Love Lost
June 8th 2009 15:23
It was hard to find anywhere to be alone. I was a virgin and actual sex was completely out of the question but, in his friend’s caravan, with his hands up my jumper and down my jeans, he gave me a love-bite on my neck.
I wore a collared shirt but, in the kitchen the next day, my mother saw the bruising.
She warned me … about my father. I was terrified of my father.
When Lindsay called around after work (after school for me) I had to tell him not to come around again. I was about to say “’ll meet you somewhere ” - or something like that - when he turned and walked away, to his workmate’s car. I just stood on the verandah hoping he’d come back. The older guy was talking to him and, now I think of it, was probably telling him to go back and talk to me. They stayed parked there for quite a few minutes and as they drove away the other guy looked back. But not Lindsay. I only saw him twice more, a long time later. Once at a distance and once with a group of other boys. He didn’t talk to me to and I would never have approached him. But I thought about him for a long time.
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Comment by The wonderful Peter Yang
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Swine Flu, Swine Flu, Swine Flu!!!
You got some interesting story, mate.
Look, you have to get out of your current pattern. My guess is that you have an idealistic idea about what love is, what happiness is, etc. And on a psychological state you have a whole bunch of labels and you restrain yourself to it, those labels have to get lost, throw them in the bin, live your life without any labels.
Learn to love yourself and be true to both yourself and others.
I am guessing you didn't come from a very good family and to a certain extend you are hoping you will be like cinderalla and one day have a prince coming to you sweap you off your feet and turn you into a princess.
I hate to break the fact to you mate, but those are just stories, not real life. You can even marry a real prince and those fairy tale story won't come true. You ever heard Princess Diana?
You are the hero within your own stories and the fact is that you have to learn to fight all of your battles by yourself, but to make you feel better, behind you there might always be a few wise wizards be willing to give you support, but by the end of the day you are still the one that have to fight your own battles, there will be no pricen charming there to fight your battles for you.
Relationship wise, I want you to know, there is no universal formula to what is hapiness. My guess is that you believe there is an universal formula of what hapiness is and that is hetrosexual marriage to a man, everything else is not hapiness. That my friend, I am telling you, is completely Bu SHIT!!! Happiness is what you make of it, there is no universal formula of what hapiness is, it is what you make of it.
Base on the two article I saw you wrote so far, I am guessing you believe that you only deserve second grade man and if a great first grade man come to you, you will reject him, because you simply don't believe you deserve that good. That is none sense also, you deserve the best you can get. Don't you ever dare to think you only deserve number 2, Ok?
OF course, from your writing it do tell a lot more about your character, but so far it seem pretty blury, unless I get more info. Anyway,
Cheers mate
Comment by jimmy
cyberperson
Sorry. Sorry. i am feeling a bit guilty now because i have confused you. It wasn't intentional. I should have signed my own name (Teresa) on the last few posts because i am using my son's blog - since I got blocked myself.
Thanks for replying and for your concern. It is always interesting to get another perspective because so often we reveal things about ourselves to others that we have not yet realized ourselves.
Those incidents were from a long time ago and what was really on my mind was that rejection is something that we all experience - that's life - and it shouldn't stop us from embracing new experiences and try to not be influenced by what has happened in the past. I think I have pretty much shaken my feelings of being undeserving - though it took a long time. That is why I can now see those past incidents in a more objective light.
I agree with you that there is no universal formula to happiness. I always try to be open to whatever comes my way. I like your attitude.
Again, sorry for the confusion.
Teresa
Comment by Dianna G
I Wish This Was 42
Fictional Worlds
Unfortunate; it happens, which is really the unfortunate part.
~Dianna
Comment by jimmy
cyberperson
I really wanted to talk to that boy when I saw him again but I was just too self-conscious. I thought about him a lot. I was in love with him. But I made myself stop thinking about him. Years later, when I thought about him again, I realized that he must have been as self- conscious as I was - maybe even more. I wondered what would have happened if I had just called out to him when he was walking away.
Teresa
Comment by Lilla
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It is the planets you know. They are doing flip flops around the latest eclipse and making us all vanish back into our pasts ~ as our solar system plummets into the black heart of galactic Milky Way for the first time in 26,000 years. This incarnation so imprtant to so many ...so important to be passing again through emotion we thought we had cleared. Passing out from the alcohol we need to remember them all (again) and survive. Passing by our reflections in our mirrors.. aware only of one more line, another puffy bag, greying, aging and decaying in front of us sure that like Leunig, someone has swaped the mirrors in our houses, because the reflections are all different in some way..
The dark lord rides at this time and finds his opportunity in the lonely souls, taking even more who will trade what they are for what they wish they were, instead of finding the gratitude to be humble in their own gifts. The dark lord rides anyway through the ego of men who would rule the world, saturated int heir own lust, thirst and power to dominate, possess to own more... including the souls and energy of fair madens .. feasting on their energy like leeches in the black cauldrons of witches hells.
Take what you can, give nothing back may be a good pirates creed, but it doesn*t cut the mustard round here, not during the eclipse when the burning of their cold hands still burrows holes in my back and stops me from finding my peace and security.
Those slamming doors and harsh words echoing in my head of loves lost and abandoned, left on the wayside of my own self consciousness, unable to make peace within my own skin, unable to allow my light to shine through. Happy endings hard to envisage in a world of screaming, violent drunken adults.
If only I had called out too as he walked away... too frozen in my fear to be seen . . . again.