauses, and decides that he will think about this Satan Surgery thing for awhile.

He can always masturbate. Can't he?

deorre

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Be Kind To Your Testicles

December 16th 2006 15:06

I don't mean to over-state the obvious, but sometimes after a good whack to the crotch, certain insights generate a new clarity. And now, after having a basketball slam squarely into my testicular region, I know that the scrotum is nothing more than a container. Not a protective sac, really. Just a container and transport medium to get the ballage from point A to point B.

Do you ever wonder why the testicles are sooooo sensitive to assault? Why would these little orbs of reproductive verve lend themselves to such comprehensive and debilitating pain? Oh how I long for the protective shell afforded by nature to walnuts.

I suppose I could purchase a protective cup used by many an athlete who places the dangling duo at risk in pursuit of the win and the paycheck. But, like many other pieces of protective and aesthetic adornment, the cup is unwieldly. Though it does produce quite an impressive bulge. I'm just saying.

No, it seems quite clear to me that the reason such pain is generated from testicular assault is because the balls/nuts/gonads are essential to life. They are the marvelous pea pods of productivity, and without them, the species would suffer. Hormones and sperm and all such things.

So, guys (and gals), value your nuttage as the magnificently important team that they are. Protect them for the species. And, if you find it particularly necessary, find someone who will give the proverbial testicluar massage every once in a while.

Do it for the species.

FOR THE SPECIES, I SAY.

deorre

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The Shower

December 8th 2006 13:22

Some things just should not be taken for granted. Every guy knows how to take a shower, right? Turn the water on so it starts to warm, strip, jump in, soap up, rinse off, dry, get dressed. Simple.

Unless the guy has some sort of hydro-Attention Deficit Disorder, and finds all sorts of other activities to keep him occupied while standing nude in the man-made rain machine.

There are many things that contribute to the gender wars, and some of the actions I shall now discuss are but grains of sand in the overall heap that separates men and women in the great divide. Men, just assume that if you engage in these, girls will not like you--

The Belch--This typically comes from drinking too much water from the shower tap. The burp, though, is nothing less than extraordinary! Acoustics are great in the shower, so the belch is LOUD. Now, this is very satisfying while it is happening, but it will get you funny looks when you enter a room where others (who heard the performance) are.

Singing--We all do it. I think even some girls do it. Shh...but don't let them know you hear them. They get shy about that kind of stuff. Anyway, most of you guys do not have good voices, cannot keep good time, and generally suck when you sing. Just because of the afore-mentioned good acoustics does not mean you are good. And everyone in the house can hear just how not good you are.

The Erection--What to do with this. Standing there, all "up" and everything. You look around to see if anyone is around and may notice your grand hardness. Then you figure, "well I got to wash this thing", so...you start soaping it up. Hmmm. Maybe at this point something other than good hygeine is taking place. And that's alright. Hell, do what you got to do. The danger, of course, is twofold. You may develop a strange erotic connection to showers and, er...release. Or, your partner may become jealous of your 'special' shower time. So, be cautious, and by all means, keep it clean.

Snot--There is nothing like a good 'blow it out' experience in the shower. No nose blow outside, with tissue, compares. You can just let it fly. Very comprehensive. This can be very loud, and very disturbing to those not understanding your man-need to blow so vigorously.

Urine--This is a big one. How can you not pee in the shower? I mean, there you are, naked, in running water. There's a drain right there. Hell, it probably saves water in that you don't have to flush the toilet. They say this also may help fight athletes foot. Urine. Just pee on your feet, then rinse. Simple. Urine can also help with the snot. If, after a good blow, you see some snot on the wall, or ground, and it is kind of sticky, just pee on it until it breaks loose. It's a great utilization of a natural resource, eh?

Remember, showering is but a microcosm of the rest of your life.

WHAT STRANGE THINGS DO YOu DO IN THE SHOWER?

deorre

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