Longest post EVER?
June 7th 2007 04:48
:
A letter.
OK, well, probably not.
It's the response to a good friend who wrote me, concerned with some of the choices I've made on the internet. If you notice, all of my posts ask for donation. While I'll gladly take them, it's supposed to be a bit tongue-in-cheek...
Anyway, he wrote this beautiful letter. No, you can't read it, as I'm doing this without his permission.
My reply says a lot about me, though.
Names have been changed to project the innocent.
~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~ _~_~_
XXXXXXXXXX!! Thanks for the update. And thanks for the effort you put into it! O_o;;
Whew! Man, I'm in some serious food coma, so I'm probably going to be a bit terse. (EDIT: This didn't wind up terse at all!)
I think I'll just address a few points, and I'll do so practically devoid of organization. 
I'm actually not a profuse blogger -- not in the Xanga/Livejournal sense. Up until a few months ago I had a bit of distaste for the whole thing. I got started because its, well, an obvious writing outlet. Through blog advertisements it can be lucrative, as well. My job at Sony also is considering a department blog, so I sort of volunteered to learn CSS and all the hip internet stuff... And, employers look at these things as example of technical ability. I had become kind of ashamed at my lack of trendy 'Net knowledge, considering I supposedly have a degree in this stuff. I thought it was time to play a little catch up, but make it interesting to myself along the way. But, yes, this is all very new to me and pretty ironic and silly. Pilaf unleashed? Proffering content without social niceties? Sounds dangerous!
So, I'm not surprised you don't like the "blog P" -- it's kind of not me, really. Sorry about that. The blogs are just a learning exercise. And a bit of fun. for each of them, I'm trying to write a bit out of my usual character. I'm surprised you're surprised, though, at how different people are in blogging. I think most anyone would appear a different person if they could just... ooze... them-ness, without having to worry about contextual self-censorship. I never said it was honest. It's kind of fun to blur fact/fiction -- I'm sure musicians do the same thing through music and all that. And I really enjoy the flippant aspect of it, and in a harmless, knavish kind of way. I think if it weren't flippant it would be pretty boring! I'm so tired of boring. Boring anything.
I think there's little difference between my unsolicited "updates" and your unsolicited advice -- though it seems like I may appreciate your e-mail more than you appreciate my newfound halftruth internet presence... I'm sure you're aware of this, though. It's nice to know one of us hasn't changed.
I also don't know what to say about my blogs having troubled you, XXXXXXXX. You seem to be a troubled (and occasionally troublesome!) guy yourself, at times -- and aren't we all? I can imagine a lot of things about me have troubled and do trouble you -- most of those aspects of me are still around, sadly. I'm not really sure what to say about troubling you. I hope I don't cause you any *real* stress and hopefully incur only a mild degree of judgment and otherwise I really hope for just a chuckle here and there.
Anyway, as they're an attempt to either boost a resume (either directly or by the things I learn while blogging) or put some food money in my pocket, yeah, the blogs are structured and articles written to try and help bring that in. The point of mass e-mailing them was hoping that some of the flippancy would get the sites launched into the appropriate geek network channels. And thus increase the possibility of advert clicks, and so on.
The donation thing is interesting. I really just wanted to see if people I didn't know would do it, as kind of a social experiment. Some people (family and stuff) _had_ asked for an easy way to get me some money, and that was it. There's now a very simple avenue for them to toss me a few bucks if they want. Bear in mind I'm obviously not expecting anything! I won't return from Iceland wondering why my PayPal wasn't chock full of dollars and well-wishes, believe me. It's also a response to the fact that PayPal donate buttons *are* proliferating by other folk just writing blogs and so on. Some sites receive a ton of traffic and help foster these quaint little digital microcultures and other nerdy memes, and, as they feel they're providing a service, can maybe more honestly ask for donation as many of them have probably quit their day job to do so. (Run-on, anyone?) The only legitimizing thing I can say about it is that I do intend for the blogs to be informative outside of telling people about my own exploits; hopefully I can manage to write some respectable content useful to fellow travelers and whatnot. Anyway -- yes, I was hoping it would raise a few eyebrows, roll a few eyes, though hopefully people will catch the sort of ersatz humor behind it all. I'm sorry to have upset anyone with it -- but it's not going anywhere!
What you say is true about people caring. I don't expect anyone to. Inherent to the medium of the internet is the ability to sort of put stuff out there with simultaneously low and high expectations. You're free to skip the blog.
It sounds like XXXXXXXX will be a rad opportunity for you! It also sounds like you're trying to leverage a little trademark XXXXXXXX piousness. I think "and you'll be doing -- what?" could be aimed at anyone, right? The corporate wanker hiring and firing and cheating on his wife? The spoiled college girl whose tuition is paid for by her grandmother? I really can't imagine I'll ever wind up doing something that will be for the greater good. I mean, aren't you kind of a misanthrope yourself? I don't think I can produce anything about my life right now that would make you nod your head and smile and approve (many of us gave up on that long ago). I'll try to summarize hastily...
Last year I did something crazy -- I sold my most important game items to go to Iceland for three days. I think the act of doing something so reckless/feckless was really liberating. I've felt a little stifled for awhile now. Then, when I got there, I was just overwhelmed at how... educated and artistic and vibrant all of Reykjavik was. The art and the culture and the daily life and the work ethic... I found it all very admirable. I really lamented only having three days! I soon found about an intensive summer program in Icelandic. I started studying Icelandic and, with low expectations, applied for the program. I was really surprised to have been accepted -- and over many people! Then, I thought I couldn't afford it. I found that if I just charged a bit more, I could. -- well, I could afford to GET there, at least. =P Anyway, off I go. I really, really miss school. I can't wait to be in graduate school, but moving on to that phase of my life is much less feasible than a one-month jaunt to Iceland. I also really, really miss the excitement of a foreign place. I miss feeling like I was intellectually engaged. I hope to use my time there to be active in the galleries, maybe even work on some songwriting, and, obviously, learn a new language -- in other words, things I can't do while locked into my San Diego life. I still work two jobs (one full, one part), I spend my time on the bus learning Icelandic, my lunchbreaks blogging, my nights catching up on stuff like this... I'm reasonably assured of my work ethic. I'm certainly not going to Iceland to party -- I'll be quite busy there, as well, and, without a job, pretty broke. Anyway, it's unashamedly for the pursuit of knowledge and happiness and other selfish intangibles. I'm not sure I should be faulted for this -- at least, I won't accept it. I'm not sure that I'm going to save a life or make an indelible mark on the world, but while I'm on my way I'll at least cheer others on... I really can't think of a situation in which I'd ever write someone an e-mail to call them out on something about which they're clearly very happy.
Ostensibly, you must find some satisfaction at your philanthropy in XXXXXXXX -- and you haven't got a PayPal Donation button! Yeah -- that's the vituperative gist of my jest. I guess it isn't very nice... but, again, grain of salt, and rest assured I mean no one any harm and hopefully those who approach my 20 level of wryness will chuckle. I'm kind of glad the donation thing has been food for thought. It is almost rude, sure! I made that caveat on the donation page. I'm not seriously, with a straight face, telling people I deserve a donation and that I expect one -- not at all. I just don't think you should pat yourself on the back, though, for being broke for your reasons versus mine. I'm making myself laugh at myself along the way.
I'm surprised to hear your thoughts on integrity! I always thought that one reason for your frequent internal battles was a lot like mine: the difficulty of being sincere. It's a hard thing to do. You're far too good a XXXXXXXX to give up on that pursuit, I think.
In my case, ironically this entire misunderstood half-joke was really borne of the idea of baring all... hiding nothing. I really do need the help with the money. And after Iceland, I'll have plenty more financially demanding opportunities that are truly meant to further my academic pursuits. In September I'll be returning to Tokyo to present a paper. The next month be going to Toronto to present (hopefully!) something else at a conference. I'm pretty weary from trying to work on these items independently outside of a 60-hour average workweek. I know, I know, everyone has done or knows someone doing more. I'm not looking for a pissing contest. I will say, though, that living paycheck to paycheck between two jobs and seriously trying to do better for myself is taking the piss out of me. I'm afraid (and though my blogs wouldn't let on!) I've become a much more quiet, mellow... boring!... person. If we caught up over a beer, you'd probably fall asleep.
INTERMISSION: XXXXXXXX, I still think and talk about our CRAZY Santa Barbara Depeche Mode fiasco ALL THE TIME. Does married mean no more days like that? How about if only one of us is married? (I've been single since November without so much as a pickup line.) END INTERMISSION
I also appreciate your advice on writing and I'm glad you pointed out the irony for me--I think I *may* have caught it anyway, though. I agree, though... people strive to come off as clerisy by unskillfully slashing around wordswords too heavy for their grip -- in spite of themselves. On the other hand, I try to do that as much as I can and celebrate the flawed beauty that comes with it. It's kind of fun. I'm a bit of a postmodern pissant in that the aesthetic and the process and the notion are more important than the message -- style before content and all that. That's not to say the content isn't there; I don't feel any remorse, though, for asking people to dredge for it. It's a certain fault (the conference paper reviewers HATE my style), but it works as (surprise!) a learning tool and, ludic in nature, it's an entertaining way of branding myself. In words and in life I know what I'm doing, but I don't expect to be understood. Just ... permitted, I guess? Leave the somniferous prose to the literature guys.
*yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn* Oooohhhkay. I need to wake up! Lots to do!
I've tried to keep my criticisms hopefully at the same pain threshold as your own. I also hope you believe me when I say that I'm just happy to hear from you... and kind of flattered that my nasty little internet cybermarionettes got you to write me! I saw the subject line, though, and did open the e-mail with some... trepidation.
Please keep writing me, if you have time and if you can shake the Luddhism. Shoot, try a hand-written letter if you like. Your style is breathtaking. I can't promise I'll be able to continues with replies like this one (you got me on a self-imposed "night off", so to speak), but whether encomia or obloquy, I'll always be stoked to have a XXXXXXXX in the ol' box.
*pantpantpant* Too...much...typing...
Oh! And for more troubling(?) servings of Pilaf on "teh internets!!!11", check here: http://philipsharp.info
Hope to talk to you soon, XXXXXXXX!
Pilaf.
It's the response to a good friend who wrote me, concerned with some of the choices I've made on the internet. If you notice, all of my posts ask for donation. While I'll gladly take them, it's supposed to be a bit tongue-in-cheek...
Anyway, he wrote this beautiful letter. No, you can't read it, as I'm doing this without his permission.
My reply says a lot about me, though.
Thinking, thinking...
Names have been changed to project the innocent.
~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~ _~_~_
XXXXXXXXXX!! Thanks for the update. And thanks for the effort you put into it! O_o;;
Whew! Man, I'm in some serious food coma, so I'm probably going to be a bit terse. (EDIT: This didn't wind up terse at all!)
I think I'll just address a few points, and I'll do so practically devoid of organization. I'm actually not a profuse blogger -- not in the Xanga/Livejournal sense. Up until a few months ago I had a bit of distaste for the whole thing. I got started because its, well, an obvious writing outlet. Through blog advertisements it can be lucrative, as well. My job at Sony also is considering a department blog, so I sort of volunteered to learn CSS and all the hip internet stuff... And, employers look at these things as example of technical ability. I had become kind of ashamed at my lack of trendy 'Net knowledge, considering I supposedly have a degree in this stuff. I thought it was time to play a little catch up, but make it interesting to myself along the way. But, yes, this is all very new to me and pretty ironic and silly. Pilaf unleashed? Proffering content without social niceties? Sounds dangerous!
So, I'm not surprised you don't like the "blog P" -- it's kind of not me, really. Sorry about that. The blogs are just a learning exercise. And a bit of fun. for each of them, I'm trying to write a bit out of my usual character. I'm surprised you're surprised, though, at how different people are in blogging. I think most anyone would appear a different person if they could just... ooze... them-ness, without having to worry about contextual self-censorship. I never said it was honest. It's kind of fun to blur fact/fiction -- I'm sure musicians do the same thing through music and all that. And I really enjoy the flippant aspect of it, and in a harmless, knavish kind of way. I think if it weren't flippant it would be pretty boring! I'm so tired of boring. Boring anything.
I think there's little difference between my unsolicited "updates" and your unsolicited advice -- though it seems like I may appreciate your e-mail more than you appreciate my newfound halftruth internet presence... I'm sure you're aware of this, though. It's nice to know one of us hasn't changed.
Someday I will make music.
I also don't know what to say about my blogs having troubled you, XXXXXXXX. You seem to be a troubled (and occasionally troublesome!) guy yourself, at times -- and aren't we all? I can imagine a lot of things about me have troubled and do trouble you -- most of those aspects of me are still around, sadly. I'm not really sure what to say about troubling you. I hope I don't cause you any *real* stress and hopefully incur only a mild degree of judgment and otherwise I really hope for just a chuckle here and there.
Anyway, as they're an attempt to either boost a resume (either directly or by the things I learn while blogging) or put some food money in my pocket, yeah, the blogs are structured and articles written to try and help bring that in. The point of mass e-mailing them was hoping that some of the flippancy would get the sites launched into the appropriate geek network channels. And thus increase the possibility of advert clicks, and so on.
The donation thing is interesting. I really just wanted to see if people I didn't know would do it, as kind of a social experiment. Some people (family and stuff) _had_ asked for an easy way to get me some money, and that was it. There's now a very simple avenue for them to toss me a few bucks if they want. Bear in mind I'm obviously not expecting anything! I won't return from Iceland wondering why my PayPal wasn't chock full of dollars and well-wishes, believe me.
It's also a response to the fact that PayPal donate buttons *are* proliferating by other folk just writing blogs and so on. Some sites receive a ton of traffic and help foster these quaint little digital microcultures and other nerdy memes, and, as they feel they're providing a service, can maybe more honestly ask for donation as many of them have probably quit their day job to do so. (Run-on, anyone?) The only legitimizing thing I can say about it is that I do intend for the blogs to be informative outside of telling people about my own exploits; hopefully I can manage to write some respectable content useful to fellow travelers and whatnot. Anyway -- yes, I was hoping it would raise a few eyebrows, roll a few eyes, though hopefully people will catch the sort of ersatz humor behind it all. I'm sorry to have upset anyone with it -- but it's not going anywhere!What you say is true about people caring. I don't expect anyone to. Inherent to the medium of the internet is the ability to sort of put stuff out there with simultaneously low and high expectations. You're free to skip the blog.
It sounds like XXXXXXXX will be a rad opportunity for you! It also sounds like you're trying to leverage a little trademark XXXXXXXX piousness. I think "and you'll be doing -- what?" could be aimed at anyone, right? The corporate wanker hiring and firing and cheating on his wife? The spoiled college girl whose tuition is paid for by her grandmother? I really can't imagine I'll ever wind up doing something that will be for the greater good. I mean, aren't you kind of a misanthrope yourself? I don't think I can produce anything about my life right now that would make you nod your head and smile and approve (many of us gave up on that long ago). I'll try to summarize hastily...
Last year I did something crazy -- I sold my most important game items to go to Iceland for three days. I think the act of doing something so reckless/feckless was really liberating. I've felt a little stifled for awhile now. Then, when I got there, I was just overwhelmed at how... educated and artistic and vibrant all of Reykjavik was. The art and the culture and the daily life and the work ethic... I found it all very admirable. I really lamented only having three days! I soon found about an intensive summer program in Icelandic. I started studying Icelandic and, with low expectations, applied for the program. I was really surprised to have been accepted -- and over many people! Then, I thought I couldn't afford it. I found that if I just charged a bit more, I could. -- well, I could afford to GET there, at least. =P Anyway, off I go. I really, really miss school. I can't wait to be in graduate school, but moving on to that phase of my life is much less feasible than a one-month jaunt to Iceland. I also really, really miss the excitement of a foreign place. I miss feeling like I was intellectually engaged. I hope to use my time there to be active in the galleries, maybe even work on some songwriting, and, obviously, learn a new language -- in other words, things I can't do while locked into my San Diego life. I still work two jobs (one full, one part), I spend my time on the bus learning Icelandic, my lunchbreaks blogging, my nights catching up on stuff like this... I'm reasonably assured of my work ethic. I'm certainly not going to Iceland to party -- I'll be quite busy there, as well, and, without a job, pretty broke. Anyway, it's unashamedly for the pursuit of knowledge and happiness and other selfish intangibles. I'm not sure I should be faulted for this -- at least, I won't accept it. I'm not sure that I'm going to save a life or make an indelible mark on the world, but while I'm on my way I'll at least cheer others on... I really can't think of a situation in which I'd ever write someone an e-mail to call them out on something about which they're clearly very happy.
Ostensibly, you must find some satisfaction at your philanthropy in XXXXXXXX -- and you haven't got a PayPal Donation button! Yeah -- that's the vituperative gist of my jest. I guess it isn't very nice... but, again, grain of salt, and rest assured I mean no one any harm and hopefully those who approach my 20 level of wryness will chuckle. I'm kind of glad the donation thing has been food for thought. It is almost rude, sure! I made that caveat on the donation page. I'm not seriously, with a straight face, telling people I deserve a donation and that I expect one -- not at all. I just don't think you should pat yourself on the back, though, for being broke for your reasons versus mine. I'm making myself laugh at myself along the way.
I'm surprised to hear your thoughts on integrity! I always thought that one reason for your frequent internal battles was a lot like mine: the difficulty of being sincere. It's a hard thing to do. You're far too good a XXXXXXXX to give up on that pursuit, I think.
In my case, ironically this entire misunderstood half-joke was really borne of the idea of baring all... hiding nothing. I really do need the help with the money. And after Iceland, I'll have plenty more financially demanding opportunities that are truly meant to further my academic pursuits. In September I'll be returning to Tokyo to present a paper. The next month be going to Toronto to present (hopefully!) something else at a conference. I'm pretty weary from trying to work on these items independently outside of a 60-hour average workweek. I know, I know, everyone has done or knows someone doing more. I'm not looking for a pissing contest. I will say, though, that living paycheck to paycheck between two jobs and seriously trying to do better for myself is taking the piss out of me. I'm afraid (and though my blogs wouldn't let on!) I've become a much more quiet, mellow... boring!... person. If we caught up over a beer, you'd probably fall asleep.
Glamour corroded.
INTERMISSION: XXXXXXXX, I still think and talk about our CRAZY Santa Barbara Depeche Mode fiasco ALL THE TIME. Does married mean no more days like that? How about if only one of us is married?
(I've been single since November without so much as a pickup line.) END INTERMISSIONI also appreciate your advice on writing and I'm glad you pointed out the irony for me--I think I *may* have caught it anyway, though.
I agree, though... people strive to come off as clerisy by unskillfully slashing around wordswords too heavy for their grip -- in spite of themselves. On the other hand, I try to do that as much as I can and celebrate the flawed beauty that comes with it. It's kind of fun. I'm a bit of a postmodern pissant in that the aesthetic and the process and the notion are more important than the message -- style before content and all that. That's not to say the content isn't there; I don't feel any remorse, though, for asking people to dredge for it. It's a certain fault (the conference paper reviewers HATE my style), but it works as (surprise!) a learning tool and, ludic in nature, it's an entertaining way of branding myself. In words and in life I know what I'm doing, but I don't expect to be understood. Just ... permitted, I guess? Leave the somniferous prose to the literature guys. *yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn* Oooohhhkay. I need to wake up! Lots to do!
I've tried to keep my criticisms hopefully at the same pain threshold as your own. I also hope you believe me when I say that I'm just happy to hear from you... and kind of flattered that my nasty little internet cybermarionettes got you to write me! I saw the subject line, though, and did open the e-mail with some... trepidation.
Please keep writing me, if you have time and if you can shake the Luddhism. Shoot, try a hand-written letter if you like. Your style is breathtaking. I can't promise I'll be able to continues with replies like this one (you got me on a self-imposed "night off", so to speak), but whether encomia or obloquy, I'll always be stoked to have a XXXXXXXX in the ol' box.
*pantpantpant* Too...much...typing...
Oh! And for more troubling(?) servings of Pilaf on "teh internets!!!11", check here: http://philipsharp.info
Hope to talk to you soon, XXXXXXXX!
Pilaf.
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Histeries, Mysteries and what not
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