Losing my dad,migraine lures,but doesn't win
March 24th 2008 14:56
My dad died Saturday,the afternoon before Easter,6:32pm. I had spent 2 nights with him the past week.One night taking care of him by myself.I was terrified.And he was up all night.Helping him take his medicine.Helping him to the bathroom.This was my dad,I was never in the position of being in charge of his care.
I dozed off once,I was in the reclyner,next to the hospital bed in the living room.I just knew he wouldn't get by me.He did.I woke up to him trying to microwave coffee I had poured for him earlier.I jumped up.I had no idea why I didn't hear him.I asked him where his cane was,he didn't know.Later,I found it on the towel rack in the bathroom.Oh My God,he had made it there,too!
I told him not to do that.That is why I was there.It was the longest night of my life.He was a stubborn man.My parents were both stubborn,so I don't wonder where I get it from.
My pain was there,taking a seat in the balcony.Watching,waiting,lett ing itself be felt,would not let me forget it was there.
It caught up with me a few times,but I was able to go lay down for a few minutes.This was one time,I really needed it to stay back.I needed for it not to be the number one priority.It's taken so much from me.My parents and I always had a rough road,and I wanted this one to be as smooth as possible.I wanted the focus for me to be my dad,not my constant unwanted companion.
So,I made it.I was there for him.Actually helping to make his final moments at his favorite place to be happy.His place was at the head of the table.Drinking his coffee and smoking.My parents,that was them.He didn't stop that tradition after my mom died.So,that final time sitting there,he watched as my grandchildren played outside.The two boys wrestling,the girls playing on the porch.He had a direct view,thankfully it was a warm day and we kept the door open.
I hadn't seen that gleam in his eyes since my kids were little.And a smile,wow.It was as they used to say "a Kodak Moment".
He wanted to sing.And we sang a few Frank Sinatra Songs.I looked and he was singing his heart out,with his eyes closed.
Before he died,I leaned over and said,"they called him old blue eyes,but they never saw yours". He had the most beautiful blue eyes.
He was "gone" but had a pacemaker that kept going.I had just cleaned the kitchen table,and as habit placed his ashtray in it's place.My sister had sat down for a couple of minutes next to him and she suddenly ran to get our older sister.I knew.So,after my sister checked him,we all group hugged and cried.
He waited until it was just the three of us there.We had kept comparing it to the movie Hanging Up.My older sister would be Diane Keaton.We have 3 brothers,but none came.
I said,he did it his way.So,at his small service,at his home,that will be the song.I would like to also have "Fly me to the Moon".
I am grateful for some final happy memories.And that my unwanted companion was not able to take over.
My heart aches,I keep getting hit with that wave,the reality wave.But I beat the migraine this time.I got thtough it.
I also told my dad to tell Frank Hi for me.That I'll be practicing here,so I can sing with them when I get there.
I dozed off once,I was in the reclyner,next to the hospital bed in the living room.I just knew he wouldn't get by me.He did.I woke up to him trying to microwave coffee I had poured for him earlier.I jumped up.I had no idea why I didn't hear him.I asked him where his cane was,he didn't know.Later,I found it on the towel rack in the bathroom.Oh My God,he had made it there,too!
My pain was there,taking a seat in the balcony.Watching,waiting,lett ing itself be felt,would not let me forget it was there.
It caught up with me a few times,but I was able to go lay down for a few minutes.This was one time,I really needed it to stay back.I needed for it not to be the number one priority.It's taken so much from me.My parents and I always had a rough road,and I wanted this one to be as smooth as possible.I wanted the focus for me to be my dad,not my constant unwanted companion.
So,I made it.I was there for him.Actually helping to make his final moments at his favorite place to be happy.His place was at the head of the table.Drinking his coffee and smoking.My parents,that was them.He didn't stop that tradition after my mom died.So,that final time sitting there,he watched as my grandchildren played outside.The two boys wrestling,the girls playing on the porch.He had a direct view,thankfully it was a warm day and we kept the door open.
He wanted to sing.And we sang a few Frank Sinatra Songs.I looked and he was singing his heart out,with his eyes closed.
Before he died,I leaned over and said,"they called him old blue eyes,but they never saw yours". He had the most beautiful blue eyes.
He was "gone" but had a pacemaker that kept going.I had just cleaned the kitchen table,and as habit placed his ashtray in it's place.My sister had sat down for a couple of minutes next to him and she suddenly ran to get our older sister.I knew.So,after my sister checked him,we all group hugged and cried.
He waited until it was just the three of us there.We had kept comparing it to the movie Hanging Up.My older sister would be Diane Keaton.We have 3 brothers,but none came.
I said,he did it his way.So,at his small service,at his home,that will be the song.I would like to also have "Fly me to the Moon".
I am grateful for some final happy memories.And that my unwanted companion was not able to take over.
My heart aches,I keep getting hit with that wave,the reality wave.But I beat the migraine this time.I got thtough it.
I also told my dad to tell Frank Hi for me.That I'll be practicing here,so I can sing with them when I get there.
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Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
I'm sorry to hear about your father.
Tracy