Lost...
July 6th 2008 14:27
...again. I have been in chronic pain most of my life due to a childhood injury, now as I age the pain has moved from chronic to acute. I manage quite well with medications and it has allowed some freedom of movement, but it does not replace the loss of dignity that is continually being taken from me.
You might ask yourself "why a loss of dignity"? And it is a good question. You become a pariah when you are in pain, people forget and ask you how you feel, you see the flash of oh God why did I ask that question, so you politely ignore their visible facial expressions and just say that you are fine. It makes it easier, on everyone.
Friday, something happened that made me see that it is alright not to be well, what is not alright is to be pretending you are well, for the sake of others; so they do not feel bad about your pain, doesn't that even sound ridiculous. Yet, that is what ill people do all the time, pretend to be well so the healthy don't feel bad.
None of us are exempt from pain, it will all visit us sooner or later, some visits will last like the in-laws have been there for months, lighter pain will seem to put a damper on a planned week-end off. At one time or another you will feel pain and the loss of dignity that comes with that pain. Dignity is subjective, some would say relative, not me. My dignity cannot be measured against yours or any others and for that matter neither can yours.
Loss of dignity, having to ask for rides to doctor appointments and prescription refill runs, your friends and family do not find this a difficulty and they adamantly tell you so, but and this is a big but, when your life infinges upon them, you will notice a startling difference in the way you now will be treated. You realize of course what is happening immediately and start looking for other resources to carry you about town on your medicinal errands. It is too much for people to handle, it only is a painful reminder that they too, one day will lose their dignities to pain and illness. Pray for a quick death, it is your only hope.
It is funny how my pain troubles others more then it troubles me, why do you suppose that is?
You might ask yourself "why a loss of dignity"? And it is a good question. You become a pariah when you are in pain, people forget and ask you how you feel, you see the flash of oh God why did I ask that question, so you politely ignore their visible facial expressions and just say that you are fine. It makes it easier, on everyone.
None of us are exempt from pain, it will all visit us sooner or later, some visits will last like the in-laws have been there for months, lighter pain will seem to put a damper on a planned week-end off. At one time or another you will feel pain and the loss of dignity that comes with that pain. Dignity is subjective, some would say relative, not me. My dignity cannot be measured against yours or any others and for that matter neither can yours.
Loss of dignity, having to ask for rides to doctor appointments and prescription refill runs, your friends and family do not find this a difficulty and they adamantly tell you so, but and this is a big but, when your life infinges upon them, you will notice a startling difference in the way you now will be treated. You realize of course what is happening immediately and start looking for other resources to carry you about town on your medicinal errands. It is too much for people to handle, it only is a painful reminder that they too, one day will lose their dignities to pain and illness. Pray for a quick death, it is your only hope.
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